He gets me.. thank goodness.

I apologize, I already said that I'd be back on the grid and then I went and fell off again. Grace, I know grace..
But I am seeing that this heart needs to write and maybe not writing is me not dealing with something. Avoiding pain, avoiding hurt. Quite possibly so.

Christmas last year was an awkward mix of emotions... sweet to watch the girls embrace Christmas and strive to celebrate as a family. Yet also the hurting and pain was there. So as this Christmas is quickly approaching... with a sweet son in my arms, it is indeed sweet, deeply sweet. Oh and deeply healing. I look at him and am just amazed by this precious boy. So amazed at the Lord for blessing me with him, and for the new journey into boy-ness. My heart is celebrating.
But.. traveling to the other side of my heart this momma is one less. My heart has been hurting lately maybe even without me knowing it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday while at my moms, it hits me... There is suppose to be a little girl in my lap eating table food and playing with her sisters... We are missing a sisterhood. Watching 3 girls run and play, eat at a table, play dress up.. Which dress would she prefer? what would her little face now look like? deep breath.. It's a lot to think about all at once all that we are missing. Too painful but my heart has to go there. I have to think these things as it is at my core to miss her.

Several days after jude's birth bryan and I had the quietness to process our last stay at that hospital. How completely opposite our stays were with Addison and Jude. It was hard quite honestly as we left the hospital. The ride was all too familiar and we passed by my old room. I climbed in the little transport wheel chair and just fought back tears all the way to meet bryan in the van. I road on a wheelchair once before deeply broken apart, then there I was wheeling away with a sweet blessing.. oh the pain and the joy.. such hard contrasts but there was something to grieve there. So once jude was safely buckled and I sat beside him, bryan and I just wept. I barely had to recount my journey from my room to the car with him. His eyes were full of tears as soon as I looked at him. Oh the pain of all that we didn't get to have. All those deep tears needed a path out of my heart and needed to get out, be let out... Our addie hearts had to grieve. It felt like such an appropriate and obvious time to cry for her. Even in the midst of a beautiful day of bringing home my son. Strange yet normal. My normal. :)

So I share that coming home story to now share how that same double emotion is hitting me now. It's christmas! I love celebrating and singing these hymns of praise... yet I have this new heart with new rules. I have to wrestle out the pain and hurt so I can rejoice and worship the Lord. He knows this about me, it's just me that is surprised. I must miss my daughter. It hurts to know that I always will. There is not an escape but a rescuer and a Father that is after me. Thank goodness... but I know that as we celebrate Christmas I can bring my broken heart, my hurting heart, my thankful and grateful heart to the altar and worship the King that gets me in the pain and the joy.

"joy to the world, the Lord has come"

Oh so thankful he comes to the hurting, the broken and needy.. only He can bring the JOY..

ThankFULL heart

I am finally a small bleep back on the radar of life and evidently my blog. No intentions of being MIA, just happened.
I forgot how consuming life can be with a newborn. I mean that with all the good of consuming. I have been so eager to be with this child. SO loving when he wakes to feed and for me to get that feeding cuddle time. SO far, this boy is true to his busy self in the womb. He was oh so busy even to the point that the ultrasound tech, during one of my weekly visits could not get a good read on his heart. He was too busy flipping away from the doppler. Hilarious.. but not always laughing past midnight when he is just letting out the nightly fusses, but again.. thankful.. SO thankful.

Jude Anders is deeply loved by his sweet sisters so much so that I have to remind graceyn that he needs to breathe, "thats enough sweetheart." :) Ellie doesn't want to miss one bath or diaper change. She is on top of him saying the things she hears me say, so sweet to watch that happen. All the girls in this house are little mothers... all of us loving him so well and so deeply.

I could not be more thankful.. grateful...and left speechless and amazed at his rising and falling chest. To see life in this sweet boy and get to look into his deep blue eyes... SO much sweetness to acknowledge. Because of Addison's short life, his life seems all the more amazing and miraculous. A friend reminded me that worshiping with Jude in my arms for the first time will be so sweet. She was right. It was and continues to be my favorite part about Sunday worship. To praise God for having him in my arms moving and kicking instead of feeling his movements on the inside, wondering what God had planned for Jude. God heard my cries and answered the cry of my heart. He didn't have to, yet in His compassion He did. Have I mentioned that I'm thankful...Oh I can't communicate the half of it.

Glad to be back as a bleep on the radar.. Thankful to have a place to write and process... as the heart is always full.
much love.

Boy Bliss

It is taken me a while to get back on the grid but I finally made it.
Jude Anders, could not be a more amazing boy and just my precious son. Oh he is sweet and easy to soothe. This is new to this momma of girls.. Oh the drama that starts as a newborn with girls is unreal. Jude's cries have reason and I am loving his laid back spirit for now. This could change come his original due date, Oct. 20th, So I will keep you posted.
Oh where to start on his short journey thus far.. in the OR I guess.
My scheduled C-section was at 1pm on Sept. 29th. Unlike any previous C-section,
I was the most anxious I have ever been, exhausted from a journey against anxiety over the past 9 months, sadness over addison and having only the memories of a silent c-section to bring with me into this operating room.

I love the way God brings lightness into the heavy, we so need it whether we think we do or not.
I had a nurse in pre-op. She talked, I mean a lot. I really did enjoy her. She loved us well. But she loved to talk about anything and this way of communicating made me a little un certain of her abilities as a nurse. She took her dear time and forgot a lot of requests because she was over involved in chit-chatting. Loved her spunk but there were a few times I wanted to take my fingers and put them over her mouth.. enough new friend... lets have quiet time before I get my belly sliced open and meet my son for the first time, ok, Ok. :) I did get use to my nurse's love to talk and after a while it was more comforting.. In recovery after jude was in my arms, I had something to stare at and love on and her chatting was background music.

My OR was a little serious besides my chatty nurse, keeping things light..
There was an emergency C-section that rushed in behind me which delayed things a bit and made my nerves soar into new places. But things began rolling rather quickly once my epidural was put in. My doctor asked me "was I ready?".. What a long journey, but I was on the verge of crying when I said.. "Oh yes. I am SO ready." I remember Bryan popping down beside me masked and ready, then the doctors already began pulling and tugging.. minutes later a cry.. A deep loud robust cry! 7 pounds of goodness and with eyes that I immediately thought looked like graceyn! Oh and he has my hands!!! None of our kids have my hands and toes. Must be a dominant gene of bryan's because they all have his toes and hands, except my jude!!! He does have bryan's toes, but to bryan's credit he does have nice slim feet.
My doctor said he fell out bottom first! It seemed like he was trying to get out of there. I cried at those words and then allowed all the anxiety out.. fears I had battled all during my pregnancy.. just sobbed for the moment I had waited for! Happy cries, needed cries, and just let it continue to flow. As did my sweet emotional husband. The funny thing about c-sections is that the husband gets to leave after the baby is checked out and handed over to us for a few minutes, so I get a kiss on the head and bryan is out. Then My Doctor said , "my assistant will get finish the last few things here and I got to go see that baby boy!" So I am left alone.. it has happened with ellie and graceyn. Where I feel like I get a few minutes to soak in what just happened, which I have liked but then there is an element to it, where I don't think the one in surgery should be abandoned. Especially since I am the momma! I want to go see my baby!!!

My time in recovery was long but sweet. They were having trouble getting me into an open room but this just made my time with jude and eventually with bryan and the girls too, all the more sweet. Moments that will forever be engraved in my mind.
Just an overwhelming sense of deep joy and love from the Lord. Redeeming Love is what it felt like, It doesn't take away the scars on my heart but maybe instead it gives me a gentle and sweet pat of reassurance that my God is at work to heal and restore and that He chose to bless me with a son, an unexpected son, that I will now have the awesome privilege to walk along side of him. I have lots of questions in my heart. How will jude mold our family, How will we mold Him, but most importantly How will the Lord use jude? I get to raise a boy to become a godly man, husband, leader, father.. What a daunting task to do without the Lord, but a pure sweet joy to watch little jude's heart unfold and grow.

Sweet precious time for us as a family right now, soaking this all in and love the feeling of my arms being full and warm with this sweet boy.

Your prayers, messages, and love have meant so much, so thankful for dear friends and your love.

tomorrow, Sept. 29th

So, it's on. Yes, it sure is. C-section is on for tomorrow at 1pm. My head is spinning with emotion, planning, packing, tying up loose ends around the house, in my kitchen, for ellie's school. It is all becoming more real as I eat my banana and two glasses of milk before the "eat no more" window begins. I have so much to say but then I am sort of silenced by the arrival of this time.
I was reading a devotional entry for today and the main focus was on receiving God's love well. It is apart of our faith is to receive His love well. To trust his love, his care, his hand, his plan.. all under the umbrella of receiving His love well. I stink at this.
I have lived in this tension maybe for the past 9 months. Desperate to be basking in the sun of His love, in the bliss of that but just as it was written so perfectly in this devotional.. But, BUT watch out because the lies are there too.. the brokenness will creep back in, push it back, quiet the lies and trust.. Trust is a big intimidating word.. it comes across like it should be so easy but in fact impossible without the Lord. Without first receiving God's love.. starting there.. I have lived in the pushing off the lies for a while now and the Lord knows I am weary and worn. it was simple as I read that devotional. That is my prayer that I would receive and feel God's love tomorrow. He is offering it freely like any other day.. but I want to be a receiver tomorrow and experience His love in incredible ways, not bogged down with lies, free in the Lord, and comforted by God's peace. That is my prayer.. would you pray that for me? Also pray for my little boy.. Safe delivery for him and myself, safe welcome into arms that have SO longed for the day. I could type on but my eyes are already full of tears and then I won't be able to see and would have to wait for the tears to stop.. and I am reminded by mom sleeping on our couch, that I should, "get some rest honey."
That I will do.
Coveting your prayers and oh so thankful for your love.
night night.

A test.. and a big day.

Friends.. I am sitting up late tonight.. needing that bed desperately but knowing that tomorrow is a big day...
Bryan and I are going in for the amnio at 8am. The test result will be in by dinner time tomorrow night. If the test shows his lungs are fully developed... C-section on Wednesday.. Please pray for my appointment in the morning. All along the past months I have tried to cling tightly to the Lord's hand with each Dr.'s visit and tomorrow's visit will be no different. Please pray for all to go smoothly and for my rest and hope to be in the Lord. Thankful to have b with me and to have his hand to hold.
Thankful that we are at this point but also so many emotions.. Thankful I can give them all to the Lord.
climbing in bed now and covet your prayers..
thank you and love...

My sweet chicks

It is only appropriate to share about my girls. I love doing life with these little people and having the joy as their momma to watch the hand of the Lord shape and mold their hearts. Today was a marathon, or a sprint maybe to get it all done for Ellie's 6th birthday. Especially now as life will quickly change and she will become the bigger sister of two siblings it was all the more important in my heart that we really celebrated her. Made her feel loved and super special as she is in so many ways. I was so proud of her as she greeted all her kindergarten friends, bounced with them in the bounce house, did a birthday butterfly craft, and proudly looked around as all her sweet friends sang happy birthday to her. As it always is, watching her face was worth every bit of hard work or swollen feet. At her 3rd birthday party she looked around proudly with that same face.. with an innocent sweetness that I will not ever forget. Ellie belle is my feeler, deep feeler. She loves deeply, plays deeply, and processes life just like her dear daddy. She is driven and focused on the things she loves, school is 1st on that list right now. She comes to me with things processed and thoroughly thought out. She asks me to not help when she confidently says, "I got it mom". I want to be a good "backing off mom". I am learning that with elle and pray as she grows and wants to take more confident steps of childhood, that I am here, Oh so here for her, but let her stand on her on two unique feet. Something I have not thought about until lately is the journey of loss Ellie has been on with us, after we lost Addison. She cried with us, mentions and processes aloud her sweet sister. It hurts in a different way as her mom to know how at her young age she thinks about her little sister in heaven with the Lord and misses her along with us. I think in many ways she has guarded her heart along with me during my pregnancy this time around. This makes me see ways to pray for her in these last weeks of pregnancy and that the Lord would indeed heal her heart of pain too. Oh Lord, work in her heart to heal and restore.. May ellie see the Story of hope in her brother's life thus far... even if it's just a little glimpse of putting our hope not in this world, people, things in this world, but you Lord.. just you.

On to my gray. The sweetness of having her most days all by herself. To have no other children around, just yet, to focus in on this spunky sweet child and learn new aspects of her bright personality.. It brings so much joy.. it really does. It is fun to see myself in gray. Like me, she loves to process life verbally and share things rolling around in her head. Maybe without rhyme or reason, but I could care less.. Love to sit and listen. Her latest phrase is "right momma?" That phrase follows most anything she is declaring to me about her day and I love to reassure her, oh yes gray that is right. Graceyn is my little caregiver. It is almost like she can smell someone having a bad day. You ok momma?? why are you crying ellie?? Are you ok? then with her little hand she pats my back and gives a big hug. Amazingly aware of people around her and the sad or happy expressions people have. She is in tune to others and watching this unfold in her is so fun. How the Lord will use this in her for His glory will be incredible to watch. I am sure that Addison touched gray's little heart, despite her being so young and barely two. She was and still is a belly kisser and had nothing to compare it to, when we came home from the hospital without Addie. Now this round she has been my little assistant to a lot of Dr. appointments, LOTS. Without realizing it, she has been so eagerly hopeful and loved him with such abandon over the past 9 months.. It has moved me and challenged me. Seriously, it is no suprise how her heart for him has refined my own and she has no idea. She has been hopeful for me.
She knows the Dr.'s who have the good candy and certain hair colors.. One place we watch baby brother on a tv and other place we listen to his heart beat for a good bit. She has been his cheerleader and LOVED him deeply from the start. This made me want to grab her heart early on, but this is just gray. She Loves to love. She talks about him constantly and prays for him each time we pray as a family or on the way to school each morning. Her heart to just pray in general is so fun lately.. she prays for everyone.. with gusto and passion.. "for da neigbors around us, baby broder in momma's belly... oh can she go on and on and we all love to hear her heart. Her little life will be greatly effected by her brother's birth and how she will become the big sister. Oh, again, Lord willing it will be a true momma joy to watch this unfold. These chicks bless me to a place of having no more words.. just tears of joy for the gifts of grace they are.. It was overdue to share my heart over them and the sharing will never end. Just thankful...

hope... HOPE

I try to laugh at myself often as this makes life a little easier to handle and digest especially on the rougher days.
I am awake. It is 4:45, hello indigestion I knew you were coming just thought it would be earlier, big girl gray has been up for several bathroom runs as to not ruin her big girl panties, ellie belles sneezed about 10 times, and we have bryan's mom and grandmother sleeping in the adjoining room to the girls room. Full house in my barely 1,000 sq foot house. My belly is twisting and turning as my boy is awaking with me to all the busyness of this house at such a dark and early hour. LIfe can make me laugh because it truly is never a dull moment.
I have wondered why I have not blogged more lately as my pregnancy is winding down. I have continually felt drawn to blog but honestly just maybe too much to say, not able to keep up with my own mind. I have to struggled to live in my head a lot lately and not share the worries and fears that so easily entangle me. Too much.. What continues to amaze me is that my prayers bring me such peace and comfort.. Casting hope only to Jesus and not our earthly circumstances or wants could not be more difficult. This is not humanly possible. It just isn't God must live in my heart for me to even taste a tiny bit of that. I feel at times that I have.. because when I feel like I haven't it could not be a more harsh and unstable mindset.
Not to mention the numerous milestones and dramas that happen each day with gray and ellie. Part of my heart walks out the door for almost a full day to school to carry out her own adventures, I mean this hoping in nothing earthly applies to each and every little heart in my house and to all the adult size ones. A battle to face each day.. it is where freedom lives.. a tiny taste of heavenly freedom. My God is the same God before and in the midst of all little battles and storms.. in the everyday, in the wonderful times and the very painful. The only way to get there has been for me to be completely honest with myself.. repent a lot, to my bryan, to my girls, friends around me, and to the Lord.. this is where I am. At the end of self and jumping over onto the only Hope I can have. It is where God has showed me I need to be in the past year. Life is such a mix of all those things.. sweet to the core yet at times gut wrenchingly painful. I have found this pregnancy to be such a mix of that.. And because of that seeing my deep need for hope beyond my earthly thinking.. God's work.
So, as this belly gets to record bigness, watching my little boy's weight climb, and to see I have under 2 weeks until my c-section I will strive all the more to hope, HOPE big in the Lord. Less in what swims around in my mind.. from the beginning of my journey with him, each visit and test result has been a speed bump... now each appointment and each and every kick, which honestly can easily be my hardest work yet.. So the spiritual picture I see of myself now it running.. I am running each moment of the day.. to swim in my head of worries OR to rest in HOPE.. praying for my Lord to set my heart and mind on His hope and peace. My hands cannot hold my son yet.. they can only rest on my big belly and my heart has to be given over to the Lord with each and every thought so He can put Hope there.. lots of it.. please do so even now Lord. I need extra. :)
I'll be back.. sooner rather than later and maybe at a normal hour of the day.

getting my boy groove on...

It is a pattern.. late at night, is when I thrive! Bad in so many ways, yet so good for my heart. Night owls really do have more fun. So yeah it is worth it. I have tried to blog several times in the past week. I have wanted to, but so much going on in the head that made it seem impossible to retrieve anything. I have hated that feeling. Hated the continual heaviness yet trying to embrace the fact that at times is the "new" me. I have battled that out here writing and so it is slowly becoming my norm, but of course have not lost that amanda right beneath the scratch of the surface. thank goodness.. :)

So, I am pregnant. Very.. pregnant with a belly that shakes with joyful kicks of a precious one. A buck this time. not a chick.. Still so fun to say. I am taking what feels like leaps forward toward my baby yet full aware that I have nothing to lay my trust in. Nothing. I am not in the clear, I can't take a deep breath of relief, or cry out my eyes and say, all is well. I have longed for that and been brought abruptly to the Lord on this. After each twice a week Dr.'s appointment or full hour of kicks and punches in my belly, wanting more assurance, more confidence that all is well, when nothing is for certain. Sadly this is true for every pregnant person walking on the earth, it can't feel more true to me than now. I look back at myself with ellie and the innocent feelings I had while pregnant with her.. Who was that person? it is a faith battle my friends..
Now that I am in the 30s, I have had non stress tests. I sit strapped with monitors and watch and listen to his heart pump and beat, yet still puts me back into the "NO CONTROL HERE" seat. I find myself anxious waiting and looking for anything bad, yet even if I could predict, there would be nothing I could do to change that fact. Not a thing.. not one thing.. I have to repeat this truth to myself every single day.. I was driving home alone on an errand a few days ago praying for him and called him my son. This brought me to tears, my heart felt like I was taking the biggest leap towards him... I have felt that deep in my heart and that love that is just there but I let it out.. felt good to love on him like that. I needed that and I want and pray for such a connection to my son.

I know God is calling me to walk towards this sweet boy and hope not in his arrival but in the fact that my Lord knows my story, my pain, my desires... and that He delights in giving me gifts and things beyond my wildest imagination.. but even when He doesn't He is still the same matchless savior , the only savior that understands my pain and can come down to the deep of my heart. My heart is flowing with love for my son, hurt for my daughter, and growing in a new hope.. Hope that is new to my heart and no longer one dimensional.. "God will always show up and bless me, he has before" but that I know my God shows up even when what I want is taken, in the darkest of times..He can't help but be there and whisper His name to me.

This is my prayer for my son that you would hear with me and the girls in the car or at night when they are tucked in their beds:

Dear Lord, this sweet boy is yours and has never been in my control. You have literally knit him inside of me and I pray for continual protection over him. Allow him to thrive and be born to live life with us. We want to live life with him Lord and love on him here. Please Lord give us the delight of raising him to love you and walk along side of you. That he would know you at a young age and never depart from your ways. Keep watch over him Lord, thank you for his sweet movements. May they continue to bring comfort.. Be with each dr. appointment and bless him and these doctors.. We pray this trusting in you.. ask this in the name of Jesus Christ.
amen.

Hello, heavy mess!

So, I am deciding to blog at 12 :15 am. That makes sense right?? I have been meaning to write for a few days and just have not gotten around to doing it. You know that feeling of coming to the end of yourself and allowing it all to just flow out? Well, that is exactly how I have been feeling. My procrastination to come here and write comes from that full knowledge of the unknown.. I know that a lot is there needing to be released, but am I up for that right now?? I feel so unpredictable... this control freak doesn't like this feeling. God loves to push me towards that unknown.. :)

So, I am here in TN with my girls. Bryan is off with some close friends from college on a much needed and deserved vacation in Colorado. SO glad he is there, just can hear it in his voice that he is refreshed and rebooted. I had been sensing his heavy heart a lot in the past months, so this trip away from life was perfectly needed. We came to TN to celebrate gray's 3rd birthday with family and friends and for me to stay here while he took his trip. My pregnant self loves and needs the help and LOVES getting to spend to spend with my some of my closest girlfriends. So a little trip for me all rolled up into other things. creative, right?

As we have been "living" in TN for the past almost two weeks I have had the time to ask some personal diagnostic questions as well as be asked this by my dear girl friends. "I have no idea" literally has been my response. Especially when asked about my heart with addison and then how do I feel about this growing baby boy in my belly??? How in the world do I feel?? Great question but incredibly hard to answer. To be honest I have been engrossed in a crazy move, preparing my oldest for kindergarten, going to numerous doctor appointments, watching my belly grow, calculating baby kicks in my head, and then there is the obvious heaviness in absence of my 3rd daughter that is just always there. Oh where should I start?

I can start with my addie heart. I visited addison for the first time alone this past week. After dropping bryan off at the airport, a route that takes me right past the exit to the cemetery, I just needed to stop. I had to tap in. I actually passed the exit trying to talk myself out of stopping.. Oh I should get back, I have not been there before alone, how would that feel?? SO I backtracked my way to addison and I think I just knew it was what my heart needed to check in, to catch up, slow down, whatever way you want to say it. I had to push pause. It is honestly hard to put into words what driving into that cemetery feels like. It is even more awkward to think that this is where I will come for years and years... this place represents hurting people everywhere.. that have losses deep in their hearts. Not to mention the rawness of pain. So I felt my heart sink when I parked our van in the lullaby gardens and easily found her headstone. It has been a while and grass had grown up around her marker.. I had to clean that up. Rub my hands over her name and let the tears come. Her marker was so hot from the summer sun and and a hard reminder that she is not here. Anger always comes up to the surface. I know she is in heaven with the Lord but that marker represents her little earthly life that ended. Where she left us and where I became empty handed. I had my words with the Lord about her and gave two kisses, then back to the van. On my way to the van, I always pass by my twin sister allison and did a little grass pulling from her marker.. Sweetness and even some comfort that she is in heaven with my daughter but also pain that reminds me how I missed out on an incredible sister and friend. How she would have impacted this world and the hearts of others.

I also feel my changed heart when I there. The wound gets re opened in a needed way, to tap into my pain, to deal and be honest with the Lord about my pain and even myself. All the noises and needs of life fall away for a few minutes, to catch my breath and let my heart pour so I can live. SO I can not let that bitterness and pain stick to my heart. I need redemption and I think this is one of the only ways to ask for it. Get honest, get complicated, and messy. All because that is what life is on this side of heaven. The more pain I see and the hurt I feel is a reminder of my need for the only one that can handle this mess. He knows how much I can't stand it, but I know I can't find rest or be cleaned up any where else.

This writing thing, typing out my heart, verbal vomit, it is necessary... I have non-heavy days and one day I will type about cupcakes or something my dog chewed up, but here lately I am a heavy mess.. welcome. Come on in and find somewhere to sit down. :)

night night.

moving disorientation

Who am I again? Seriously I don't think I have been this bewildered by a move ever. It has been so exhausting emotionally and physically. On top of that I am 6 months pregnant and have hormonal upswings that need confessing quite regularly. Our chicks, are still adjusting, which I knew would play apart but maybe wanted to ignore until it actually happened. So, we have landed a big 5 blocks away from where we were and so thankful for our the new house. It is cute yet challenging. 1,075 sq feet and full of personality. We had enough toys to fill every closet in this house. So we have purged until it hurt and then purged some more. I think we bought about 30 plastic bins to put the things we wanted to keep yet had no room for. So, lets just say it's been challenging and similar to my 6 weeks experience overseas in a 3rd world country.. at times we had no hot water, no ice cubes, no internet..
The term, "rolling with it" has taken on new meaning. I feel like I can "roll" with the best of them, so it has been very challenging.I had a breaking point tonight where I just was over stepping over things, around things, just it all became a little much... an at the end of the rope tired and I think I need that downfall to reorient myself to reality. One day things will all be painted, decorated, and organized and probably still things to do.. contentment, where are you?? Come quickly!!! That is honestly my prayer these days.. patience and contentment. Big heart issues.. we all got them, right?
night for now, time to rest. Ahhh

Satisfying Awe

Sundays, can be sometimes tough for me. It is bryan's monday in many ways and I am still on weekend mode, yet have the girls alone and for most of the day. We got back from vacation saturday night and I thought we might have to miss Sunday worship because of the wildness of our home. Travel duffle bags stuffed at the seems, our home packed in boxes, floats and sand still on our feet... ahhh.. the beach.
So anyway I had 30 minutes to get ready for church and took on that challenge! I am so glad we did. We are about to move in one week to our first home and the chaos of packing then having just returned from a week away at the beach called for a Sunday to worship.. to sit, kids in nursery... and worship. I just felt that call on my heart.
At the end of our church service we have communion and I love that we have this each week. It reminds the wondering heart what the gospel offers and our overwhelming need for Christ. I sit up front so I can snag a few minutes here and there during church sitting next to my husband. So I am usually one of the first people to take communion. I think sometimes this is God reminding me how I might be one of the biggest sinners there. Just might be true.
Yesterday was different. I brought my dipped in wine bread back to my chair and had some sweet moments with the Lord before I communed. When I looked up I saw the two lines formed with no end in sight.. Just needy people, like me. Acknowledging with this action of partaking of communion that they surrender, they give up. Can't do it. End of themselves, desperate. hungry and thirsty for the one that can satisfy. Tired from wandering. It melted my heart.. I didn't feel alone in my yuck of sin and pain and this brought me to tears. I saw the needs of others in a unique way, a humbling way. I saw people in our church that I know have pain, sorrow, and hurt and even those that I have no clue as to where their heart is hurting.. They were drawing near to their savior. Oh our need is unspeakably deep and in that moment I felt like I dipped my toe in the deep. I am continually grateful for glimpses of the Lord like this. He knows we need them. Lots of them.

more brokenness...

Bryan, the chicks and I and my parents and sister and her family have been spending a week at Grayton Beach. We arrived last Saturday afternoon and I have been soaking up literally every ounce of sun and sand. I am a huge beach nut. Love it. There is something so healing about being at the beach and seeing a big body of water. I know this has something to do with God being the author and creator of this beautiful earth and a part of those feelings stem from His creation effecting me and being worshipful of it all. I always get so bummed out at the end of beach trips, so today the kids and men are off to a naval aviation museum and the mommas are headed out to shop.. A little break from the sun, but only a little.
The first day we were at the beach I felt empty. Thinking that Addie would have been almost 1 years old and totting all over the beach with her sisters. Probably either eating sand or hating the beach. Amazingly painful for a few minutes. Just to let my mind go there and be mournful and restless in the loss of my daughter is constantly needed. She is missing a huge tradition and once again just like a major holiday, it doesn't feel the same without her here. Her lack of presence reminds me of how we are all missing out on something spectacular...something God designed... Our hearts are still impacted by her precious life but forever miss the deep impact of her person and effect on our lives.. Whew. Thought I was vacating... :) not possible to escape it all. I think it was not long after all of these emotions that bryan mentioned missing addie to me. Confirming to me that my heart was right on in all of those hurts.

The next morning I got a text from one of my closest friends and a family member lost her baby boy at 37 weeks.. really Lord? More loss, more unbearable pain. My eyes have been opened to the world of loss in the past year but it feels like lately pain is close to surface for so many dear friends. Why Oh Lord must the pain and brokenness continue on?? I have spoken with friends lately they have lost and my first response is just to cry...just because I have been there doesn't mean I have this all figured out and processed, oh no. I can share the journey I have been on and how the Lord has drawn near in the midst of pain, but that is all I have. I have eyes of deep compassion to hurt deeply with them and journey into doors of my heart that I hoped would never be opened in my life. To let them know they aren't the only one. The brokenness of this world continually overwhelms my heart and is a constant reminder of how frail we all are and our deep DEEP need for our Lord. There is truly nothing else we can be sure of or put our hope in. I read a devotion book here and there and there and today there was such a sweet and true reminder of God's watch over our lives and the darkness that can be apart of His story for us.. One of the last lines of that stayed with me. His presence is with us along with His spirit which can endure ALL eventualities. I think that is the one thing that frightened me for so long... "what if this happened? or this???? How could God still be present if this really happened?? He has proven himself in incredible ways. I thought for Sure I would be all alone... isolated and no one would understand. Thankfully God made us for companionship and the need for others. In these relationships our pain can be connected and understood... we are not alone. I have gotten so many emails lately from friends that I knew had experienced losses and from others that I had no idea the pain they had been through. Thankful to have sweet voices of friends that can relate and speak the truth of the gospel to me... because we need to hear it daily, hourly or ok, each minute or breath :).
I have been awake with eager kids since 6:30, waiting for my dad to arrive with donuts from our favorite beach donut place. It is amazing what a few donuts and sand in your toes can do for the the heart. :) ahhhhh.. One final day on the beach... deep breath, then back to real life again.
much love

Oh boy, it's really a boy! really???

It has only been 4 days since we got the news, but I really think I am still reeling. My heart is so focused on this baby's well being and health that maybe I am procrastinating the reality of a precious boy. When our specialist noticed it was a boy it was honestly a brief moment of celebration with another 30 minutes of looking intently on all of his little parts. She did a wonderful job of watching his heart in slow motion looking for any mark of possible defect, along with close analysis of other organs. This was an intense time, but also exactly what we wanted. Her report of him was all encouraging even mentioning how beautiful our baby looks. I am still striving to celebrate this boy despite all the pain and thoughts of worry that can so easily enter right in. All it takes is a thought and for me to jump on board. I am starting to see these thoughts coming and in God's grace trying to let these thoughts flow right past.

How in the world will a boy rock this girl world?? In every way I am sure. We have not a stitch of boy in this girl world. We have a well oiled system for how to handle a girl, so now lets put that aside and figure out boys! Wow, God is up to something. I cried at the end of our ultrasound. I felt thankful for our healthy boy, maybe even tears of being in awe of what God is up to. We love baby girls and even told our doctor we thought we didn't make boys. We would be just as excited to have a girl but a boy is very unexpected. I have been praying from the beginning of this pregnancy, that God would redeem this beyond my wildest imagination.. well I can say for sure that we are on a wild ride so thankful for this little unexpected blessing.

Great to share this news tonight while I feel precious kicks from my bucky boy. Oh and we are not even close with a name.. :)

surrender

Wow watch out, I haven't posted in a while and I am now posting two in one night, things are getting crazy over here.
A little indigestion is great for late night thinking and processing. I really don't mind it, a little mind cleaning is good and I always need that. So I will get to chewing my tums and get it on with it.

I received an email from a friend today. This friend lost her unborn baby about a month after addison died. I was drawn to talk to someone in the here and now of pain and not someone out the other side 10 years later. Not that those people are wonderfully encouraging but I wanted a raw perspective and real unedited emotions to make me feel like all that was flowing through my mind was apart of losing. This friend and I were able to chat a few times on the phone, email, and then finally met face to face. This is not someone I talk to daily or haven't spent much time with but cherish a whole lot. I wish we both could not have this in common that life would have carried on as expected.. happy babies and happy mommas. The unexpected journey has brought us together and I am thankful to have someone that is still dragging their heart along a year later. I like to pop back in with her to remind her that I am still in this pain.. she is not alone, she is that for me. So her email to me today was as usual a reminder of the journey we are on but she also put to words a cry of my heart. She mentioned how she could see that each day was probably a surrendering of hope and dreams for me in this pregnancy and I have gone back to re-read that several times. That could not be more true of how I feel right now.

I have felt my heart want to pray for baby #4 but then I when I do I sometimes feel the tension of: I have prayed this before and God didn't answer. I prayed this prayer of health for my first two and God answered. I wish there was a magic prayer I a missing. One that will get me the outcome I want. Same pray that I have cried out three time before. The unpredictability is heart wrenching. I sometimes get frustrated in my prayers over this child. I know simply God wants me to pray honestly but and have come to this end. I had some time of quiet to pray tonight and those words where my prayers. I surrender my hopes and dreams for this baby to you Lord... Dreaming and hoping and still connecting to this child is my prayer and desire. I am not saying that I am trying to abandon until it can all be confirmed but there is a surrendering in all of this. There has to be. The hardest kind of surrendering. I think it is part of the new glasses I wear after a loss. An awareness of how deeply you love those around and yet an awe and fear of the Lord and how this life is so fleeting. I don't do this well of course but it has to be my prayer.. Hoping in the Lord.. waiting on Him, hoping in his word.. not what I cannot be guaranteed. There is grieving even in this.. Oh man.. I liked life before when I surrendered to what my doctors told me and just knew all would be just fine, and praise God for those two precious girls. But I am awake from my delusion. So in all these thoughts tonight I turn to an oh so appropriate passage.

psalms 130

"Out of the depths I cry to you O Lord! O Lord hear my voice! Let your ear be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
If you O Lord should mark iniquities , O Lord who could stand? But with you their is forgiveness, that you may be feared.
I wait for the Lord my soul waits. and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning. O Isreal, I hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption."

I am thankful to read this and I prayed today as I read it. This is my hope right now. I need hope in something I can be sure of the only thing I can be sure of. But like all of life, we are called to dangerously loving those that God gives us, so I am enjoying the precious kicks of my baby tonight even as I type. I am in awe of my growing belly, I love this little one and have to dangerously love, but with a sober and mindful hope in my God. I pray for "plentiful redemption" and healing.. for this little one to live life on earth, but with a reality in my heart that I can not be sure of that. Only my God can. So deep breath.. dragging heart, that is desperately attempting a holy spirit kind of surrender.

A beautiful mess...

I came into my den and I just paused to think about what we even call this room? Den really? I sound Iike my mom.. that is what we called the family room growing up.. Anyway, the room with the couch in it. :) I came into that room that is connected to where our playroom is. I turned on the light only to find a huge mess. Barbies in the doll house, dolls on the kiddy table with play food everywhere. Dress up clothes sprinkled around in every square inch of the room. In the past months I have struggled with this as a mom. I don't laugh at big messes well. I have mom friends that seriously handle messes well and much better than I. But lately I struggle in feeling very frustrated and then upset when messes don't get cleaned up. To put it plain. I see my sin here. I want to have a controlled house and be in control. Funny fact in all of this is I am not a neat freak. As a kid always messy room.. I am a creatively minded one not orderly. Bryan can attest that I am the messiest cook and baker. I like control so there is the kicker.

So lets go back to me entering into the playroom with the mess. I stopped and felt oh so convicted. This mess was not because my girls were being disobedient. I had not asked them to clean up tonight but instead the mess was evidence of their little lives and them enjoying the toys and things they love the best. These are a few of their favorite things in life all sprinkled in the floor. There life here at home has a lot to do with this room. I am a sinful momma for sure. I needed a little face pop. Embrace this mess it is evidence of your sweet girls and their need to be messy and adventurous. After dinner that room was full of bryan and the girls plus rosebud all rough housing and ellie doing pretend taekwondo. Seeing my sinful controlling heart is hard. Knowing my sin effects them is even harder. That was a gentle nudge from the Lord tonight. thankful for the nudge of conviction and forgiveness. Oh and I left the room a mess, good reminder for me and I will need that reminder early in the morn when I walk back in there.. remind my heart of these things Lord. :) oh dear.

Sweetness

The chicks are all in their beds and snoring rosebud on her doggie bed. Ah quiet house tonight, so nice. The hustle and bustle of the day time hours is in direct contrast to the sometimes quiet house at night, love the contrast. I was hugging Ellie today and I realized how God has been answering my prayers with her lately. We laugh how our first born is so much like bryan physically and emotionally. At times it is uncanny how similar. I had noticed about six months ago that we were bumping heads more and just her changing into a child and no longer a toddler took me by surprise. In some ways she has been trying to loosen the grip that I have very tightly placed on her hand as a baby.. I hear the phrase, "Ok mom, I got this by myself", in my head a lot when I think about my relationship with elle. She is the first born paving that oh so hard of a first time road with parents. I see my laid back heart come out with Gray because I have been there and done it.. I know what is next. But, with Ellie it is all new, each step, each new development.
So all this said, I have been praying for my relationship with her, wanting to enjoy her and for our relationship as mother and daughter to be deep and connected. I want to "get" her and know how to speak into her little life and heart, which will one day be a big and all grown up heart. So just in the past few days we have spent some really sweet time together. Just laughing at each other without words just looks and expressions. She has let me hug her more and kiss that sweet face. I obviously love my husband and all his endearing passions, so I see this already in Ellie! I took her to the dentist on Monday this week and she is still pumped up about the dentist and all they taught her and explained to her about brushing and flossing. I am desperately trying to keep her from flossing 3 times a day!! Everyone she sees lately will get a glimpse of her new princess toothbrush, floss and toothpaste, as well as here about her experience with the dentist. hilariously like her daddy and precious to see. She loves to collect anything gross and crawly outside so we have collected every glass jar we could find and have a stash of bug catchers at her finger tips. She loves it, she was pumped about her jars.. See this passion I am speaking of?

Instead of trying to find ways to always keep a hand of control on my passionate little one, which was getting us no where. I am striving to learn that as they grow the role I have as their mom changes, maybe it gets harder. I am not saying letting go and no hard core discipline, not at all.. Just my heart in mothering her has to change as she changes. She needs much more than a clean diaper nowadays. I have enjoyed how God has made her, how she is hands down the most passionate almost six year old I know and I am loving watching this develop in her heart. Just praying that God would show me my sin as I want to control but need to loosen my grip and trust Him to use me in shaping this child.

Having a quiet house allows me to actually process this sort of thing.. love it. love my sweet chicks. Oh and my Gray, party kid, is now awake. So long silent house.

Dear baby #4,

It is time I started journeying your little life here sweet babe. It has been a rough ride for me and thankfully smooth for you.
I greeted the pregnancy test with tears knowing a new journey ahead would be tough and all innocence has indeed been lost. I can never go back to blissful pregnancies but honestly I never was fully that way. Have no idea how that would even feel. I am also grieving that enjoying a pregnancy will be a battle but of course worth the fight. We have only been together 14 weeks and am honored to be your momma already. You are beyond our expectations little one. We had thought that once your sister Addison arrived we would potentially close the chapter on pregnancies and more children but God had a different plan for Addie and also a plan for a 4th child.. God is sweet like that.. Beyond any wildest imaginations and now you are quickly growing and slowly starting to flutter in my womb. To feel life again in my belly is sweet, a small taste of redemption and healing.. just maybe. When we had our first big ultrasound the Specialist took several looks at you and said, "Oh your baby is beautiful today." I will never forget that moment. I felt like those words were from the Lord completely. It was what I needed to hear and to sit back and celebrate you. Life..sweet hands..wiggling toes..fluttering heart..precious profile that looks like a combination of your sisters. truly beautiful.
Your sisters speak of you several times a day and I have no doubt you know their voices by now. Ellie asks many times a day to kiss you and I have to tell her no ONLY if she has food around her mouth. She just has to wipe it off and the belly is all hers. Graceyn brought you several toys today and laid them on my belly, then stood back and cupped her hands wanting to hold you. I don't think it could get cuter than that. :) Seeing the chicks excited as been hard but I am daily desperately trying to loosen my grip. Cling tightly to the only thing I can be sure of which is my Lord and celebrate life now... You are only inches long and I choose to celebrate you precious child. As hard as it can be.. that is what my heart desires. I see my girls doing it with questions about you and what you are up to in there. They pave a road for me to celebrate you and the unexpected journey God has brought me on.

good grief

Just last week bryan and I attended a Missions to North America Assessment for Church Planters. It was an incredible yet intensive week. Just days before our arrival to assessment we were in Nashville visiting Addison on her 1st birthday. Yeah, for some reason we have a life where some weeks we are literally jumping in and out of intense situations. Not planned of course yet for some reason our life works that way. dark comedy of sorts, maybe. We went to her grave at the end of the weekend when we had dropped the chicks off with my parents for the next week. The cemetery where she is buried is a calm serene place until we make our way to lullaby gardens. The hard contrast of a beautiful lot of land with hills and old trees, sounds beautiful.. yet when we are there my world shatters all over again. The reality and finality of her short life just hits my heart on every side. I have found this has been good to empty my heart out, yet this past visit it was harder like a confrontation of what all had been missed in what was suppose to be her first year of life. We brought little cupcakes and tried through the hard tears to celebrate her sweet life. Good grief...really it is only good to go back to that place of hurt and investigate trying desperately to not let bitter and hurt take root in my heart. Well we got back in our van and made the trek back to atlanta that night. Only a day later we packed our bags and headed to assessment. Then a week later, returning back to life here with the chicks back from TN, reality and grief slammed me in the face yesterday morning. Welcome back right? I was physically exhausted but my heart wasn't finished with a period of pain from her birthday. Life swept me away for a week only to drop me back into a painful but necessary place.
Thankfully, a book I had pre-ordered months ago arrived the day we got back from assessment. Angie Smith's new book, I Will Carry You. A sweetly written book about "The Sacred Dance between Grief and Joy". I finished this book in a few days. I am not usually that type of reader, so you see how this book hit me. I found myself processing right along with her and bringing more pain and hurt to the surface of my heart. It was so good for me. Hard yet good grief.. necessary pain in order to make it every day. If you find yourself hurting from loss especially of a infant in or out of the womb, I assure you will feel connected to her words and story. So I need to pick myself up from my computer and take a deep breath. Time to start the day and trust God will indeed have my hurt and my heart and continue to be faithful to heal.. a shower might also be a good way to start.
love & blessings...

Ellie the Kindergartner

Oh boy and deep breath. Just returned home from Ellie's elementary School where she will be attending in August. She was so very excited to pick out clothes and go with our sweet neighbors next door. This big event was called "Kindergarten Roundup" and all of the soon to be school attenders had the opportunity to go into the current Kindergarten classes and hang with them for about 45 minutes. When she was put in her group to head back to the classrooms ellie was the leader of her group. As she walked passed me leading the other timid kids my heart melted, I was on the verge of all out tears and chills. She is the baby... all grown up and sweetly waved at me as she passed. I am a proud momma today. Ellie is my tenderhearted child that feels so deeply and will be a gentle leader.. Working on the gentle part of course but Oh so very proud and a little sad that this is really happening.. She could not be more ready. Kindergarten already? really.. Ok here go. Love you elle belle.

dear adddison,

One year baby girl. It has been a year without you. It does not seem that long since I met you and held you.
It is amazing that despite how hard of a day it was to know your life with us had ended, I was still in awe of you.
Researching your amazing parts. Claiming, "those are my toes!" proudly. Daddy's nose was clear to see
on your sweet face. Seeing pieces of your sisters faces was sweet and precious, just how a first meeting should be. The sting of your death did not take that away. How proud we are of you. Every bit of you. I held you with eagerness and such joy. Your Nan and Popa were there the first time I saw you and I just could not stop smiling at you. Daddy and I were beaming with love and joy for you. Look what the Lord created and you are beautiful in every way addie. I know I have millions of those fun nicknames for you too.. Adds, a june bug, ya know stuff that I do with your sisters. My love for you has only grown and will always be.
It has been sweet and hard to see ellie put words and tears to her pain in not having you here. She is precious in her processing and thoughtful ways that she brings you into our days. Thankful for that.. love her for that. Now Graceyn is just a walking party most of the time. I was crying today and telling her why.. She said " don't worry mommy she will come back. She is talking with God." Yep you are so right gray gray. Her love for you is sweet and fun-loving. This is refreshment for my heart.
My heart is heavy with the thought of how this is a forever pain of loss that will be present.. it won't ever be absent from my heart. But you know how God is, He is always peeking around the corner with some comfort to share with me.
I have added to the gospel in the past 32 years. I have cried out to God and He showed up almost always to redeem, save, or protect. This day was the day I was deeply hurt by God not showing up and protecting. Am I promised that He always gives and never takes away? No sadly not. He didn't promise me a full long life with you. I am only promised my faith with God. All around me is only gracious gifts of friends and family.. not promised to fill me up and make life contented. As hard as it is to say.. . God is certain that we need his powerful hand in our lives to help us remember the difference. Just the gospel.. not plus a big healthy family... not plus a healthy 3rd daughter... I think I deserved you to be here and for God to bless your little life and that is apart of the deal. That is sadly what I believed, I mean truly believed.
It is rough to now be on the other side of that false belief but trusting that God is gluing my heart back piece by piece.
I love you addie and it warms my heart to write to you and think about you and cry for you. Your life has changed me and your family more than I could ever imagine. We are on a journey of truly trusting the gospel, the plain and simple one. Not the warped control freak momma version.. My heart is totally on you today and I am striving to celebrate your little precious time on earth maybe with some cupcakes, pink ones.. all my love.

A few words...

"You have redeemed my soul from the pit of emptiness you have redeemed my soul from death"

"I was a hungry child, a dried up river, I was a burned out forest, and no one could do anything for
But you put food in my body, water in my dry bed and to my blackened branches, you brought
the springtime green
Of a new life
And nothing is impossible for You"

We sang this in church on Sunday. My heart strings were pulled and my heart raced.. Spring time is redeeming.. green instead of darkness and cold. My heart wants more of that redeeming grace. He redeems my heart daily, if not hourly or maybe by the minute. So thankful that nothing is impossible for Him. My heart sometimes feels impossible. Good to know that since he knit me together he knows full well what seems like an "impossible heart". Thank goodness he knows the pain, my sin, my inability to do anything without Him.

It's a NO barbie day here

Life can be much harder than you think when it comes to taking away barbies.. Well, it happen today!
Oh yes.. ellie was with a sitter last night during our community group and she ended up causing most to all the problems last night. Not usual for her but not surprised, ya know? So anyway... I told her last night that there would be a consequence for her behavior. So the result, NO BARBIES! Ahhhhhh No Momma, not the barbies! Her response was so theatrical, but also sad for a mom to see. Its that deep mom thing that we have, where for a split second I wanted to say ok.. I am now showing you grace like Jesus showed us grace, so now go play with your barbies, but the mentoring from elder moms kicked in and it was a done deal. It was like I picked the perfect thing to prove my carry through, but from her perspective it could not have been worse. At times it was so dramatic that I had to turn my head and chuckle but as the day carried on we are more stable. Afternoon snacks have been handed out and a little PBS kids is always good for the whole house. So it felt good to follow through, it really did... Proud of me. Maybe this will give me an edge will my elle belle this week...Obey momma or she will take all the toys away forever.. ha ha....

A rock & a hard place

My heart was hurting this morning and thankfully I was able to grab a few minutes of peace and time in the word. This needs to happen for me each morning but like everyone else, it is so easy to go quickly to the things that you can clean, fix, or get a little numbness from life for a few minutes. Not that there is anything wrong with a little personal check out time. I am all about it of course, just have to watch my moderation. :)
Bryan and I got the girls down earlier than normal on Monday night so we could have a little ice cream cone date on our front porch. It was not even dark as they laid their little heads down, so we were really able to take advantage of some long and uninterrupted talk time. We talked about that very thing. Time in the word. I was trying to piece together my answer to his question, "how are you doing?" Which can sometimes be such a big question and other times easy. Monday night this was hard. So as I began to word vomit, :) which he is very used to, I put the pieces of my aching heart together.
I told him I felt stuck spiritually. Not at all running from God, or not numb from his prompting, just stuck. I have mentioned this before but it still is present in my heart and mind. Moving on from losing and not being rescued is new for me. in my 31 years God had always answered my desperate cries in scary previous pregnancies, health situations, relational turmoil, you name it He was there and I was ok. More than that, I had a one dimensional confidence when I got emails from friends in distress. "Oh, God will deliver, He is answer your cry and hurt. You wait. " Maybe even slap a verse on there feeling all spiritually confident. This thinking is so far from me now. I can't respond that way anymore. I feel stuck to know how to pursue a God that is not safe but oh so good. What am I left with here a year later after losing my daughter? I am left with lifelong pain and a heart that is desperate for healing, but the only thing I can be confident in is a few things. My faith. My God. His love is steadfast and he is indeed a refuge. As I was reading the Psalms this morning, these attributes of my God, were easily highlighted in my mind. Almost like God answered my question of what do I have left? Where do I go from here? What am I confident of? Those things are it. I know God has me in process and where I was a year ago was exactly where He wanted me to be. But I do feel like my heart is multi-dimensional , God has made it so deep. My response to friends in distress or pain is so different than before. No fixing it here. No magic verses or a magic God that will always make troubles disappear. He might and he is awesome like that, but not always. My cries with them are from a deep place of hurt and I can feel that overflow and pain with them. But being reminded of why I can move forward is what I need today. A year out and I want to have these answers. I want more reasons to trust an unsafe God, so bring it Lord. I know you have more for me.

good friday

I have never attended a Good Friday Service. A year ago last year I was not feeling well and missed an incredible service at our church which was also accompanied by a tremendous thunderstorm that people are still talking about today. It was literally completely dark and scary as everyone left. I think the darkness of my sin and pain hit my soul in a unique way last night. I was overwhelmed with his sacrifice and love. I think also seeing and facing pain and loss in my life now makes me grasp another side of pain that Christ died for. Christ knew the brokenness of this world and that so much would go wrong. So much would be painful, hurtful, and leave us devastated. Christ entered into the mess that we all live in today but to give us hope. Thank goodness that even though our world is still so flawed, we have hope, grace and deep sacrificial love.
Off to hunt East Eggs with the girls. Lets hope they can at least get a few so they won't be devastated..
much love..

I want an Un-Complicated Heart.. please.

I have longed to be sitting here writing but just have not brought myself here to do it. Maybe it is just that there is too much to say lately and oh where do I even start or the thought of further processing can also make my head spin. I don't want to be a complicated woman. I didn't ask for that. Lord knows I didn't want complication. I wanted my plan neatly wrapped up in a nice package with a brilliantly clean bow.. The End.. that is all.. Man, don't we all want that?
I have noticed in the past several days that crying and anger have been close to the surface. Even when gently scratched you are getting either emotion from me. I was on the way to publix yesterday and just poured out anger.. why is it when asking for what seems like an easy request, God doesn't see it fit to allow what we want? I am finding the process of trusting the Lord as a new person now so complicated and hard. For so long I think I trusted Him fully for protection and not harm, that he has delivered us from situations such as those so many times before. Now, I am left trying to trust a God regardless of the outcome. Regardless of the times we are left vulnerable and God doesn't show up and protect. I think it devastates me to know that God sometimes just allows the pain to stroke only a line in the grand masterpiece he is painting with our life story. This is not comforting in the short term nor is it really wanted? In the most honest of times.. I don't care about that.. my heart just aches and I want it to stop.
God created us to feel and he also brings us to the end of that to the foundations of our God-given theology.. I can't live in that place of not caring.. but desperately taking stabs at trying to see the world as God has called me to see it. Hardest job yet.
So let me un-complicate all of this.. probably too late now. :) to simply say that easter is here. Spring is here and all of this storms my heart with memories of a year ago.. My heart is hurting with so much reminding me of last April. Making baskets for the girls will always remind me of being so pregnant and finding it hard sitting on the ground to arrange their baskets. Shopping at michaels talking to other pregnant moms, easter sunday.. just the day before we started the journey of pain and grief. What we were wearing, feeling, doing... My head is full of these sweet and hard memories. I am bringing these complications to the Lord. Oh what to do with this messy heart Lord. Hurting in a different way today because everything around me is like it was a year ago.. this pain is different. There will be much more to say this week. But for now, this is all. I have two chicks that just made up a fairy dance show that they gave me tickets to. So, I must go. My sweet little fairies..

swim-suit bottoms are good underwear, right?

So when your house get the upper hand on you, you are then subject to your home. Case in point. I am sporting bikini bottoms right now. I have 3 large mountains in my laundry area that are not at all diminishing in the least bit. The girls have clothes and underwear and even my husband has actual boxers to wear.. Me on the other hand sadly fall short of an ensemble today... Realizing this I totally connect this to a larger issue. Heavy week.. heavy heart, pushed aside duties, trying to deal.
I am continuing to journey in my grief over my addison. As time passes one thing I have noticed is I have a huge bucket in my heart. Quick thoughts of her, memories of my pregnancy with her, seeing her bear, her perfect face, how it felt to kiss her face, whatever it is.. These thoughts and feelings get put in that bucket and over time it gets full and as you see where I am going with this, it has to be dumped out. The end of this week especially was a dump out. Crying, hurting, missing what could have been, all the personality stories I want to have to tell of her, sweet pictures, videos of crawling.. I feel the approaching one year mark of not having her here in my arms, bryans arms, my girls arms, and it has stung.. continues to sting, never enough tears to cry over my precious addison june. My heart relives it often and breaks a little more each time. Each time it breaks apart, I see the beautiful hand of christ and the gospel in this process. I feel the Lord pick up the pieces and in return give me the peace needed to go from balling my eyes out to helping gray put an outfit on her doll or ellie spell a word. Life has moved on but my heart will continue to drag it's feet for her. So here I am today.. sort of naked :) naked heart...thankful to be writing again.

Its me.. just me... finally able to blog!

It has been what feels like weeks since I have blogged! Oh so overdue for me. With a life that seems to never be short of drama, you have to have those places to vent, ya know? So I am here and it feels great. It is hard work thinking of a blog name and it not being too cheesy or too serious.. It has to be just right. I want it to be a little of everything and speak truth into what my life is. So that is why the blog title has to fit me. So Sunday at church as we were singing, we came to a verse of a new song during worship. It was actually not a new song but a verse of an old song that I didn't know. It was the chorus... Here we go.

"We give it all.

Please take; it's all we have.

Remake it. All we have is yours, Redeeming God.


In between telling my oldest to not dance around in her seat, the word remake struck me and fit me all it the same time.
So without further need to ramble.. I have me a blog.