It is a pattern.. late at night, is when I thrive! Bad in so many ways, yet so good for my heart. Night owls really do have more fun. So yeah it is worth it. I have tried to blog several times in the past week. I have wanted to, but so much going on in the head that made it seem impossible to retrieve anything. I have hated that feeling. Hated the continual heaviness yet trying to embrace the fact that at times is the "new" me. I have battled that out here writing and so it is slowly becoming my norm, but of course have not lost that amanda right beneath the scratch of the surface. thank goodness.. :)
So, I am pregnant. Very.. pregnant with a belly that shakes with joyful kicks of a precious one. A buck this time. not a chick.. Still so fun to say. I am taking what feels like leaps forward toward my baby yet full aware that I have nothing to lay my trust in. Nothing. I am not in the clear, I can't take a deep breath of relief, or cry out my eyes and say, all is well. I have longed for that and been brought abruptly to the Lord on this. After each twice a week Dr.'s appointment or full hour of kicks and punches in my belly, wanting more assurance, more confidence that all is well, when nothing is for certain. Sadly this is true for every pregnant person walking on the earth, it can't feel more true to me than now. I look back at myself with ellie and the innocent feelings I had while pregnant with her.. Who was that person? it is a faith battle my friends..
Now that I am in the 30s, I have had non stress tests. I sit strapped with monitors and watch and listen to his heart pump and beat, yet still puts me back into the "NO CONTROL HERE" seat. I find myself anxious waiting and looking for anything bad, yet even if I could predict, there would be nothing I could do to change that fact. Not a thing.. not one thing.. I have to repeat this truth to myself every single day.. I was driving home alone on an errand a few days ago praying for him and called him my son. This brought me to tears, my heart felt like I was taking the biggest leap towards him... I have felt that deep in my heart and that love that is just there but I let it out.. felt good to love on him like that. I needed that and I want and pray for such a connection to my son.
I know God is calling me to walk towards this sweet boy and hope not in his arrival but in the fact that my Lord knows my story, my pain, my desires... and that He delights in giving me gifts and things beyond my wildest imagination.. but even when He doesn't He is still the same matchless savior , the only savior that understands my pain and can come down to the deep of my heart. My heart is flowing with love for my son, hurt for my daughter, and growing in a new hope.. Hope that is new to my heart and no longer one dimensional.. "God will always show up and bless me, he has before" but that I know my God shows up even when what I want is taken, in the darkest of times..He can't help but be there and whisper His name to me.
This is my prayer for my son that you would hear with me and the girls in the car or at night when they are tucked in their beds:
Dear Lord, this sweet boy is yours and has never been in my control. You have literally knit him inside of me and I pray for continual protection over him. Allow him to thrive and be born to live life with us. We want to live life with him Lord and love on him here. Please Lord give us the delight of raising him to love you and walk along side of you. That he would know you at a young age and never depart from your ways. Keep watch over him Lord, thank you for his sweet movements. May they continue to bring comfort.. Be with each dr. appointment and bless him and these doctors.. We pray this trusting in you.. ask this in the name of Jesus Christ.