Friday, March 12, 2010

swim-suit bottoms are good underwear, right?

So when your house get the upper hand on you, you are then subject to your home. Case in point. I am sporting bikini bottoms right now. I have 3 large mountains in my laundry area that are not at all diminishing in the least bit. The girls have clothes and underwear and even my husband has actual boxers to wear.. Me on the other hand sadly fall short of an ensemble today... Realizing this I totally connect this to a larger issue. Heavy week.. heavy heart, pushed aside duties, trying to deal.
I am continuing to journey in my grief over my addison. As time passes one thing I have noticed is I have a huge bucket in my heart. Quick thoughts of her, memories of my pregnancy with her, seeing her bear, her perfect face, how it felt to kiss her face, whatever it is.. These thoughts and feelings get put in that bucket and over time it gets full and as you see where I am going with this, it has to be dumped out. The end of this week especially was a dump out. Crying, hurting, missing what could have been, all the personality stories I want to have to tell of her, sweet pictures, videos of crawling.. I feel the approaching one year mark of not having her here in my arms, bryans arms, my girls arms, and it has stung.. continues to sting, never enough tears to cry over my precious addison june. My heart relives it often and breaks a little more each time. Each time it breaks apart, I see the beautiful hand of christ and the gospel in this process. I feel the Lord pick up the pieces and in return give me the peace needed to go from balling my eyes out to helping gray put an outfit on her doll or ellie spell a word. Life has moved on but my heart will continue to drag it's feet for her. So here I am today.. sort of naked :) naked heart...thankful to be writing again.


  1. Your words made it easy to break for Addie again...the dragging feet and full bucket are beautifully written words that pull sadness as they pass over my heart. It's so good to feel for her. You. B and the girls...So thankful you're writing.

    PS: Muuuuch better background than before...much.

  2. I am so excited that you're writing again.....really missed your posts! I so appreciate your heart and your deep love for Addie. Such descriptive writing helps me to feel the pain you are glad that Christ's light continues to shine through the darkness.

  3. Thanks SO much for sharing Amanda---it is encouraging to see where God has brought you over this past year----the pain will not ease, but your story to share of her will come into perfect words in time. I can't wait to be here to listen when that time comes. The pics were great too! Much love--JACLYN

  4. Love you. That is all I have to say.
    So glad you have a new blog that will show up on my google reader!

    Love, love you.

  5. Thank you for continuing to share your life! I'm excited to "follow" you now and read about your journey

  6. Thank you for sharing your blog with me. I love keeping up with everyone with their blogs. I am so glad that you have a place to share your feelings. Although I don't know exactly what you are feeling I do know grieving. I will keep you in my prayers.