Wow watch out, I haven't posted in a while and I am now posting two in one night, things are getting crazy over here.
A little indigestion is great for late night thinking and processing. I really don't mind it, a little mind cleaning is good and I always need that. So I will get to chewing my tums and get it on with it.
I received an email from a friend today. This friend lost her unborn baby about a month after addison died. I was drawn to talk to someone in the here and now of pain and not someone out the other side 10 years later. Not that those people are wonderfully encouraging but I wanted a raw perspective and real unedited emotions to make me feel like all that was flowing through my mind was apart of losing. This friend and I were able to chat a few times on the phone, email, and then finally met face to face. This is not someone I talk to daily or haven't spent much time with but cherish a whole lot. I wish we both could not have this in common that life would have carried on as expected.. happy babies and happy mommas. The unexpected journey has brought us together and I am thankful to have someone that is still dragging their heart along a year later. I like to pop back in with her to remind her that I am still in this pain.. she is not alone, she is that for me. So her email to me today was as usual a reminder of the journey we are on but she also put to words a cry of my heart. She mentioned how she could see that each day was probably a surrendering of hope and dreams for me in this pregnancy and I have gone back to re-read that several times. That could not be more true of how I feel right now.
I have felt my heart want to pray for baby #4 but then I when I do I sometimes feel the tension of: I have prayed this before and God didn't answer. I prayed this prayer of health for my first two and God answered. I wish there was a magic prayer I a missing. One that will get me the outcome I want. Same pray that I have cried out three time before. The unpredictability is heart wrenching. I sometimes get frustrated in my prayers over this child. I know simply God wants me to pray honestly but and have come to this end. I had some time of quiet to pray tonight and those words where my prayers. I surrender my hopes and dreams for this baby to you Lord... Dreaming and hoping and still connecting to this child is my prayer and desire. I am not saying that I am trying to abandon until it can all be confirmed but there is a surrendering in all of this. There has to be. The hardest kind of surrendering. I think it is part of the new glasses I wear after a loss. An awareness of how deeply you love those around and yet an awe and fear of the Lord and how this life is so fleeting. I don't do this well of course but it has to be my prayer.. Hoping in the Lord.. waiting on Him, hoping in his word.. not what I cannot be guaranteed. There is grieving even in this.. Oh man.. I liked life before when I surrendered to what my doctors told me and just knew all would be just fine, and praise God for those two precious girls. But I am awake from my delusion. So in all these thoughts tonight I turn to an oh so appropriate passage.
"Out of the depths I cry to you O Lord! O Lord hear my voice! Let your ear be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
If you O Lord should mark iniquities , O Lord who could stand? But with you their is forgiveness, that you may be feared.
I wait for the Lord my soul waits. and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning. O Isreal, I hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption."
I am thankful to read this and I prayed today as I read it. This is my hope right now. I need hope in something I can be sure of the only thing I can be sure of. But like all of life, we are called to dangerously loving those that God gives us, so I am enjoying the precious kicks of my baby tonight even as I type. I am in awe of my growing belly, I love this little one and have to dangerously love, but with a sober and mindful hope in my God. I pray for "plentiful redemption" and healing.. for this little one to live life on earth, but with a reality in my heart that I can not be sure of that. Only my God can. So deep breath.. dragging heart, that is desperately attempting a holy spirit kind of surrender.