I have longed to be sitting here writing but just have not brought myself here to do it. Maybe it is just that there is too much to say lately and oh where do I even start or the thought of further processing can also make my head spin. I don't want to be a complicated woman. I didn't ask for that. Lord knows I didn't want complication. I wanted my plan neatly wrapped up in a nice package with a brilliantly clean bow.. The End.. that is all.. Man, don't we all want that?
I have noticed in the past several days that crying and anger have been close to the surface. Even when gently scratched you are getting either emotion from me. I was on the way to publix yesterday and just poured out anger.. why is it when asking for what seems like an easy request, God doesn't see it fit to allow what we want? I am finding the process of trusting the Lord as a new person now so complicated and hard. For so long I think I trusted Him fully for protection and not harm, that he has delivered us from situations such as those so many times before. Now, I am left trying to trust a God regardless of the outcome. Regardless of the times we are left vulnerable and God doesn't show up and protect. I think it devastates me to know that God sometimes just allows the pain to stroke only a line in the grand masterpiece he is painting with our life story. This is not comforting in the short term nor is it really wanted? In the most honest of times.. I don't care about that.. my heart just aches and I want it to stop.
God created us to feel and he also brings us to the end of that to the foundations of our God-given theology.. I can't live in that place of not caring.. but desperately taking stabs at trying to see the world as God has called me to see it. Hardest job yet.
So let me un-complicate all of this.. probably too late now. :) to simply say that easter is here. Spring is here and all of this storms my heart with memories of a year ago.. My heart is hurting with so much reminding me of last April. Making baskets for the girls will always remind me of being so pregnant and finding it hard sitting on the ground to arrange their baskets. Shopping at michaels talking to other pregnant moms, easter sunday.. just the day before we started the journey of pain and grief. What we were wearing, feeling, doing... My head is full of these sweet and hard memories. I am bringing these complications to the Lord. Oh what to do with this messy heart Lord. Hurting in a different way today because everything around me is like it was a year ago.. this pain is different. There will be much more to say this week. But for now, this is all. I have two chicks that just made up a fairy dance show that they gave me tickets to. So, I must go. My sweet little fairies..