Sunday, March 28, 2010

I want an Un-Complicated Heart.. please.

I have longed to be sitting here writing but just have not brought myself here to do it. Maybe it is just that there is too much to say lately and oh where do I even start or the thought of further processing can also make my head spin. I don't want to be a complicated woman. I didn't ask for that. Lord knows I didn't want complication. I wanted my plan neatly wrapped up in a nice package with a brilliantly clean bow.. The End.. that is all.. Man, don't we all want that?
I have noticed in the past several days that crying and anger have been close to the surface. Even when gently scratched you are getting either emotion from me. I was on the way to publix yesterday and just poured out anger.. why is it when asking for what seems like an easy request, God doesn't see it fit to allow what we want? I am finding the process of trusting the Lord as a new person now so complicated and hard. For so long I think I trusted Him fully for protection and not harm, that he has delivered us from situations such as those so many times before. Now, I am left trying to trust a God regardless of the outcome. Regardless of the times we are left vulnerable and God doesn't show up and protect. I think it devastates me to know that God sometimes just allows the pain to stroke only a line in the grand masterpiece he is painting with our life story. This is not comforting in the short term nor is it really wanted? In the most honest of times.. I don't care about that.. my heart just aches and I want it to stop.
God created us to feel and he also brings us to the end of that to the foundations of our God-given theology.. I can't live in that place of not caring.. but desperately taking stabs at trying to see the world as God has called me to see it. Hardest job yet.
So let me un-complicate all of this.. probably too late now. :) to simply say that easter is here. Spring is here and all of this storms my heart with memories of a year ago.. My heart is hurting with so much reminding me of last April. Making baskets for the girls will always remind me of being so pregnant and finding it hard sitting on the ground to arrange their baskets. Shopping at michaels talking to other pregnant moms, easter sunday.. just the day before we started the journey of pain and grief. What we were wearing, feeling, doing... My head is full of these sweet and hard memories. I am bringing these complications to the Lord. Oh what to do with this messy heart Lord. Hurting in a different way today because everything around me is like it was a year ago.. this pain is different. There will be much more to say this week. But for now, this is all. I have two chicks that just made up a fairy dance show that they gave me tickets to. So, I must go. My sweet little fairies..

Friday, March 12, 2010

swim-suit bottoms are good underwear, right?

So when your house get the upper hand on you, you are then subject to your home. Case in point. I am sporting bikini bottoms right now. I have 3 large mountains in my laundry area that are not at all diminishing in the least bit. The girls have clothes and underwear and even my husband has actual boxers to wear.. Me on the other hand sadly fall short of an ensemble today... Realizing this I totally connect this to a larger issue. Heavy week.. heavy heart, pushed aside duties, trying to deal.
I am continuing to journey in my grief over my addison. As time passes one thing I have noticed is I have a huge bucket in my heart. Quick thoughts of her, memories of my pregnancy with her, seeing her bear, her perfect face, how it felt to kiss her face, whatever it is.. These thoughts and feelings get put in that bucket and over time it gets full and as you see where I am going with this, it has to be dumped out. The end of this week especially was a dump out. Crying, hurting, missing what could have been, all the personality stories I want to have to tell of her, sweet pictures, videos of crawling.. I feel the approaching one year mark of not having her here in my arms, bryans arms, my girls arms, and it has stung.. continues to sting, never enough tears to cry over my precious addison june. My heart relives it often and breaks a little more each time. Each time it breaks apart, I see the beautiful hand of christ and the gospel in this process. I feel the Lord pick up the pieces and in return give me the peace needed to go from balling my eyes out to helping gray put an outfit on her doll or ellie spell a word. Life has moved on but my heart will continue to drag it's feet for her. So here I am today.. sort of naked :) naked heart...thankful to be writing again.