Monday, June 28, 2010

Satisfying Awe

Sundays, can be sometimes tough for me. It is bryan's monday in many ways and I am still on weekend mode, yet have the girls alone and for most of the day. We got back from vacation saturday night and I thought we might have to miss Sunday worship because of the wildness of our home. Travel duffle bags stuffed at the seems, our home packed in boxes, floats and sand still on our feet... ahhh.. the beach.
So anyway I had 30 minutes to get ready for church and took on that challenge! I am so glad we did. We are about to move in one week to our first home and the chaos of packing then having just returned from a week away at the beach called for a Sunday to worship.. to sit, kids in nursery... and worship. I just felt that call on my heart.
At the end of our church service we have communion and I love that we have this each week. It reminds the wondering heart what the gospel offers and our overwhelming need for Christ. I sit up front so I can snag a few minutes here and there during church sitting next to my husband. So I am usually one of the first people to take communion. I think sometimes this is God reminding me how I might be one of the biggest sinners there. Just might be true.
Yesterday was different. I brought my dipped in wine bread back to my chair and had some sweet moments with the Lord before I communed. When I looked up I saw the two lines formed with no end in sight.. Just needy people, like me. Acknowledging with this action of partaking of communion that they surrender, they give up. Can't do it. End of themselves, desperate. hungry and thirsty for the one that can satisfy. Tired from wandering. It melted my heart.. I didn't feel alone in my yuck of sin and pain and this brought me to tears. I saw the needs of others in a unique way, a humbling way. I saw people in our church that I know have pain, sorrow, and hurt and even those that I have no clue as to where their heart is hurting.. They were drawing near to their savior. Oh our need is unspeakably deep and in that moment I felt like I dipped my toe in the deep. I am continually grateful for glimpses of the Lord like this. He knows we need them. Lots of them.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

more brokenness...

Bryan, the chicks and I and my parents and sister and her family have been spending a week at Grayton Beach. We arrived last Saturday afternoon and I have been soaking up literally every ounce of sun and sand. I am a huge beach nut. Love it. There is something so healing about being at the beach and seeing a big body of water. I know this has something to do with God being the author and creator of this beautiful earth and a part of those feelings stem from His creation effecting me and being worshipful of it all. I always get so bummed out at the end of beach trips, so today the kids and men are off to a naval aviation museum and the mommas are headed out to shop.. A little break from the sun, but only a little.
The first day we were at the beach I felt empty. Thinking that Addie would have been almost 1 years old and totting all over the beach with her sisters. Probably either eating sand or hating the beach. Amazingly painful for a few minutes. Just to let my mind go there and be mournful and restless in the loss of my daughter is constantly needed. She is missing a huge tradition and once again just like a major holiday, it doesn't feel the same without her here. Her lack of presence reminds me of how we are all missing out on something spectacular...something God designed... Our hearts are still impacted by her precious life but forever miss the deep impact of her person and effect on our lives.. Whew. Thought I was vacating... :) not possible to escape it all. I think it was not long after all of these emotions that bryan mentioned missing addie to me. Confirming to me that my heart was right on in all of those hurts.

The next morning I got a text from one of my closest friends and a family member lost her baby boy at 37 weeks.. really Lord? More loss, more unbearable pain. My eyes have been opened to the world of loss in the past year but it feels like lately pain is close to surface for so many dear friends. Why Oh Lord must the pain and brokenness continue on?? I have spoken with friends lately they have lost and my first response is just to cry...just because I have been there doesn't mean I have this all figured out and processed, oh no. I can share the journey I have been on and how the Lord has drawn near in the midst of pain, but that is all I have. I have eyes of deep compassion to hurt deeply with them and journey into doors of my heart that I hoped would never be opened in my life. To let them know they aren't the only one. The brokenness of this world continually overwhelms my heart and is a constant reminder of how frail we all are and our deep DEEP need for our Lord. There is truly nothing else we can be sure of or put our hope in. I read a devotion book here and there and there and today there was such a sweet and true reminder of God's watch over our lives and the darkness that can be apart of His story for us.. One of the last lines of that stayed with me. His presence is with us along with His spirit which can endure ALL eventualities. I think that is the one thing that frightened me for so long... "what if this happened? or this???? How could God still be present if this really happened?? He has proven himself in incredible ways. I thought for Sure I would be all alone... isolated and no one would understand. Thankfully God made us for companionship and the need for others. In these relationships our pain can be connected and understood... we are not alone. I have gotten so many emails lately from friends that I knew had experienced losses and from others that I had no idea the pain they had been through. Thankful to have sweet voices of friends that can relate and speak the truth of the gospel to me... because we need to hear it daily, hourly or ok, each minute or breath :).
I have been awake with eager kids since 6:30, waiting for my dad to arrive with donuts from our favorite beach donut place. It is amazing what a few donuts and sand in your toes can do for the the heart. :) ahhhhh.. One final day on the beach... deep breath, then back to real life again.
much love

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Oh boy, it's really a boy! really???

It has only been 4 days since we got the news, but I really think I am still reeling. My heart is so focused on this baby's well being and health that maybe I am procrastinating the reality of a precious boy. When our specialist noticed it was a boy it was honestly a brief moment of celebration with another 30 minutes of looking intently on all of his little parts. She did a wonderful job of watching his heart in slow motion looking for any mark of possible defect, along with close analysis of other organs. This was an intense time, but also exactly what we wanted. Her report of him was all encouraging even mentioning how beautiful our baby looks. I am still striving to celebrate this boy despite all the pain and thoughts of worry that can so easily enter right in. All it takes is a thought and for me to jump on board. I am starting to see these thoughts coming and in God's grace trying to let these thoughts flow right past.

How in the world will a boy rock this girl world?? In every way I am sure. We have not a stitch of boy in this girl world. We have a well oiled system for how to handle a girl, so now lets put that aside and figure out boys! Wow, God is up to something. I cried at the end of our ultrasound. I felt thankful for our healthy boy, maybe even tears of being in awe of what God is up to. We love baby girls and even told our doctor we thought we didn't make boys. We would be just as excited to have a girl but a boy is very unexpected. I have been praying from the beginning of this pregnancy, that God would redeem this beyond my wildest imagination.. well I can say for sure that we are on a wild ride so thankful for this little unexpected blessing.

Great to share this news tonight while I feel precious kicks from my bucky boy. Oh and we are not even close with a name.. :)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

surrender

Wow watch out, I haven't posted in a while and I am now posting two in one night, things are getting crazy over here.
A little indigestion is great for late night thinking and processing. I really don't mind it, a little mind cleaning is good and I always need that. So I will get to chewing my tums and get it on with it.

I received an email from a friend today. This friend lost her unborn baby about a month after addison died. I was drawn to talk to someone in the here and now of pain and not someone out the other side 10 years later. Not that those people are wonderfully encouraging but I wanted a raw perspective and real unedited emotions to make me feel like all that was flowing through my mind was apart of losing. This friend and I were able to chat a few times on the phone, email, and then finally met face to face. This is not someone I talk to daily or haven't spent much time with but cherish a whole lot. I wish we both could not have this in common that life would have carried on as expected.. happy babies and happy mommas. The unexpected journey has brought us together and I am thankful to have someone that is still dragging their heart along a year later. I like to pop back in with her to remind her that I am still in this pain.. she is not alone, she is that for me. So her email to me today was as usual a reminder of the journey we are on but she also put to words a cry of my heart. She mentioned how she could see that each day was probably a surrendering of hope and dreams for me in this pregnancy and I have gone back to re-read that several times. That could not be more true of how I feel right now.

I have felt my heart want to pray for baby #4 but then I when I do I sometimes feel the tension of: I have prayed this before and God didn't answer. I prayed this prayer of health for my first two and God answered. I wish there was a magic prayer I a missing. One that will get me the outcome I want. Same pray that I have cried out three time before. The unpredictability is heart wrenching. I sometimes get frustrated in my prayers over this child. I know simply God wants me to pray honestly but and have come to this end. I had some time of quiet to pray tonight and those words where my prayers. I surrender my hopes and dreams for this baby to you Lord... Dreaming and hoping and still connecting to this child is my prayer and desire. I am not saying that I am trying to abandon until it can all be confirmed but there is a surrendering in all of this. There has to be. The hardest kind of surrendering. I think it is part of the new glasses I wear after a loss. An awareness of how deeply you love those around and yet an awe and fear of the Lord and how this life is so fleeting. I don't do this well of course but it has to be my prayer.. Hoping in the Lord.. waiting on Him, hoping in his word.. not what I cannot be guaranteed. There is grieving even in this.. Oh man.. I liked life before when I surrendered to what my doctors told me and just knew all would be just fine, and praise God for those two precious girls. But I am awake from my delusion. So in all these thoughts tonight I turn to an oh so appropriate passage.

psalms 130

"Out of the depths I cry to you O Lord! O Lord hear my voice! Let your ear be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
If you O Lord should mark iniquities , O Lord who could stand? But with you their is forgiveness, that you may be feared.
I wait for the Lord my soul waits. and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning. O Isreal, I hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption."

I am thankful to read this and I prayed today as I read it. This is my hope right now. I need hope in something I can be sure of the only thing I can be sure of. But like all of life, we are called to dangerously loving those that God gives us, so I am enjoying the precious kicks of my baby tonight even as I type. I am in awe of my growing belly, I love this little one and have to dangerously love, but with a sober and mindful hope in my God. I pray for "plentiful redemption" and healing.. for this little one to live life on earth, but with a reality in my heart that I can not be sure of that. Only my God can. So deep breath.. dragging heart, that is desperately attempting a holy spirit kind of surrender.

A beautiful mess...

I came into my den and I just paused to think about what we even call this room? Den really? I sound Iike my mom.. that is what we called the family room growing up.. Anyway, the room with the couch in it. :) I came into that room that is connected to where our playroom is. I turned on the light only to find a huge mess. Barbies in the doll house, dolls on the kiddy table with play food everywhere. Dress up clothes sprinkled around in every square inch of the room. In the past months I have struggled with this as a mom. I don't laugh at big messes well. I have mom friends that seriously handle messes well and much better than I. But lately I struggle in feeling very frustrated and then upset when messes don't get cleaned up. To put it plain. I see my sin here. I want to have a controlled house and be in control. Funny fact in all of this is I am not a neat freak. As a kid always messy room.. I am a creatively minded one not orderly. Bryan can attest that I am the messiest cook and baker. I like control so there is the kicker.

So lets go back to me entering into the playroom with the mess. I stopped and felt oh so convicted. This mess was not because my girls were being disobedient. I had not asked them to clean up tonight but instead the mess was evidence of their little lives and them enjoying the toys and things they love the best. These are a few of their favorite things in life all sprinkled in the floor. There life here at home has a lot to do with this room. I am a sinful momma for sure. I needed a little face pop. Embrace this mess it is evidence of your sweet girls and their need to be messy and adventurous. After dinner that room was full of bryan and the girls plus rosebud all rough housing and ellie doing pretend taekwondo. Seeing my sinful controlling heart is hard. Knowing my sin effects them is even harder. That was a gentle nudge from the Lord tonight. thankful for the nudge of conviction and forgiveness. Oh and I left the room a mess, good reminder for me and I will need that reminder early in the morn when I walk back in there.. remind my heart of these things Lord. :) oh dear.