Wednesday, September 15, 2010

hope... HOPE

I try to laugh at myself often as this makes life a little easier to handle and digest especially on the rougher days.
I am awake. It is 4:45, hello indigestion I knew you were coming just thought it would be earlier, big girl gray has been up for several bathroom runs as to not ruin her big girl panties, ellie belles sneezed about 10 times, and we have bryan's mom and grandmother sleeping in the adjoining room to the girls room. Full house in my barely 1,000 sq foot house. My belly is twisting and turning as my boy is awaking with me to all the busyness of this house at such a dark and early hour. LIfe can make me laugh because it truly is never a dull moment.
I have wondered why I have not blogged more lately as my pregnancy is winding down. I have continually felt drawn to blog but honestly just maybe too much to say, not able to keep up with my own mind. I have to struggled to live in my head a lot lately and not share the worries and fears that so easily entangle me. Too much.. What continues to amaze me is that my prayers bring me such peace and comfort.. Casting hope only to Jesus and not our earthly circumstances or wants could not be more difficult. This is not humanly possible. It just isn't God must live in my heart for me to even taste a tiny bit of that. I feel at times that I have.. because when I feel like I haven't it could not be a more harsh and unstable mindset.
Not to mention the numerous milestones and dramas that happen each day with gray and ellie. Part of my heart walks out the door for almost a full day to school to carry out her own adventures, I mean this hoping in nothing earthly applies to each and every little heart in my house and to all the adult size ones. A battle to face each day.. it is where freedom lives.. a tiny taste of heavenly freedom. My God is the same God before and in the midst of all little battles and storms.. in the everyday, in the wonderful times and the very painful. The only way to get there has been for me to be completely honest with myself.. repent a lot, to my bryan, to my girls, friends around me, and to the Lord.. this is where I am. At the end of self and jumping over onto the only Hope I can have. It is where God has showed me I need to be in the past year. Life is such a mix of all those things.. sweet to the core yet at times gut wrenchingly painful. I have found this pregnancy to be such a mix of that.. And because of that seeing my deep need for hope beyond my earthly thinking.. God's work.
So, as this belly gets to record bigness, watching my little boy's weight climb, and to see I have under 2 weeks until my c-section I will strive all the more to hope, HOPE big in the Lord. Less in what swims around in my mind.. from the beginning of my journey with him, each visit and test result has been a speed bump... now each appointment and each and every kick, which honestly can easily be my hardest work yet.. So the spiritual picture I see of myself now it running.. I am running each moment of the day.. to swim in my head of worries OR to rest in HOPE.. praying for my Lord to set my heart and mind on His hope and peace. My hands cannot hold my son yet.. they can only rest on my big belly and my heart has to be given over to the Lord with each and every thought so He can put Hope there.. lots of it.. please do so even now Lord. I need extra. :)
I'll be back.. sooner rather than later and maybe at a normal hour of the day.

1 comment:

  1. I love how you described each dr's appt as a "speed bump". It SO decribes how we see the difficult circumstances in our lives, something that makes us slow down so that we HAVE to deal with our hearts and their tendency to want to race through life and to NOT deal with the difficult! Loved that and love you so much! Praying for all that comes between now and Jude Anders arrival!