It is a pattern.. late at night, is when I thrive! Bad in so many ways, yet so good for my heart. Night owls really do have more fun. So yeah it is worth it. I have tried to blog several times in the past week. I have wanted to, but so much going on in the head that made it seem impossible to retrieve anything. I have hated that feeling. Hated the continual heaviness yet trying to embrace the fact that at times is the "new" me. I have battled that out here writing and so it is slowly becoming my norm, but of course have not lost that amanda right beneath the scratch of the surface. thank goodness.. :)
So, I am pregnant. Very.. pregnant with a belly that shakes with joyful kicks of a precious one. A buck this time. not a chick.. Still so fun to say. I am taking what feels like leaps forward toward my baby yet full aware that I have nothing to lay my trust in. Nothing. I am not in the clear, I can't take a deep breath of relief, or cry out my eyes and say, all is well. I have longed for that and been brought abruptly to the Lord on this. After each twice a week Dr.'s appointment or full hour of kicks and punches in my belly, wanting more assurance, more confidence that all is well, when nothing is for certain. Sadly this is true for every pregnant person walking on the earth, it can't feel more true to me than now. I look back at myself with ellie and the innocent feelings I had while pregnant with her.. Who was that person? it is a faith battle my friends..
Now that I am in the 30s, I have had non stress tests. I sit strapped with monitors and watch and listen to his heart pump and beat, yet still puts me back into the "NO CONTROL HERE" seat. I find myself anxious waiting and looking for anything bad, yet even if I could predict, there would be nothing I could do to change that fact. Not a thing.. not one thing.. I have to repeat this truth to myself every single day.. I was driving home alone on an errand a few days ago praying for him and called him my son. This brought me to tears, my heart felt like I was taking the biggest leap towards him... I have felt that deep in my heart and that love that is just there but I let it out.. felt good to love on him like that. I needed that and I want and pray for such a connection to my son.
I know God is calling me to walk towards this sweet boy and hope not in his arrival but in the fact that my Lord knows my story, my pain, my desires... and that He delights in giving me gifts and things beyond my wildest imagination.. but even when He doesn't He is still the same matchless savior , the only savior that understands my pain and can come down to the deep of my heart. My heart is flowing with love for my son, hurt for my daughter, and growing in a new hope.. Hope that is new to my heart and no longer one dimensional.. "God will always show up and bless me, he has before" but that I know my God shows up even when what I want is taken, in the darkest of times..He can't help but be there and whisper His name to me.
This is my prayer for my son that you would hear with me and the girls in the car or at night when they are tucked in their beds:
Dear Lord, this sweet boy is yours and has never been in my control. You have literally knit him inside of me and I pray for continual protection over him. Allow him to thrive and be born to live life with us. We want to live life with him Lord and love on him here. Please Lord give us the delight of raising him to love you and walk along side of you. That he would know you at a young age and never depart from your ways. Keep watch over him Lord, thank you for his sweet movements. May they continue to bring comfort.. Be with each dr. appointment and bless him and these doctors.. We pray this trusting in you.. ask this in the name of Jesus Christ.
amen.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Hello, heavy mess!
So, I am deciding to blog at 12 :15 am. That makes sense right?? I have been meaning to write for a few days and just have not gotten around to doing it. You know that feeling of coming to the end of yourself and allowing it all to just flow out? Well, that is exactly how I have been feeling. My procrastination to come here and write comes from that full knowledge of the unknown.. I know that a lot is there needing to be released, but am I up for that right now?? I feel so unpredictable... this control freak doesn't like this feeling. God loves to push me towards that unknown.. :)
So, I am here in TN with my girls. Bryan is off with some close friends from college on a much needed and deserved vacation in Colorado. SO glad he is there, just can hear it in his voice that he is refreshed and rebooted. I had been sensing his heavy heart a lot in the past months, so this trip away from life was perfectly needed. We came to TN to celebrate gray's 3rd birthday with family and friends and for me to stay here while he took his trip. My pregnant self loves and needs the help and LOVES getting to spend to spend with my some of my closest girlfriends. So a little trip for me all rolled up into other things. creative, right?
As we have been "living" in TN for the past almost two weeks I have had the time to ask some personal diagnostic questions as well as be asked this by my dear girl friends. "I have no idea" literally has been my response. Especially when asked about my heart with addison and then how do I feel about this growing baby boy in my belly??? How in the world do I feel?? Great question but incredibly hard to answer. To be honest I have been engrossed in a crazy move, preparing my oldest for kindergarten, going to numerous doctor appointments, watching my belly grow, calculating baby kicks in my head, and then there is the obvious heaviness in absence of my 3rd daughter that is just always there. Oh where should I start?
I can start with my addie heart. I visited addison for the first time alone this past week. After dropping bryan off at the airport, a route that takes me right past the exit to the cemetery, I just needed to stop. I had to tap in. I actually passed the exit trying to talk myself out of stopping.. Oh I should get back, I have not been there before alone, how would that feel?? SO I backtracked my way to addison and I think I just knew it was what my heart needed to check in, to catch up, slow down, whatever way you want to say it. I had to push pause. It is honestly hard to put into words what driving into that cemetery feels like. It is even more awkward to think that this is where I will come for years and years... this place represents hurting people everywhere.. that have losses deep in their hearts. Not to mention the rawness of pain. So I felt my heart sink when I parked our van in the lullaby gardens and easily found her headstone. It has been a while and grass had grown up around her marker.. I had to clean that up. Rub my hands over her name and let the tears come. Her marker was so hot from the summer sun and and a hard reminder that she is not here. Anger always comes up to the surface. I know she is in heaven with the Lord but that marker represents her little earthly life that ended. Where she left us and where I became empty handed. I had my words with the Lord about her and gave two kisses, then back to the van. On my way to the van, I always pass by my twin sister allison and did a little grass pulling from her marker.. Sweetness and even some comfort that she is in heaven with my daughter but also pain that reminds me how I missed out on an incredible sister and friend. How she would have impacted this world and the hearts of others.
I also feel my changed heart when I there. The wound gets re opened in a needed way, to tap into my pain, to deal and be honest with the Lord about my pain and even myself. All the noises and needs of life fall away for a few minutes, to catch my breath and let my heart pour so I can live. SO I can not let that bitterness and pain stick to my heart. I need redemption and I think this is one of the only ways to ask for it. Get honest, get complicated, and messy. All because that is what life is on this side of heaven. The more pain I see and the hurt I feel is a reminder of my need for the only one that can handle this mess. He knows how much I can't stand it, but I know I can't find rest or be cleaned up any where else.
This writing thing, typing out my heart, verbal vomit, it is necessary... I have non-heavy days and one day I will type about cupcakes or something my dog chewed up, but here lately I am a heavy mess.. welcome. Come on in and find somewhere to sit down. :)
night night.
So, I am here in TN with my girls. Bryan is off with some close friends from college on a much needed and deserved vacation in Colorado. SO glad he is there, just can hear it in his voice that he is refreshed and rebooted. I had been sensing his heavy heart a lot in the past months, so this trip away from life was perfectly needed. We came to TN to celebrate gray's 3rd birthday with family and friends and for me to stay here while he took his trip. My pregnant self loves and needs the help and LOVES getting to spend to spend with my some of my closest girlfriends. So a little trip for me all rolled up into other things. creative, right?
As we have been "living" in TN for the past almost two weeks I have had the time to ask some personal diagnostic questions as well as be asked this by my dear girl friends. "I have no idea" literally has been my response. Especially when asked about my heart with addison and then how do I feel about this growing baby boy in my belly??? How in the world do I feel?? Great question but incredibly hard to answer. To be honest I have been engrossed in a crazy move, preparing my oldest for kindergarten, going to numerous doctor appointments, watching my belly grow, calculating baby kicks in my head, and then there is the obvious heaviness in absence of my 3rd daughter that is just always there. Oh where should I start?
I can start with my addie heart. I visited addison for the first time alone this past week. After dropping bryan off at the airport, a route that takes me right past the exit to the cemetery, I just needed to stop. I had to tap in. I actually passed the exit trying to talk myself out of stopping.. Oh I should get back, I have not been there before alone, how would that feel?? SO I backtracked my way to addison and I think I just knew it was what my heart needed to check in, to catch up, slow down, whatever way you want to say it. I had to push pause. It is honestly hard to put into words what driving into that cemetery feels like. It is even more awkward to think that this is where I will come for years and years... this place represents hurting people everywhere.. that have losses deep in their hearts. Not to mention the rawness of pain. So I felt my heart sink when I parked our van in the lullaby gardens and easily found her headstone. It has been a while and grass had grown up around her marker.. I had to clean that up. Rub my hands over her name and let the tears come. Her marker was so hot from the summer sun and and a hard reminder that she is not here. Anger always comes up to the surface. I know she is in heaven with the Lord but that marker represents her little earthly life that ended. Where she left us and where I became empty handed. I had my words with the Lord about her and gave two kisses, then back to the van. On my way to the van, I always pass by my twin sister allison and did a little grass pulling from her marker.. Sweetness and even some comfort that she is in heaven with my daughter but also pain that reminds me how I missed out on an incredible sister and friend. How she would have impacted this world and the hearts of others.
I also feel my changed heart when I there. The wound gets re opened in a needed way, to tap into my pain, to deal and be honest with the Lord about my pain and even myself. All the noises and needs of life fall away for a few minutes, to catch my breath and let my heart pour so I can live. SO I can not let that bitterness and pain stick to my heart. I need redemption and I think this is one of the only ways to ask for it. Get honest, get complicated, and messy. All because that is what life is on this side of heaven. The more pain I see and the hurt I feel is a reminder of my need for the only one that can handle this mess. He knows how much I can't stand it, but I know I can't find rest or be cleaned up any where else.
This writing thing, typing out my heart, verbal vomit, it is necessary... I have non-heavy days and one day I will type about cupcakes or something my dog chewed up, but here lately I am a heavy mess.. welcome. Come on in and find somewhere to sit down. :)
night night.
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