It is taken me a while to get back on the grid but I finally made it.
Jude Anders, could not be a more amazing boy and just my precious son. Oh he is sweet and easy to soothe. This is new to this momma of girls.. Oh the drama that starts as a newborn with girls is unreal. Jude's cries have reason and I am loving his laid back spirit for now. This could change come his original due date, Oct. 20th, So I will keep you posted.
Oh where to start on his short journey thus far.. in the OR I guess.
My scheduled C-section was at 1pm on Sept. 29th. Unlike any previous C-section,
I was the most anxious I have ever been, exhausted from a journey against anxiety over the past 9 months, sadness over addison and having only the memories of a silent c-section to bring with me into this operating room.
I love the way God brings lightness into the heavy, we so need it whether we think we do or not.
I had a nurse in pre-op. She talked, I mean a lot. I really did enjoy her. She loved us well. But she loved to talk about anything and this way of communicating made me a little un certain of her abilities as a nurse. She took her dear time and forgot a lot of requests because she was over involved in chit-chatting. Loved her spunk but there were a few times I wanted to take my fingers and put them over her mouth.. enough new friend... lets have quiet time before I get my belly sliced open and meet my son for the first time, ok, Ok. :) I did get use to my nurse's love to talk and after a while it was more comforting.. In recovery after jude was in my arms, I had something to stare at and love on and her chatting was background music.
My OR was a little serious besides my chatty nurse, keeping things light..
There was an emergency C-section that rushed in behind me which delayed things a bit and made my nerves soar into new places. But things began rolling rather quickly once my epidural was put in. My doctor asked me "was I ready?".. What a long journey, but I was on the verge of crying when I said.. "Oh yes. I am SO ready." I remember Bryan popping down beside me masked and ready, then the doctors already began pulling and tugging.. minutes later a cry.. A deep loud robust cry! 7 pounds of goodness and with eyes that I immediately thought looked like graceyn! Oh and he has my hands!!! None of our kids have my hands and toes. Must be a dominant gene of bryan's because they all have his toes and hands, except my jude!!! He does have bryan's toes, but to bryan's credit he does have nice slim feet.
My doctor said he fell out bottom first! It seemed like he was trying to get out of there. I cried at those words and then allowed all the anxiety out.. fears I had battled all during my pregnancy.. just sobbed for the moment I had waited for! Happy cries, needed cries, and just let it continue to flow. As did my sweet emotional husband. The funny thing about c-sections is that the husband gets to leave after the baby is checked out and handed over to us for a few minutes, so I get a kiss on the head and bryan is out. Then My Doctor said , "my assistant will get finish the last few things here and I got to go see that baby boy!" So I am left alone.. it has happened with ellie and graceyn. Where I feel like I get a few minutes to soak in what just happened, which I have liked but then there is an element to it, where I don't think the one in surgery should be abandoned. Especially since I am the momma! I want to go see my baby!!!
My time in recovery was long but sweet. They were having trouble getting me into an open room but this just made my time with jude and eventually with bryan and the girls too, all the more sweet. Moments that will forever be engraved in my mind.
Just an overwhelming sense of deep joy and love from the Lord. Redeeming Love is what it felt like, It doesn't take away the scars on my heart but maybe instead it gives me a gentle and sweet pat of reassurance that my God is at work to heal and restore and that He chose to bless me with a son, an unexpected son, that I will now have the awesome privilege to walk along side of him. I have lots of questions in my heart. How will jude mold our family, How will we mold Him, but most importantly How will the Lord use jude? I get to raise a boy to become a godly man, husband, leader, father.. What a daunting task to do without the Lord, but a pure sweet joy to watch little jude's heart unfold and grow.
Sweet precious time for us as a family right now, soaking this all in and love the feeling of my arms being full and warm with this sweet boy.
Your prayers, messages, and love have meant so much, so thankful for dear friends and your love.