Thursday, June 24, 2010

more brokenness...

Bryan, the chicks and I and my parents and sister and her family have been spending a week at Grayton Beach. We arrived last Saturday afternoon and I have been soaking up literally every ounce of sun and sand. I am a huge beach nut. Love it. There is something so healing about being at the beach and seeing a big body of water. I know this has something to do with God being the author and creator of this beautiful earth and a part of those feelings stem from His creation effecting me and being worshipful of it all. I always get so bummed out at the end of beach trips, so today the kids and men are off to a naval aviation museum and the mommas are headed out to shop.. A little break from the sun, but only a little.
The first day we were at the beach I felt empty. Thinking that Addie would have been almost 1 years old and totting all over the beach with her sisters. Probably either eating sand or hating the beach. Amazingly painful for a few minutes. Just to let my mind go there and be mournful and restless in the loss of my daughter is constantly needed. She is missing a huge tradition and once again just like a major holiday, it doesn't feel the same without her here. Her lack of presence reminds me of how we are all missing out on something spectacular...something God designed... Our hearts are still impacted by her precious life but forever miss the deep impact of her person and effect on our lives.. Whew. Thought I was vacating... :) not possible to escape it all. I think it was not long after all of these emotions that bryan mentioned missing addie to me. Confirming to me that my heart was right on in all of those hurts.

The next morning I got a text from one of my closest friends and a family member lost her baby boy at 37 weeks.. really Lord? More loss, more unbearable pain. My eyes have been opened to the world of loss in the past year but it feels like lately pain is close to surface for so many dear friends. Why Oh Lord must the pain and brokenness continue on?? I have spoken with friends lately they have lost and my first response is just to cry...just because I have been there doesn't mean I have this all figured out and processed, oh no. I can share the journey I have been on and how the Lord has drawn near in the midst of pain, but that is all I have. I have eyes of deep compassion to hurt deeply with them and journey into doors of my heart that I hoped would never be opened in my life. To let them know they aren't the only one. The brokenness of this world continually overwhelms my heart and is a constant reminder of how frail we all are and our deep DEEP need for our Lord. There is truly nothing else we can be sure of or put our hope in. I read a devotion book here and there and there and today there was such a sweet and true reminder of God's watch over our lives and the darkness that can be apart of His story for us.. One of the last lines of that stayed with me. His presence is with us along with His spirit which can endure ALL eventualities. I think that is the one thing that frightened me for so long... "what if this happened? or this???? How could God still be present if this really happened?? He has proven himself in incredible ways. I thought for Sure I would be all alone... isolated and no one would understand. Thankfully God made us for companionship and the need for others. In these relationships our pain can be connected and understood... we are not alone. I have gotten so many emails lately from friends that I knew had experienced losses and from others that I had no idea the pain they had been through. Thankful to have sweet voices of friends that can relate and speak the truth of the gospel to me... because we need to hear it daily, hourly or ok, each minute or breath :).
I have been awake with eager kids since 6:30, waiting for my dad to arrive with donuts from our favorite beach donut place. It is amazing what a few donuts and sand in your toes can do for the the heart. :) ahhhhh.. One final day on the beach... deep breath, then back to real life again.
much love

1 comment:

  1. Amanda Buck...I just LOVE you! Love your heart. I wish I was around you more. My heart is grieving Addie right now. Love you bunches!
    Erin Crenshaw