So, it's on. Yes, it sure is. C-section is on for tomorrow at 1pm. My head is spinning with emotion, planning, packing, tying up loose ends around the house, in my kitchen, for ellie's school. It is all becoming more real as I eat my banana and two glasses of milk before the "eat no more" window begins. I have so much to say but then I am sort of silenced by the arrival of this time.
I was reading a devotional entry for today and the main focus was on receiving God's love well. It is apart of our faith is to receive His love well. To trust his love, his care, his hand, his plan.. all under the umbrella of receiving His love well. I stink at this.
I have lived in this tension maybe for the past 9 months. Desperate to be basking in the sun of His love, in the bliss of that but just as it was written so perfectly in this devotional.. But, BUT watch out because the lies are there too.. the brokenness will creep back in, push it back, quiet the lies and trust.. Trust is a big intimidating word.. it comes across like it should be so easy but in fact impossible without the Lord. Without first receiving God's love.. starting there.. I have lived in the pushing off the lies for a while now and the Lord knows I am weary and worn. it was simple as I read that devotional. That is my prayer that I would receive and feel God's love tomorrow. He is offering it freely like any other day.. but I want to be a receiver tomorrow and experience His love in incredible ways, not bogged down with lies, free in the Lord, and comforted by God's peace. That is my prayer.. would you pray that for me? Also pray for my little boy.. Safe delivery for him and myself, safe welcome into arms that have SO longed for the day. I could type on but my eyes are already full of tears and then I won't be able to see and would have to wait for the tears to stop.. and I am reminded by mom sleeping on our couch, that I should, "get some rest honey."
That I will do.
Coveting your prayers and oh so thankful for your love.
night night.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
A test.. and a big day.
Friends.. I am sitting up late tonight.. needing that bed desperately but knowing that tomorrow is a big day...
Bryan and I are going in for the amnio at 8am. The test result will be in by dinner time tomorrow night. If the test shows his lungs are fully developed... C-section on Wednesday.. Please pray for my appointment in the morning. All along the past months I have tried to cling tightly to the Lord's hand with each Dr.'s visit and tomorrow's visit will be no different. Please pray for all to go smoothly and for my rest and hope to be in the Lord. Thankful to have b with me and to have his hand to hold.
Thankful that we are at this point but also so many emotions.. Thankful I can give them all to the Lord.
climbing in bed now and covet your prayers..
thank you and love...
Bryan and I are going in for the amnio at 8am. The test result will be in by dinner time tomorrow night. If the test shows his lungs are fully developed... C-section on Wednesday.. Please pray for my appointment in the morning. All along the past months I have tried to cling tightly to the Lord's hand with each Dr.'s visit and tomorrow's visit will be no different. Please pray for all to go smoothly and for my rest and hope to be in the Lord. Thankful to have b with me and to have his hand to hold.
Thankful that we are at this point but also so many emotions.. Thankful I can give them all to the Lord.
climbing in bed now and covet your prayers..
thank you and love...
Friday, September 17, 2010
My sweet chicks
It is only appropriate to share about my girls. I love doing life with these little people and having the joy as their momma to watch the hand of the Lord shape and mold their hearts. Today was a marathon, or a sprint maybe to get it all done for Ellie's 6th birthday. Especially now as life will quickly change and she will become the bigger sister of two siblings it was all the more important in my heart that we really celebrated her. Made her feel loved and super special as she is in so many ways. I was so proud of her as she greeted all her kindergarten friends, bounced with them in the bounce house, did a birthday butterfly craft, and proudly looked around as all her sweet friends sang happy birthday to her. As it always is, watching her face was worth every bit of hard work or swollen feet. At her 3rd birthday party she looked around proudly with that same face.. with an innocent sweetness that I will not ever forget. Ellie belle is my feeler, deep feeler. She loves deeply, plays deeply, and processes life just like her dear daddy. She is driven and focused on the things she loves, school is 1st on that list right now. She comes to me with things processed and thoroughly thought out. She asks me to not help when she confidently says, "I got it mom". I want to be a good "backing off mom". I am learning that with elle and pray as she grows and wants to take more confident steps of childhood, that I am here, Oh so here for her, but let her stand on her on two unique feet. Something I have not thought about until lately is the journey of loss Ellie has been on with us, after we lost Addison. She cried with us, mentions and processes aloud her sweet sister. It hurts in a different way as her mom to know how at her young age she thinks about her little sister in heaven with the Lord and misses her along with us. I think in many ways she has guarded her heart along with me during my pregnancy this time around. This makes me see ways to pray for her in these last weeks of pregnancy and that the Lord would indeed heal her heart of pain too. Oh Lord, work in her heart to heal and restore.. May ellie see the Story of hope in her brother's life thus far... even if it's just a little glimpse of putting our hope not in this world, people, things in this world, but you Lord.. just you.
On to my gray. The sweetness of having her most days all by herself. To have no other children around, just yet, to focus in on this spunky sweet child and learn new aspects of her bright personality.. It brings so much joy.. it really does. It is fun to see myself in gray. Like me, she loves to process life verbally and share things rolling around in her head. Maybe without rhyme or reason, but I could care less.. Love to sit and listen. Her latest phrase is "right momma?" That phrase follows most anything she is declaring to me about her day and I love to reassure her, oh yes gray that is right. Graceyn is my little caregiver. It is almost like she can smell someone having a bad day. You ok momma?? why are you crying ellie?? Are you ok? then with her little hand she pats my back and gives a big hug. Amazingly aware of people around her and the sad or happy expressions people have. She is in tune to others and watching this unfold in her is so fun. How the Lord will use this in her for His glory will be incredible to watch. I am sure that Addison touched gray's little heart, despite her being so young and barely two. She was and still is a belly kisser and had nothing to compare it to, when we came home from the hospital without Addie. Now this round she has been my little assistant to a lot of Dr. appointments, LOTS. Without realizing it, she has been so eagerly hopeful and loved him with such abandon over the past 9 months.. It has moved me and challenged me. Seriously, it is no suprise how her heart for him has refined my own and she has no idea. She has been hopeful for me.
She knows the Dr.'s who have the good candy and certain hair colors.. One place we watch baby brother on a tv and other place we listen to his heart beat for a good bit. She has been his cheerleader and LOVED him deeply from the start. This made me want to grab her heart early on, but this is just gray. She Loves to love. She talks about him constantly and prays for him each time we pray as a family or on the way to school each morning. Her heart to just pray in general is so fun lately.. she prays for everyone.. with gusto and passion.. "for da neigbors around us, baby broder in momma's belly... oh can she go on and on and we all love to hear her heart. Her little life will be greatly effected by her brother's birth and how she will become the big sister. Oh, again, Lord willing it will be a true momma joy to watch this unfold. These chicks bless me to a place of having no more words.. just tears of joy for the gifts of grace they are.. It was overdue to share my heart over them and the sharing will never end. Just thankful...
On to my gray. The sweetness of having her most days all by herself. To have no other children around, just yet, to focus in on this spunky sweet child and learn new aspects of her bright personality.. It brings so much joy.. it really does. It is fun to see myself in gray. Like me, she loves to process life verbally and share things rolling around in her head. Maybe without rhyme or reason, but I could care less.. Love to sit and listen. Her latest phrase is "right momma?" That phrase follows most anything she is declaring to me about her day and I love to reassure her, oh yes gray that is right. Graceyn is my little caregiver. It is almost like she can smell someone having a bad day. You ok momma?? why are you crying ellie?? Are you ok? then with her little hand she pats my back and gives a big hug. Amazingly aware of people around her and the sad or happy expressions people have. She is in tune to others and watching this unfold in her is so fun. How the Lord will use this in her for His glory will be incredible to watch. I am sure that Addison touched gray's little heart, despite her being so young and barely two. She was and still is a belly kisser and had nothing to compare it to, when we came home from the hospital without Addie. Now this round she has been my little assistant to a lot of Dr. appointments, LOTS. Without realizing it, she has been so eagerly hopeful and loved him with such abandon over the past 9 months.. It has moved me and challenged me. Seriously, it is no suprise how her heart for him has refined my own and she has no idea. She has been hopeful for me.
She knows the Dr.'s who have the good candy and certain hair colors.. One place we watch baby brother on a tv and other place we listen to his heart beat for a good bit. She has been his cheerleader and LOVED him deeply from the start. This made me want to grab her heart early on, but this is just gray. She Loves to love. She talks about him constantly and prays for him each time we pray as a family or on the way to school each morning. Her heart to just pray in general is so fun lately.. she prays for everyone.. with gusto and passion.. "for da neigbors around us, baby broder in momma's belly... oh can she go on and on and we all love to hear her heart. Her little life will be greatly effected by her brother's birth and how she will become the big sister. Oh, again, Lord willing it will be a true momma joy to watch this unfold. These chicks bless me to a place of having no more words.. just tears of joy for the gifts of grace they are.. It was overdue to share my heart over them and the sharing will never end. Just thankful...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
hope... HOPE
I try to laugh at myself often as this makes life a little easier to handle and digest especially on the rougher days.
I am awake. It is 4:45, hello indigestion I knew you were coming just thought it would be earlier, big girl gray has been up for several bathroom runs as to not ruin her big girl panties, ellie belles sneezed about 10 times, and we have bryan's mom and grandmother sleeping in the adjoining room to the girls room. Full house in my barely 1,000 sq foot house. My belly is twisting and turning as my boy is awaking with me to all the busyness of this house at such a dark and early hour. LIfe can make me laugh because it truly is never a dull moment.
I have wondered why I have not blogged more lately as my pregnancy is winding down. I have continually felt drawn to blog but honestly just maybe too much to say, not able to keep up with my own mind. I have to struggled to live in my head a lot lately and not share the worries and fears that so easily entangle me. Too much.. What continues to amaze me is that my prayers bring me such peace and comfort.. Casting hope only to Jesus and not our earthly circumstances or wants could not be more difficult. This is not humanly possible. It just isn't God must live in my heart for me to even taste a tiny bit of that. I feel at times that I have.. because when I feel like I haven't it could not be a more harsh and unstable mindset.
Not to mention the numerous milestones and dramas that happen each day with gray and ellie. Part of my heart walks out the door for almost a full day to school to carry out her own adventures, I mean this hoping in nothing earthly applies to each and every little heart in my house and to all the adult size ones. A battle to face each day.. it is where freedom lives.. a tiny taste of heavenly freedom. My God is the same God before and in the midst of all little battles and storms.. in the everyday, in the wonderful times and the very painful. The only way to get there has been for me to be completely honest with myself.. repent a lot, to my bryan, to my girls, friends around me, and to the Lord.. this is where I am. At the end of self and jumping over onto the only Hope I can have. It is where God has showed me I need to be in the past year. Life is such a mix of all those things.. sweet to the core yet at times gut wrenchingly painful. I have found this pregnancy to be such a mix of that.. And because of that seeing my deep need for hope beyond my earthly thinking.. God's work.
So, as this belly gets to record bigness, watching my little boy's weight climb, and to see I have under 2 weeks until my c-section I will strive all the more to hope, HOPE big in the Lord. Less in what swims around in my mind.. from the beginning of my journey with him, each visit and test result has been a speed bump... now each appointment and each and every kick, which honestly can easily be my hardest work yet.. So the spiritual picture I see of myself now it running.. I am running each moment of the day.. to swim in my head of worries OR to rest in HOPE.. praying for my Lord to set my heart and mind on His hope and peace. My hands cannot hold my son yet.. they can only rest on my big belly and my heart has to be given over to the Lord with each and every thought so He can put Hope there.. lots of it.. please do so even now Lord. I need extra. :)
I'll be back.. sooner rather than later and maybe at a normal hour of the day.
I am awake. It is 4:45, hello indigestion I knew you were coming just thought it would be earlier, big girl gray has been up for several bathroom runs as to not ruin her big girl panties, ellie belles sneezed about 10 times, and we have bryan's mom and grandmother sleeping in the adjoining room to the girls room. Full house in my barely 1,000 sq foot house. My belly is twisting and turning as my boy is awaking with me to all the busyness of this house at such a dark and early hour. LIfe can make me laugh because it truly is never a dull moment.
I have wondered why I have not blogged more lately as my pregnancy is winding down. I have continually felt drawn to blog but honestly just maybe too much to say, not able to keep up with my own mind. I have to struggled to live in my head a lot lately and not share the worries and fears that so easily entangle me. Too much.. What continues to amaze me is that my prayers bring me such peace and comfort.. Casting hope only to Jesus and not our earthly circumstances or wants could not be more difficult. This is not humanly possible. It just isn't God must live in my heart for me to even taste a tiny bit of that. I feel at times that I have.. because when I feel like I haven't it could not be a more harsh and unstable mindset.
Not to mention the numerous milestones and dramas that happen each day with gray and ellie. Part of my heart walks out the door for almost a full day to school to carry out her own adventures, I mean this hoping in nothing earthly applies to each and every little heart in my house and to all the adult size ones. A battle to face each day.. it is where freedom lives.. a tiny taste of heavenly freedom. My God is the same God before and in the midst of all little battles and storms.. in the everyday, in the wonderful times and the very painful. The only way to get there has been for me to be completely honest with myself.. repent a lot, to my bryan, to my girls, friends around me, and to the Lord.. this is where I am. At the end of self and jumping over onto the only Hope I can have. It is where God has showed me I need to be in the past year. Life is such a mix of all those things.. sweet to the core yet at times gut wrenchingly painful. I have found this pregnancy to be such a mix of that.. And because of that seeing my deep need for hope beyond my earthly thinking.. God's work.
So, as this belly gets to record bigness, watching my little boy's weight climb, and to see I have under 2 weeks until my c-section I will strive all the more to hope, HOPE big in the Lord. Less in what swims around in my mind.. from the beginning of my journey with him, each visit and test result has been a speed bump... now each appointment and each and every kick, which honestly can easily be my hardest work yet.. So the spiritual picture I see of myself now it running.. I am running each moment of the day.. to swim in my head of worries OR to rest in HOPE.. praying for my Lord to set my heart and mind on His hope and peace. My hands cannot hold my son yet.. they can only rest on my big belly and my heart has to be given over to the Lord with each and every thought so He can put Hope there.. lots of it.. please do so even now Lord. I need extra. :)
I'll be back.. sooner rather than later and maybe at a normal hour of the day.
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