Friday, April 30, 2010

Dear baby #4,

It is time I started journeying your little life here sweet babe. It has been a rough ride for me and thankfully smooth for you.
I greeted the pregnancy test with tears knowing a new journey ahead would be tough and all innocence has indeed been lost. I can never go back to blissful pregnancies but honestly I never was fully that way. Have no idea how that would even feel. I am also grieving that enjoying a pregnancy will be a battle but of course worth the fight. We have only been together 14 weeks and am honored to be your momma already. You are beyond our expectations little one. We had thought that once your sister Addison arrived we would potentially close the chapter on pregnancies and more children but God had a different plan for Addie and also a plan for a 4th child.. God is sweet like that.. Beyond any wildest imaginations and now you are quickly growing and slowly starting to flutter in my womb. To feel life again in my belly is sweet, a small taste of redemption and healing.. just maybe. When we had our first big ultrasound the Specialist took several looks at you and said, "Oh your baby is beautiful today." I will never forget that moment. I felt like those words were from the Lord completely. It was what I needed to hear and to sit back and celebrate you. Life..sweet hands..wiggling toes..fluttering heart..precious profile that looks like a combination of your sisters. truly beautiful.
Your sisters speak of you several times a day and I have no doubt you know their voices by now. Ellie asks many times a day to kiss you and I have to tell her no ONLY if she has food around her mouth. She just has to wipe it off and the belly is all hers. Graceyn brought you several toys today and laid them on my belly, then stood back and cupped her hands wanting to hold you. I don't think it could get cuter than that. :) Seeing the chicks excited as been hard but I am daily desperately trying to loosen my grip. Cling tightly to the only thing I can be sure of which is my Lord and celebrate life now... You are only inches long and I choose to celebrate you precious child. As hard as it can be.. that is what my heart desires. I see my girls doing it with questions about you and what you are up to in there. They pave a road for me to celebrate you and the unexpected journey God has brought me on.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

good grief

Just last week bryan and I attended a Missions to North America Assessment for Church Planters. It was an incredible yet intensive week. Just days before our arrival to assessment we were in Nashville visiting Addison on her 1st birthday. Yeah, for some reason we have a life where some weeks we are literally jumping in and out of intense situations. Not planned of course yet for some reason our life works that way. dark comedy of sorts, maybe. We went to her grave at the end of the weekend when we had dropped the chicks off with my parents for the next week. The cemetery where she is buried is a calm serene place until we make our way to lullaby gardens. The hard contrast of a beautiful lot of land with hills and old trees, sounds beautiful.. yet when we are there my world shatters all over again. The reality and finality of her short life just hits my heart on every side. I have found this has been good to empty my heart out, yet this past visit it was harder like a confrontation of what all had been missed in what was suppose to be her first year of life. We brought little cupcakes and tried through the hard tears to celebrate her sweet life. Good grief...really it is only good to go back to that place of hurt and investigate trying desperately to not let bitter and hurt take root in my heart. Well we got back in our van and made the trek back to atlanta that night. Only a day later we packed our bags and headed to assessment. Then a week later, returning back to life here with the chicks back from TN, reality and grief slammed me in the face yesterday morning. Welcome back right? I was physically exhausted but my heart wasn't finished with a period of pain from her birthday. Life swept me away for a week only to drop me back into a painful but necessary place.
Thankfully, a book I had pre-ordered months ago arrived the day we got back from assessment. Angie Smith's new book, I Will Carry You. A sweetly written book about "The Sacred Dance between Grief and Joy". I finished this book in a few days. I am not usually that type of reader, so you see how this book hit me. I found myself processing right along with her and bringing more pain and hurt to the surface of my heart. It was so good for me. Hard yet good grief.. necessary pain in order to make it every day. If you find yourself hurting from loss especially of a infant in or out of the womb, I assure you will feel connected to her words and story. So I need to pick myself up from my computer and take a deep breath. Time to start the day and trust God will indeed have my hurt and my heart and continue to be faithful to heal.. a shower might also be a good way to start.
love & blessings...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Ellie the Kindergartner

Oh boy and deep breath. Just returned home from Ellie's elementary School where she will be attending in August. She was so very excited to pick out clothes and go with our sweet neighbors next door. This big event was called "Kindergarten Roundup" and all of the soon to be school attenders had the opportunity to go into the current Kindergarten classes and hang with them for about 45 minutes. When she was put in her group to head back to the classrooms ellie was the leader of her group. As she walked passed me leading the other timid kids my heart melted, I was on the verge of all out tears and chills. She is the baby... all grown up and sweetly waved at me as she passed. I am a proud momma today. Ellie is my tenderhearted child that feels so deeply and will be a gentle leader.. Working on the gentle part of course but Oh so very proud and a little sad that this is really happening.. She could not be more ready. Kindergarten already? really.. Ok here go. Love you elle belle.

Monday, April 12, 2010

dear adddison,

One year baby girl. It has been a year without you. It does not seem that long since I met you and held you.
It is amazing that despite how hard of a day it was to know your life with us had ended, I was still in awe of you.
Researching your amazing parts. Claiming, "those are my toes!" proudly. Daddy's nose was clear to see
on your sweet face. Seeing pieces of your sisters faces was sweet and precious, just how a first meeting should be. The sting of your death did not take that away. How proud we are of you. Every bit of you. I held you with eagerness and such joy. Your Nan and Popa were there the first time I saw you and I just could not stop smiling at you. Daddy and I were beaming with love and joy for you. Look what the Lord created and you are beautiful in every way addie. I know I have millions of those fun nicknames for you too.. Adds, a june bug, ya know stuff that I do with your sisters. My love for you has only grown and will always be.
It has been sweet and hard to see ellie put words and tears to her pain in not having you here. She is precious in her processing and thoughtful ways that she brings you into our days. Thankful for that.. love her for that. Now Graceyn is just a walking party most of the time. I was crying today and telling her why.. She said " don't worry mommy she will come back. She is talking with God." Yep you are so right gray gray. Her love for you is sweet and fun-loving. This is refreshment for my heart.
My heart is heavy with the thought of how this is a forever pain of loss that will be present.. it won't ever be absent from my heart. But you know how God is, He is always peeking around the corner with some comfort to share with me.
I have added to the gospel in the past 32 years. I have cried out to God and He showed up almost always to redeem, save, or protect. This day was the day I was deeply hurt by God not showing up and protecting. Am I promised that He always gives and never takes away? No sadly not. He didn't promise me a full long life with you. I am only promised my faith with God. All around me is only gracious gifts of friends and family.. not promised to fill me up and make life contented. As hard as it is to say.. . God is certain that we need his powerful hand in our lives to help us remember the difference. Just the gospel.. not plus a big healthy family... not plus a healthy 3rd daughter... I think I deserved you to be here and for God to bless your little life and that is apart of the deal. That is sadly what I believed, I mean truly believed.
It is rough to now be on the other side of that false belief but trusting that God is gluing my heart back piece by piece.
I love you addie and it warms my heart to write to you and think about you and cry for you. Your life has changed me and your family more than I could ever imagine. We are on a journey of truly trusting the gospel, the plain and simple one. Not the warped control freak momma version.. My heart is totally on you today and I am striving to celebrate your little precious time on earth maybe with some cupcakes, pink ones.. all my love.

A few words...

"You have redeemed my soul from the pit of emptiness you have redeemed my soul from death"

"I was a hungry child, a dried up river, I was a burned out forest, and no one could do anything for
But you put food in my body, water in my dry bed and to my blackened branches, you brought
the springtime green
Of a new life
And nothing is impossible for You"

We sang this in church on Sunday. My heart strings were pulled and my heart raced.. Spring time is redeeming.. green instead of darkness and cold. My heart wants more of that redeeming grace. He redeems my heart daily, if not hourly or maybe by the minute. So thankful that nothing is impossible for Him. My heart sometimes feels impossible. Good to know that since he knit me together he knows full well what seems like an "impossible heart". Thank goodness he knows the pain, my sin, my inability to do anything without Him.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

It's a NO barbie day here

Life can be much harder than you think when it comes to taking away barbies.. Well, it happen today!
Oh yes.. ellie was with a sitter last night during our community group and she ended up causing most to all the problems last night. Not usual for her but not surprised, ya know? So anyway... I told her last night that there would be a consequence for her behavior. So the result, NO BARBIES! Ahhhhhh No Momma, not the barbies! Her response was so theatrical, but also sad for a mom to see. Its that deep mom thing that we have, where for a split second I wanted to say ok.. I am now showing you grace like Jesus showed us grace, so now go play with your barbies, but the mentoring from elder moms kicked in and it was a done deal. It was like I picked the perfect thing to prove my carry through, but from her perspective it could not have been worse. At times it was so dramatic that I had to turn my head and chuckle but as the day carried on we are more stable. Afternoon snacks have been handed out and a little PBS kids is always good for the whole house. So it felt good to follow through, it really did... Proud of me. Maybe this will give me an edge will my elle belle this week...Obey momma or she will take all the toys away forever.. ha ha....

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A rock & a hard place

My heart was hurting this morning and thankfully I was able to grab a few minutes of peace and time in the word. This needs to happen for me each morning but like everyone else, it is so easy to go quickly to the things that you can clean, fix, or get a little numbness from life for a few minutes. Not that there is anything wrong with a little personal check out time. I am all about it of course, just have to watch my moderation. :)
Bryan and I got the girls down earlier than normal on Monday night so we could have a little ice cream cone date on our front porch. It was not even dark as they laid their little heads down, so we were really able to take advantage of some long and uninterrupted talk time. We talked about that very thing. Time in the word. I was trying to piece together my answer to his question, "how are you doing?" Which can sometimes be such a big question and other times easy. Monday night this was hard. So as I began to word vomit, :) which he is very used to, I put the pieces of my aching heart together.
I told him I felt stuck spiritually. Not at all running from God, or not numb from his prompting, just stuck. I have mentioned this before but it still is present in my heart and mind. Moving on from losing and not being rescued is new for me. in my 31 years God had always answered my desperate cries in scary previous pregnancies, health situations, relational turmoil, you name it He was there and I was ok. More than that, I had a one dimensional confidence when I got emails from friends in distress. "Oh, God will deliver, He is answer your cry and hurt. You wait. " Maybe even slap a verse on there feeling all spiritually confident. This thinking is so far from me now. I can't respond that way anymore. I feel stuck to know how to pursue a God that is not safe but oh so good. What am I left with here a year later after losing my daughter? I am left with lifelong pain and a heart that is desperate for healing, but the only thing I can be confident in is a few things. My faith. My God. His love is steadfast and he is indeed a refuge. As I was reading the Psalms this morning, these attributes of my God, were easily highlighted in my mind. Almost like God answered my question of what do I have left? Where do I go from here? What am I confident of? Those things are it. I know God has me in process and where I was a year ago was exactly where He wanted me to be. But I do feel like my heart is multi-dimensional , God has made it so deep. My response to friends in distress or pain is so different than before. No fixing it here. No magic verses or a magic God that will always make troubles disappear. He might and he is awesome like that, but not always. My cries with them are from a deep place of hurt and I can feel that overflow and pain with them. But being reminded of why I can move forward is what I need today. A year out and I want to have these answers. I want more reasons to trust an unsafe God, so bring it Lord. I know you have more for me.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

good friday

I have never attended a Good Friday Service. A year ago last year I was not feeling well and missed an incredible service at our church which was also accompanied by a tremendous thunderstorm that people are still talking about today. It was literally completely dark and scary as everyone left. I think the darkness of my sin and pain hit my soul in a unique way last night. I was overwhelmed with his sacrifice and love. I think also seeing and facing pain and loss in my life now makes me grasp another side of pain that Christ died for. Christ knew the brokenness of this world and that so much would go wrong. So much would be painful, hurtful, and leave us devastated. Christ entered into the mess that we all live in today but to give us hope. Thank goodness that even though our world is still so flawed, we have hope, grace and deep sacrificial love.
Off to hunt East Eggs with the girls. Lets hope they can at least get a few so they won't be devastated..
much love..