My heart was hurting this morning and thankfully I was able to grab a few minutes of peace and time in the word. This needs to happen for me each morning but like everyone else, it is so easy to go quickly to the things that you can clean, fix, or get a little numbness from life for a few minutes. Not that there is anything wrong with a little personal check out time. I am all about it of course, just have to watch my moderation. :)
Bryan and I got the girls down earlier than normal on Monday night so we could have a little ice cream cone date on our front porch. It was not even dark as they laid their little heads down, so we were really able to take advantage of some long and uninterrupted talk time. We talked about that very thing. Time in the word. I was trying to piece together my answer to his question, "how are you doing?" Which can sometimes be such a big question and other times easy. Monday night this was hard. So as I began to word vomit, :) which he is very used to, I put the pieces of my aching heart together.
I told him I felt stuck spiritually. Not at all running from God, or not numb from his prompting, just stuck. I have mentioned this before but it still is present in my heart and mind. Moving on from losing and not being rescued is new for me. in my 31 years God had always answered my desperate cries in scary previous pregnancies, health situations, relational turmoil, you name it He was there and I was ok. More than that, I had a one dimensional confidence when I got emails from friends in distress. "Oh, God will deliver, He is answer your cry and hurt. You wait. " Maybe even slap a verse on there feeling all spiritually confident. This thinking is so far from me now. I can't respond that way anymore. I feel stuck to know how to pursue a God that is not safe but oh so good. What am I left with here a year later after losing my daughter? I am left with lifelong pain and a heart that is desperate for healing, but the only thing I can be confident in is a few things. My faith. My God. His love is steadfast and he is indeed a refuge. As I was reading the Psalms this morning, these attributes of my God, were easily highlighted in my mind. Almost like God answered my question of what do I have left? Where do I go from here? What am I confident of? Those things are it. I know God has me in process and where I was a year ago was exactly where He wanted me to be. But I do feel like my heart is multi-dimensional , God has made it so deep. My response to friends in distress or pain is so different than before. No fixing it here. No magic verses or a magic God that will always make troubles disappear. He might and he is awesome like that, but not always. My cries with them are from a deep place of hurt and I can feel that overflow and pain with them. But being reminded of why I can move forward is what I need today. A year out and I want to have these answers. I want more reasons to trust an unsafe God, so bring it Lord. I know you have more for me.