So, I am deciding to blog at 12 :15 am. That makes sense right?? I have been meaning to write for a few days and just have not gotten around to doing it. You know that feeling of coming to the end of yourself and allowing it all to just flow out? Well, that is exactly how I have been feeling. My procrastination to come here and write comes from that full knowledge of the unknown.. I know that a lot is there needing to be released, but am I up for that right now?? I feel so unpredictable... this control freak doesn't like this feeling. God loves to push me towards that unknown.. :)
So, I am here in TN with my girls. Bryan is off with some close friends from college on a much needed and deserved vacation in Colorado. SO glad he is there, just can hear it in his voice that he is refreshed and rebooted. I had been sensing his heavy heart a lot in the past months, so this trip away from life was perfectly needed. We came to TN to celebrate gray's 3rd birthday with family and friends and for me to stay here while he took his trip. My pregnant self loves and needs the help and LOVES getting to spend to spend with my some of my closest girlfriends. So a little trip for me all rolled up into other things. creative, right?
As we have been "living" in TN for the past almost two weeks I have had the time to ask some personal diagnostic questions as well as be asked this by my dear girl friends. "I have no idea" literally has been my response. Especially when asked about my heart with addison and then how do I feel about this growing baby boy in my belly??? How in the world do I feel?? Great question but incredibly hard to answer. To be honest I have been engrossed in a crazy move, preparing my oldest for kindergarten, going to numerous doctor appointments, watching my belly grow, calculating baby kicks in my head, and then there is the obvious heaviness in absence of my 3rd daughter that is just always there. Oh where should I start?
I can start with my addie heart. I visited addison for the first time alone this past week. After dropping bryan off at the airport, a route that takes me right past the exit to the cemetery, I just needed to stop. I had to tap in. I actually passed the exit trying to talk myself out of stopping.. Oh I should get back, I have not been there before alone, how would that feel?? SO I backtracked my way to addison and I think I just knew it was what my heart needed to check in, to catch up, slow down, whatever way you want to say it. I had to push pause. It is honestly hard to put into words what driving into that cemetery feels like. It is even more awkward to think that this is where I will come for years and years... this place represents hurting people everywhere.. that have losses deep in their hearts. Not to mention the rawness of pain. So I felt my heart sink when I parked our van in the lullaby gardens and easily found her headstone. It has been a while and grass had grown up around her marker.. I had to clean that up. Rub my hands over her name and let the tears come. Her marker was so hot from the summer sun and and a hard reminder that she is not here. Anger always comes up to the surface. I know she is in heaven with the Lord but that marker represents her little earthly life that ended. Where she left us and where I became empty handed. I had my words with the Lord about her and gave two kisses, then back to the van. On my way to the van, I always pass by my twin sister allison and did a little grass pulling from her marker.. Sweetness and even some comfort that she is in heaven with my daughter but also pain that reminds me how I missed out on an incredible sister and friend. How she would have impacted this world and the hearts of others.
I also feel my changed heart when I there. The wound gets re opened in a needed way, to tap into my pain, to deal and be honest with the Lord about my pain and even myself. All the noises and needs of life fall away for a few minutes, to catch my breath and let my heart pour so I can live. SO I can not let that bitterness and pain stick to my heart. I need redemption and I think this is one of the only ways to ask for it. Get honest, get complicated, and messy. All because that is what life is on this side of heaven. The more pain I see and the hurt I feel is a reminder of my need for the only one that can handle this mess. He knows how much I can't stand it, but I know I can't find rest or be cleaned up any where else.
This writing thing, typing out my heart, verbal vomit, it is necessary... I have non-heavy days and one day I will type about cupcakes or something my dog chewed up, but here lately I am a heavy mess.. welcome. Come on in and find somewhere to sit down. :)