Monday, April 12, 2010

dear adddison,

One year baby girl. It has been a year without you. It does not seem that long since I met you and held you.
It is amazing that despite how hard of a day it was to know your life with us had ended, I was still in awe of you.
Researching your amazing parts. Claiming, "those are my toes!" proudly. Daddy's nose was clear to see
on your sweet face. Seeing pieces of your sisters faces was sweet and precious, just how a first meeting should be. The sting of your death did not take that away. How proud we are of you. Every bit of you. I held you with eagerness and such joy. Your Nan and Popa were there the first time I saw you and I just could not stop smiling at you. Daddy and I were beaming with love and joy for you. Look what the Lord created and you are beautiful in every way addie. I know I have millions of those fun nicknames for you too.. Adds, a june bug, ya know stuff that I do with your sisters. My love for you has only grown and will always be.
It has been sweet and hard to see ellie put words and tears to her pain in not having you here. She is precious in her processing and thoughtful ways that she brings you into our days. Thankful for that.. love her for that. Now Graceyn is just a walking party most of the time. I was crying today and telling her why.. She said " don't worry mommy she will come back. She is talking with God." Yep you are so right gray gray. Her love for you is sweet and fun-loving. This is refreshment for my heart.
My heart is heavy with the thought of how this is a forever pain of loss that will be present.. it won't ever be absent from my heart. But you know how God is, He is always peeking around the corner with some comfort to share with me.
I have added to the gospel in the past 32 years. I have cried out to God and He showed up almost always to redeem, save, or protect. This day was the day I was deeply hurt by God not showing up and protecting. Am I promised that He always gives and never takes away? No sadly not. He didn't promise me a full long life with you. I am only promised my faith with God. All around me is only gracious gifts of friends and family.. not promised to fill me up and make life contented. As hard as it is to say.. . God is certain that we need his powerful hand in our lives to help us remember the difference. Just the gospel.. not plus a big healthy family... not plus a healthy 3rd daughter... I think I deserved you to be here and for God to bless your little life and that is apart of the deal. That is sadly what I believed, I mean truly believed.
It is rough to now be on the other side of that false belief but trusting that God is gluing my heart back piece by piece.
I love you addie and it warms my heart to write to you and think about you and cry for you. Your life has changed me and your family more than I could ever imagine. We are on a journey of truly trusting the gospel, the plain and simple one. Not the warped control freak momma version.. My heart is totally on you today and I am striving to celebrate your little precious time on earth maybe with some cupcakes, pink ones.. all my love.

1 comment:

  1. the tears flow freely for you today and for what we are missing without Addie here (we're missing so much). She is loved, dearly...and always remembered. Your walk with Jesus through your darkest of days honors her well Mandy and I am thankful for your Addie heart.