I apologize, I already said that I'd be back on the grid and then I went and fell off again. Grace, I know grace..
But I am seeing that this heart needs to write and maybe not writing is me not dealing with something. Avoiding pain, avoiding hurt. Quite possibly so.
Christmas last year was an awkward mix of emotions... sweet to watch the girls embrace Christmas and strive to celebrate as a family. Yet also the hurting and pain was there. So as this Christmas is quickly approaching... with a sweet son in my arms, it is indeed sweet, deeply sweet. Oh and deeply healing. I look at him and am just amazed by this precious boy. So amazed at the Lord for blessing me with him, and for the new journey into boy-ness. My heart is celebrating.
But.. traveling to the other side of my heart this momma is one less. My heart has been hurting lately maybe even without me knowing it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday while at my moms, it hits me... There is suppose to be a little girl in my lap eating table food and playing with her sisters... We are missing a sisterhood. Watching 3 girls run and play, eat at a table, play dress up.. Which dress would she prefer? what would her little face now look like? deep breath.. It's a lot to think about all at once all that we are missing. Too painful but my heart has to go there. I have to think these things as it is at my core to miss her.
Several days after jude's birth bryan and I had the quietness to process our last stay at that hospital. How completely opposite our stays were with Addison and Jude. It was hard quite honestly as we left the hospital. The ride was all too familiar and we passed by my old room. I climbed in the little transport wheel chair and just fought back tears all the way to meet bryan in the van. I road on a wheelchair once before deeply broken apart, then there I was wheeling away with a sweet blessing.. oh the pain and the joy.. such hard contrasts but there was something to grieve there. So once jude was safely buckled and I sat beside him, bryan and I just wept. I barely had to recount my journey from my room to the car with him. His eyes were full of tears as soon as I looked at him. Oh the pain of all that we didn't get to have. All those deep tears needed a path out of my heart and needed to get out, be let out... Our addie hearts had to grieve. It felt like such an appropriate and obvious time to cry for her. Even in the midst of a beautiful day of bringing home my son. Strange yet normal. My normal. :)
So I share that coming home story to now share how that same double emotion is hitting me now. It's christmas! I love celebrating and singing these hymns of praise... yet I have this new heart with new rules. I have to wrestle out the pain and hurt so I can rejoice and worship the Lord. He knows this about me, it's just me that is surprised. I must miss my daughter. It hurts to know that I always will. There is not an escape but a rescuer and a Father that is after me. Thank goodness... but I know that as we celebrate Christmas I can bring my broken heart, my hurting heart, my thankful and grateful heart to the altar and worship the King that gets me in the pain and the joy.
"joy to the world, the Lord has come"
Oh so thankful he comes to the hurting, the broken and needy.. only He can bring the JOY..