Wednesday, August 31, 2011

time to need, time to break

God has been playing this broken record lately. It's the "be needy" record. I've heard this from Him a lot lately, it's almost like an annoying song in your head that you can't get rid of.

I am a strong woman. I am not sure that I've ever viewed myself in that light but I ooze strength, false strength. I can do it and I can also probably take care of you and your friend, then maybe their friend's needs. That use to fill a need in me and a broken place that started so long ago. Meeting needs started to feel like that was my thing. I became awfully good at this. So good that God saw fit it to pull back the curtain in this heart of mine and see what sort of falsehood I was building. Truth be told, I was filling something up that God wanted to fill. I rigged a broken piece in my heart for a long while. Until recently.... God took away my duct tape and there's this huge leak messing things up and no longer things work right. I thought it was a well oiled machine, pretty seem-less. I can't meet needs in the same way, ever again. I pray that God will not allow me to take up residence in a fog of false strength anymore.

God listened to my prayer of less of me, more of you. He had to get my attention. He had to break apart a dear friendship of mine. Shatter it into bits for me to take a further look, beyond my friend. He let it die for me to get a glimpse of what I was doing, or not doing. This has been brewing in my heart for six months or more. Some of the smoke has cleared and God has given me insight into the mess I made. I like to be a need-filler, gosh it makes me feel good to meet needs and others love me for it. The point is this, there is a bigger reason why I like to fill needs that God is continuing to unravel and show me. He has shown me that this in my sin. The throne of serving man, not God. It's sin and I am owning it for the very first time.

God reminded me tonight that He is the strong one. He desires me. Not just that but He chose me....and He desires to abundantly bless me....satisfy me.....clothe me with His salvation. Psalm 132 softly reminded me that he is unimaginably strong. Meant to be so strong for me, so I can need. This disarms me...in His arms I can be broken. Did you hear that word again, needy. He wants me to be needy, broken, messy. My husband needs a woman that can communicate her needs, not emasculate Him with strength, control and criticalness. And to be needy in friendships that are balanced in truth and grace. Rooted in the gospel. To stop listening to the lies I've heard so much of; "you won't be understood", "you can't fall apart", "they don't care to hear this"..."I don't want to be that needy girl." I'm drawn to the needy for reasons I know are God-given gifts from the Lord, but moving forward from this place I have to carefully follow Christ to serve in Him and not in my old self-strength. Prayerfully stepping away from unhealthy relationships or bolding ask God to change these relationships so that they are filled with the balance of give and take and truth & grace.

I finally ran out of gas. Nothing left to give but what God gives me. Me the needy one. Me weak, super-weak. Unable to meet anyone's deepest needs anymore. This is freeing for my heart. I needed God to invade this hardness of strength to unleash my feelings, my deep hurts and my needs. God is saying to me...no strength here, not anymore. Let it all go. It never filled your heart in the first place and it never will. I know at times I have tried to even pour my grief into my self-made, strong heart. Oh, what does it look like to grieve in weakness? Could this open new doors for my hurting heart...doors that lead to more healing. Leave it to the Lord to take a hammer to the heart in order that He would fill our hearts with beauty.



Sunday, August 21, 2011

Don't you love when you open your heart to Psalms. It's like words that you know you feel but just needed it to be put into words. Sunday morning worship can be just like that. You don't realize until your singing the words that they have pierced you.. the deepest part of your heart. Ugh.. love when this happens. Then tears.. Here are a few good words that just got me today.


Tasting Forgiveness

I'm pleading my innocence here
Exposing my arrogance all the while
Hoping that nobody sees, especially you

I've yielded to all that has cost me
And thrown to the side what is free
And I'm lying if I say that I've figured it out

But maybe this time
The bread and the wine
Will be more than just food on my lips

Chorus

I 'm tasting forgiveness
And drinking of mercy
I feast on redemption
Tasting forgiveness

Words and music: Robbie Seay Band


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

painfully intentional

What it means to live intentionally has been on my heart lately. It all started with me praying to be in the moment during my days. As hectic and need-filled as all mom's days can be, I noticed an emptiness in me at the end the day. I was starting to feel like I was ending most of my days on a bad note with a bad attitude and thankfulness was no where to be seen. I started praying for God to change my heart with the girls especially. I wanted to look intentionally in the shadows of my day to see God glimpses in them or in anything. It's not about me or my needs or what I can control, right?? He must indeed become more, and I must become less. So might as well look for Him.

Today Graceyn and I went to a national history museum that is right up the street from our house. It a dinosaur museum and it's her favorite. We'd been trying to go for several days and she had been more than patient for a 4 year old. It was time to be rewarded. As we stood in line a very beautiful mom stood in the line ahead of us with her little daughter. Once she turned to the side I saw how very pregnant this mom was. I spoke to her little girl once she made eye contact with me. Then the mom easily opened her heart to me yet she has no idea how her openness nailed my heart. It was like for a moment, in the day to day routine, God broke through, allowing realness and rawness to just be ok. This mom said to me that she didn't know the sex of this baby but her daughter had two older brothers and an older sister who passed away... "so I've got the things I need for a boy or girl", she said. Wow, me a stranger to her, but she felt it important to acknowledge this daughter who can't be with her but that marked her heart forever. After she spoke I was in shock in my own heart. As she grabbed her tickets and headed into the museum, I felt desperate to talk more with her. After we got our tickets I joined her in the elevator but with a few others, so I felt like the door was closed to talk openly with her.

This woman could have let that moment to share her pain pass her by, but she chose to claim her pain and share it. I have randomly shared my addison with perfect strangers, it's like my heart needs to claim her. She can't be seen by anyone in my life but I saw her. I held her beautiful body. My heart claimed her the moment I knew she was within me. I claim her by missing her everyday. Subtly or profoundly. So now, to have those moments that can feel almost awkwardly raw with people and strangers, they are needed. Needed for the one hurting but also needed for the receiver, the stranger, the close friend. Being needy is hard for me, but God's calling me to this. Calling me to call attention to the gaping hole in my heart, it still hurts, it's always going to be a big deal and worthy of attention. It's like a wounded patient that needs nurses around the clock. Intentional living, goodness, it's painful, hard, but sweet for the soul. Because it opens the door once again for God to come in and bind up the broken hearted. For Him to become more, much more in my heart. Intentionality opens the door to not only let God in to rule and work but, but also lets our dear friends in to be the arms and words of Christ and to love us no matter how messy. Underneath the bold step to be known in hurt is finding that the gospel is plenty. Oh for these words to take root in my life and grow.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

sweet glimpse

I just got home from my daily drive this week to vbs. Both of my girls are going and this is a first. It has always been Ellie getting to do all the big girl things and now Graceyn is old enough to attend. We all piled in the van this morn and put on the cd that they handed out on the first day. It takes me back to my days at church camp or any early childhood church related memory. There was a song that came on that was slower and softer, much like a hymn. Ellie and I were both singing it and at the end we both said, what a great song. She then went on to say, "yeah momma, that song makes me want to cry." "Those words." sigh...wow. I don't have words for my heart in that moment. I started to cry not only did I feel moved by this song but more touched that my daughter knows the Lord. A few years back bryan and I prayed with her, that she asked for Jesus to come into her broken heart and live, clean it up as only He can. Since that day.. There are those sweet shadows or glimpses of his hand at work in her heart and I am deeply in awe. Not sure there are many more rewarding things than to see the gospel at work in my child's heart. Her little toothless grin, slinder big girl face, with a proud side pony tail. I love it. Those are the moments I want to capture up in my heart and cry out to God a prayer of thankfulness for my Ellie, his workings in her to mold her into His daughter. What an amazing gift to be her mom and watch it happen.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

See Through Me


I am thankful for a God that sees through me. Sees through the face of the daily grind, sinful mother's unkind words, this demanding wife, wearied body from needy children , the half done hair and makeup, or even the full made face, and nice dress. I am a broken woman. Repaired with grace and the hope of the gospel. I hurt. Hurting from the pain of no. Hurting from my story. The pain that follows me around. He intended this mess of me. Brokenness leads to neediness. The steps attempted to be faithful to an unsafe Lord, even that is painful. More of you Lord and less of me. "Me" is dwindling away.

Thankful for heart repairs being made each day & each breath. Thankful for a God that saw through younger me. Wanted my heart no matter the cost to me. Redemption in my story through small and big ways. Thankful for a God that never gives up on me. Thankful those second long prayers in my whirlwind day are heard and I'm forgiven even though I may reapeat my plea many, many times. He has taken away, yet this sweet God gives. My hands have held loss and later learned to raise them once again in worship. He indeed gives. He loves deeply. So deep this feeble human mind can't get it. Continue to see through me Lord, I'm counting on it.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

April

So, it can be said about me that when I am stressed or heavy hearted, I bake. Maybe there is something stewing heavily in my heart that doesn't have a lot of answers or is just plain heavy. No words but their are ingredients and I can create something delicious in the matter of an hour or so. That is satisfying for the moment. Just yesterday I noticed something... homemade blueberry muffins late the night before, afternoon chocolate, oatmeal, peanut butter no bake cookies, and a from scratch apple pie, should I hear a siren or see the red flags?? I see satisfied kids and a husband that laughs at my full kitchen countertops, but really what does this say about me? I will say that while baking most times unless I'm baking with my chicks, that I sometimes am mind grinding out whatever the heavy may be while baking... insight could be that my souls wants resolution that comes as easily as batch of cookies, done. Perfect.. solved. Or what I want this God given heart that's been given to the Lord seventeen years, that baking might be the white knuckles turning back flesh colored. Maybe I am wrestling trying desperately to say oh no Lord, it's you.. all you. I can control nothing...nothing. You have it all orchestrated so beautifully for me to see complete one day. For now "it's" a mess. I'm the mess. Each year and day that passes my most precious of things can only grown more dear and the control I don't have can plague me...
So, back from my trail here, so why this week do I have batches of sweets and goods that I just spent time putting away? My grief has resurfaced. I don't say that with a "oh great" heart but a relief. I need it back. I am crying for my daughter. I have a life time of heart work that I expectantly wait for God to master. I need to bring the broken pieces to the throne each day and say here. Sort it make it.. remake it Lord. It's a relief to feel the brokenness. I miss her. It's never been far, never not felt that tug but the raw tug is back and I can still see the wounds. The wounds come as the memories of her. The misses continue to be counted. I think oh, not this, nor this....
It's April, 2 years is quickly approaching... Still that same momma on the ultrasound table hearing the news for the first time, desperately waiting for time to stop. Then there's the work I never asked God to do in my heart. I want to give it all up to have her sitting here next to me. But of course He knew I couldn't do that. He wanted and still wants to meet me in the pain. To hold me in the years to come and meet me beyond my wildest imagination. I am thankful for the holding, embracing, and that He knows I am still not alright with this. It's 4 not 3 Lord... I have 4 precious children. He knows I am complicated, and forever hurt. I am not over this. He doesn't expect that. He just wants to meet me in this. The gospel meets me. If not for the pains in the world, would we come to the throne naked, crying so hard we can't see. A mess? no, probably not. The brokenness in this world has only become greater since my addison. Call it awareness or maybe just more of the same pain that has been here since the garden. The brokenness has grown into a world-full.
Jesus come, breathe life and restoration into my broken heart.

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

vs. 5 "Great is our Lord, and abundant in power."

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Just a slice of peace....please.

Lately I feel like I have had a hard time putting a finger on my heart. You know those months seasons, or just days that are rich and sweet times, but just as you get one situation or issue dealt with there is another one waiting in line for it's due time to be dealt with. That is how life feels lately. I make for small snippets of time to pray or read the Bible then I'm off...on adventure.. sorry.. Dr. Seuss Cat in the Hat is on in my house right now. I feel like each child and issue in life has me on an individual adventures with each one of them. So what I am getting at is that peace has felt absent. Peace has not felt attainable. It's the rolling tumbleweed feeling of tossing and being take here and here, over the rocks and stuck behind a tree feeling.

As I was reading this morning, while drying my hair..."My peace, however, is such an all-encompassing gift that it is independent of ALL circumstances. Though you lose everything else, if you gain my peace you are rich indeed." -Jesus Calling

Independent of all circumstances, I turned off my hair dryer at this point to reread. Foolish, I know this, loosen the white knuckles amanda on the adventures I am on. Getting it all sorted and completed, folded, washed, tear wiped, correcting whining instead of words, dirty bodies, hurt little hearts, my addie heart, disobedient sinful little hearts, ugly walls to paint, dog haired hardwoods, broken off teeth, fevered children, schedule of a pastor as a husband, homework check list, errands to run, .... I can't see the peace through all dog hair.. No, it really has been a feeling of, when I get these things sorted and dealt with, I will then feel a sense of peace. Its a ridiculous idea but so easy to buy into. Jesus says I can come to my naked tantruming child with a peace that is not found in that situations. My goodness how my approach to life with this peace in hand would so be full of the love and grace of Christ. No wonder I can't put words to this full heart... I am not letting myself past the circumstances and into the independent peace.. I can have it.. The gospel says I can. I want it for me.. I want my kids and husband to see it in me. So, I want lots of the gospel today. Loads.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Words are just so good.

I have mentioned before how at church, during worship, I can do a lot of my wrestling. Wrestling out my heart of pain or just the everyday struggle of a wondering heart. These words today really moved me. I feel like they made my heart swell and overflow to actual worship, so here you go....

Words to Build a Life On

Chorus:
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed are the poor
Blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones
Who can barely speak

Blessed in your hurt
Blessed in your pain
Blessed when your teardrops
Are falling down like rain

Blessed when you're broken
Blessed when you're blind
Blessed when you're fragile
When you have lost your mind

Blessed when you're desperate
Blessed when you're scared
Blessed when you're lonely
Blessed when you've failed

Blessed when you lose your
Own identity
The blessed when you find it
And it has been redeemed

Blessed when you see what
Your friends can never be
Blessed with your eyes closed
Then blessed you see me




Words & Music: Mike Crawford and the Secret Siblings

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Soooo good. good for the heart and soul.

I have been reading. Yes! I have found this hidden place somewhere down deep where I have always been a reader but perhaps never still long enough to figure that out?? I am really enjoying to read. So much so that I finished a crazy good love story about vampires all of which was over 800 pages! Proud of me. I jumped on the late Twilight party bus, but that is not what is sooo good for the soul. Although I did really enjoy that book.

Ann Voskamp's new book One Thousand Gifts...A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. I am gleaming wonderful truths from this endearing book and I have only really just begun. Actually about to jump in bed and read it now. You don't have to wait to connect with Ann. Her blog, The Holy Experience, has been a delightful daily read.
My heart felt harpooned by today's post.

Her words about feasting on the mysterious as did the Israelites on the manna... Grieving and processing with the attempt to feast on the mysteries of my loss or the awareness of sin in our world everyday. What can and does that look like? Processing those tender words tonight.. What a great topic to discuss with the Lord when I get all still and quiet. :) Click on over there and get quiet with me..

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Silence that Hurts

I have been silenced in the past day. Strep was the culprit, but my heart enjoyed the rest. Doesn't that sound insane. Sickness providing heart rest??? Well I can't say I am now completely refreshed ready to tackle what my home and children can throw at me. But more that I almost needed that peace to see that it is exactly what I need to run after. I don't know how to rest...Even when I have had an afternoon to do as I please, I more times than not choose to run errands to meet family needs. Uh.. I thought I would not be that kind of mom. Well it's happened to me and I have to put a stop to this. I had the opportunity to sit with a counselor this past weekend. One of the over arching themes in my life right now is that I have run off the path.. afraid of rest and quiet because it can be painful there.. hard to bare. BUT if I don't take my shoes off and stay awhile I miss hearing from God completely. Completely.. I said. In return I am missing the nuggets of gold only He can offer me. The healing that only He can give...the binding up of my wounds that He talks about in the Bible. I want in on that. This season has been full and somewhat obvious as to why I have not slowed down. I have enjoyed life lately bonding with my jude.

The past 4 months with my little boy has been truly healing. I have enjoyed caring for this child as I have had to throw out the only rule book I've had to figure out this new world of boy. I am learning and laughing a lot. As I changed his diaper the other morning his manly parts were double the size...freak OUT!!! Who knew it was diaper rash and yeast infection. A little confused that yeast infections can happen to boys, but what do I know? Not much about boys, obviously. That is besides the point, that was just a funny aside that needed sharing. This boy has brought deep joy in my heart to a place I felt hopelessness. A place that I wasn't sure joy could fill again, knowing all the wonderful joy of firsts with my addison would never have a place there along side of her sisters. That is indeed healing and I continue to be grateful for that.

But as my kind and truthful counselor reminded me that my journey of loss must continue. I expect that the silence might still hurt but I have to let it in. I have felt that tension... I have felt a neglect at times and even feeling like I was at a "what's next" grief rest stop. I must sit and listen. It is where God does the work in me that He intends, beauty from ashes...its there. The funny part is I know she is right. The quiet reflective times are where He does the work. When I reach out he already has his arms open. The part that is hard, the part that I struggle with in my heart is that the pain is SO big...the loss is a lifetime of losses and misses...I feel like God can't handle that. I know the christian side of me says Yeah.. of course He can... But I have never had to trust Him with something this big and this hurtful. I am hesitant to believe that... I am messed up. broken in a million pieces. gun shy, following after a God that allowed my child to die. That is crazy to read back to myself after I typed it.. Who does that? To live in that mystery of loving a God that allows that pain can only be a God work in this broken remade heart. Only way.. So pray for me as I struggle like my 3 year to sit still tonight even after I finish these words.. I must listen and wait patiently for the Lord to speak to me... to remind me be still and listen.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I'm back for real this time, really....

So yeah, I am living off the grid for starters... Trying to get my grip back on our little Buck world and my fingers feel slippery.
I am learning that, that is exactly how God wants it. Another wonderful self acknowledgment, wow big word, is that I need to make a habit of getting things off my heart and off my mind by writing more often. I think the writing helps the process along and also keeps the anxiety from building, if it's heavy stuff. I have this uncanny way of pulling the microscope over and getting it turned down really really low only to zoom in on everything heavy or hard going on. As if this viewing of issues will help me handle them all better as I try to figure out ways to get it all under management.. Na, just isn't going to happen.

I escaped out of the house today to what was intended to be a trip to publix but instead a detour to a local boutique to clear my head. As I drove I was thinking and praying for God to forgive this momma. I was easily frustrated, wanted to just cry, angry... and just unpleasant to be around today. And why was I acting this way?? I felt exactly like I described earlier. The microscope turned way down a lot of things heavy... frustrating relationships, 3 year old tantrums, my "what if" mind, (that ones the kicker) I can plug any fear into that one... needy house, sensitive 6 year old... oh what to do with all of this. Same habit and seeing that the lesson has been around before. These are just issues, I will awake to these in the morning and there will be some new to add to the list and maybe one marked off. The task of taking all of these things to the Lord is a familiar path that I have made my own detours off of.

So I prayed my dirty heart out. Left all the figuring out to the Lord. Here's these messy things... I am incapable of having a handle on this. Help my remembering of this Lord. I seem to have forgotten since yesterday.