I have been silenced in the past day. Strep was the culprit, but my heart enjoyed the rest. Doesn't that sound insane. Sickness providing heart rest??? Well I can't say I am now completely refreshed ready to tackle what my home and children can throw at me. But more that I almost needed that peace to see that it is exactly what I need to run after. I don't know how to rest...Even when I have had an afternoon to do as I please, I more times than not choose to run errands to meet family needs. Uh.. I thought I would not be that kind of mom. Well it's happened to me and I have to put a stop to this. I had the opportunity to sit with a counselor this past weekend. One of the over arching themes in my life right now is that I have run off the path.. afraid of rest and quiet because it can be painful there.. hard to bare. BUT if I don't take my shoes off and stay awhile I miss hearing from God completely. Completely.. I said. In return I am missing the nuggets of gold only He can offer me. The healing that only He can give...the binding up of my wounds that He talks about in the Bible. I want in on that. This season has been full and somewhat obvious as to why I have not slowed down. I have enjoyed life lately bonding with my jude.
The past 4 months with my little boy has been truly healing. I have enjoyed caring for this child as I have had to throw out the only rule book I've had to figure out this new world of boy. I am learning and laughing a lot. As I changed his diaper the other morning his manly parts were double the size...freak OUT!!! Who knew it was diaper rash and yeast infection. A little confused that yeast infections can happen to boys, but what do I know? Not much about boys, obviously. That is besides the point, that was just a funny aside that needed sharing. This boy has brought deep joy in my heart to a place I felt hopelessness. A place that I wasn't sure joy could fill again, knowing all the wonderful joy of firsts with my addison would never have a place there along side of her sisters. That is indeed healing and I continue to be grateful for that.
But as my kind and truthful counselor reminded me that my journey of loss must continue. I expect that the silence might still hurt but I have to let it in. I have felt that tension... I have felt a neglect at times and even feeling like I was at a "what's next" grief rest stop. I must sit and listen. It is where God does the work in me that He intends, beauty from ashes...its there. The funny part is I know she is right. The quiet reflective times are where He does the work. When I reach out he already has his arms open. The part that is hard, the part that I struggle with in my heart is that the pain is SO big...the loss is a lifetime of losses and misses...I feel like God can't handle that. I know the christian side of me says Yeah.. of course He can... But I have never had to trust Him with something this big and this hurtful. I am hesitant to believe that... I am messed up. broken in a million pieces. gun shy, following after a God that allowed my child to die. That is crazy to read back to myself after I typed it.. Who does that? To live in that mystery of loving a God that allows that pain can only be a God work in this broken remade heart. Only way.. So pray for me as I struggle like my 3 year to sit still tonight even after I finish these words.. I must listen and wait patiently for the Lord to speak to me... to remind me be still and listen.