Tuesday, August 9, 2011

painfully intentional

What it means to live intentionally has been on my heart lately. It all started with me praying to be in the moment during my days. As hectic and need-filled as all mom's days can be, I noticed an emptiness in me at the end the day. I was starting to feel like I was ending most of my days on a bad note with a bad attitude and thankfulness was no where to be seen. I started praying for God to change my heart with the girls especially. I wanted to look intentionally in the shadows of my day to see God glimpses in them or in anything. It's not about me or my needs or what I can control, right?? He must indeed become more, and I must become less. So might as well look for Him.

Today Graceyn and I went to a national history museum that is right up the street from our house. It a dinosaur museum and it's her favorite. We'd been trying to go for several days and she had been more than patient for a 4 year old. It was time to be rewarded. As we stood in line a very beautiful mom stood in the line ahead of us with her little daughter. Once she turned to the side I saw how very pregnant this mom was. I spoke to her little girl once she made eye contact with me. Then the mom easily opened her heart to me yet she has no idea how her openness nailed my heart. It was like for a moment, in the day to day routine, God broke through, allowing realness and rawness to just be ok. This mom said to me that she didn't know the sex of this baby but her daughter had two older brothers and an older sister who passed away... "so I've got the things I need for a boy or girl", she said. Wow, me a stranger to her, but she felt it important to acknowledge this daughter who can't be with her but that marked her heart forever. After she spoke I was in shock in my own heart. As she grabbed her tickets and headed into the museum, I felt desperate to talk more with her. After we got our tickets I joined her in the elevator but with a few others, so I felt like the door was closed to talk openly with her.

This woman could have let that moment to share her pain pass her by, but she chose to claim her pain and share it. I have randomly shared my addison with perfect strangers, it's like my heart needs to claim her. She can't be seen by anyone in my life but I saw her. I held her beautiful body. My heart claimed her the moment I knew she was within me. I claim her by missing her everyday. Subtly or profoundly. So now, to have those moments that can feel almost awkwardly raw with people and strangers, they are needed. Needed for the one hurting but also needed for the receiver, the stranger, the close friend. Being needy is hard for me, but God's calling me to this. Calling me to call attention to the gaping hole in my heart, it still hurts, it's always going to be a big deal and worthy of attention. It's like a wounded patient that needs nurses around the clock. Intentional living, goodness, it's painful, hard, but sweet for the soul. Because it opens the door once again for God to come in and bind up the broken hearted. For Him to become more, much more in my heart. Intentionality opens the door to not only let God in to rule and work but, but also lets our dear friends in to be the arms and words of Christ and to love us no matter how messy. Underneath the bold step to be known in hurt is finding that the gospel is plenty. Oh for these words to take root in my life and grow.


  1. Wow, the woman's story sounds very similar to mine. We did not find out Addy's sex for this very reason... between my sister having two boys and Evie's things, we were well prepared.
    I wish I could be more open to share my losses. For example, I was in the nursing area at church. There were tons of Moms with two or more children discussing the every day challenges and routines of motherhood. Naturally, my heart ached because I missed Evie and Luke. I wanted so badly to say, "I'm a mother of three beautiful children, but only one could be with me here on earth." I couldn't bring myself to claim them when asked, "Is this your first child?" It hurt my heart like it always does to answer, "yes” feeling as if I had denied my other two beautiful babies. This blog has inspired me to open up more and be more candid about all of my children. You never know what conversation will be sparked and what someone else needs to desperately share. Thank you for sharing your heart!

  2. Mika!! I know, I know what you mean. Sometimes it is so easy to share and others so hard. I think there is so much grace in the times to not share. I know God's healing hand guides us in times of many words to share and sometimes times of quiet. It can feel so risky to share but also freeing in letting people in. Some days it's just easier to take risks and other days it hurts too much. :) Can't wait to see you soon. Can you come to embrace on Thursday? take care!

  3. God is amazing, huh? I know sometimes it is hard to find Him in the middle of pain, but when you feel His healing hand guiding you... it is so comforting!:)

    Yes, I am coming to Embrace on Thursday, for sure! Cannot wait to get back!:) See you Thursday.:) Looking forward to seeing you all!