Wednesday, August 31, 2011

time to need, time to break

God has been playing this broken record lately. It's the "be needy" record. I've heard this from Him a lot lately, it's almost like an annoying song in your head that you can't get rid of.

I am a strong woman. I am not sure that I've ever viewed myself in that light but I ooze strength, false strength. I can do it and I can also probably take care of you and your friend, then maybe their friend's needs. That use to fill a need in me and a broken place that started so long ago. Meeting needs started to feel like that was my thing. I became awfully good at this. So good that God saw fit it to pull back the curtain in this heart of mine and see what sort of falsehood I was building. Truth be told, I was filling something up that God wanted to fill. I rigged a broken piece in my heart for a long while. Until recently.... God took away my duct tape and there's this huge leak messing things up and no longer things work right. I thought it was a well oiled machine, pretty seem-less. I can't meet needs in the same way, ever again. I pray that God will not allow me to take up residence in a fog of false strength anymore.

God listened to my prayer of less of me, more of you. He had to get my attention. He had to break apart a dear friendship of mine. Shatter it into bits for me to take a further look, beyond my friend. He let it die for me to get a glimpse of what I was doing, or not doing. This has been brewing in my heart for six months or more. Some of the smoke has cleared and God has given me insight into the mess I made. I like to be a need-filler, gosh it makes me feel good to meet needs and others love me for it. The point is this, there is a bigger reason why I like to fill needs that God is continuing to unravel and show me. He has shown me that this in my sin. The throne of serving man, not God. It's sin and I am owning it for the very first time.

God reminded me tonight that He is the strong one. He desires me. Not just that but He chose me....and He desires to abundantly bless me....satisfy me.....clothe me with His salvation. Psalm 132 softly reminded me that he is unimaginably strong. Meant to be so strong for me, so I can need. This disarms His arms I can be broken. Did you hear that word again, needy. He wants me to be needy, broken, messy. My husband needs a woman that can communicate her needs, not emasculate Him with strength, control and criticalness. And to be needy in friendships that are balanced in truth and grace. Rooted in the gospel. To stop listening to the lies I've heard so much of; "you won't be understood", "you can't fall apart", "they don't care to hear this"..."I don't want to be that needy girl." I'm drawn to the needy for reasons I know are God-given gifts from the Lord, but moving forward from this place I have to carefully follow Christ to serve in Him and not in my old self-strength. Prayerfully stepping away from unhealthy relationships or bolding ask God to change these relationships so that they are filled with the balance of give and take and truth & grace.

I finally ran out of gas. Nothing left to give but what God gives me. Me the needy one. Me weak, super-weak. Unable to meet anyone's deepest needs anymore. This is freeing for my heart. I needed God to invade this hardness of strength to unleash my feelings, my deep hurts and my needs. God is saying to strength here, not anymore. Let it all go. It never filled your heart in the first place and it never will. I know at times I have tried to even pour my grief into my self-made, strong heart. Oh, what does it look like to grieve in weakness? Could this open new doors for my hurting heart...doors that lead to more healing. Leave it to the Lord to take a hammer to the heart in order that He would fill our hearts with beauty.

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