Thursday, January 19, 2012


Every time I lay Jude down in his crib with his favorite blue fuzzy blanket, he giggles.
He throws the blanket over his face and upper body. Waits for me to say, where's my juders??
He then throws the wad of blanket off his face and flashes that bright and lovely smile. Cue momma melting. It gets me every single time. What follows is funny. He usually starts wailing for me as I leave for nap-time to begin. It's like a cute routine that we must have before things get serious like napping. Other times it's all he needed to calm down and know it's time to rest without any more fighting and tears. Maybe it makes his love cup run over and he know's I'll be back in just a short while.

I have been treasuring this routine lately which then made me think more about it. My heart with the Lord has felt so much like a covering up and then popping back in. I've felt a hushed over myself and at times silenced with my journey. My wanderings from the Lord usually result in me, wanting to gather all my cares in my arms and carry them, ponder them and seek to control what is uncontrollable. This feels good but only for a time. This is where the hushed of heart enters in. The overwhelming burden of life cares without pondering the gracious grace the Lord gives. So I pulled off the blanket and had a good ole cry with my Lord. Praying fervently for the burdens I took which can only be burdened by Him. I am weary from my "go-to" of trying to self manage instead of laying it raw and out in the open each minute during the day. It's easier at times to pull the blanket over and just hide a bit, close those hurting doors, or broken relationships. What would it feel like to live intentionally in the brokenness.. a mess for one. A big messy mess. I am not an organized tidy person, why am I not loving the mess?? A taking down of self protected guards and living in the freedom that He alone defines us. He wants to care for all the broken pieces of our hearts and lives. He takes delight. That loosens my tightened fists.

Lately I've been hushed in my heart of loss. I have not a lot of words, but I do have hurt. It feels trapped at times in my heart. I want to let it out and have words to fill up journals if that would bring relief. I am finding that some seasons in dealing with this hurt maybe aren't meant to feel relief but more sting and just tears. Honest tears of just letting my heart catch up to my reality. She's not here. Addison leaves an empty hole in our family and in our hearts. It's hard to let that hole be and not put things in it. This hole that God allowed has remade me in a way that is uncomfortable. Its sensitive, tender, and just the feel of it is always there. My girls sense the loss of her presence lately in a way that is sweet yet hits me like a ton of bricks when it comes from their little hearts and mouths. Yes, she will be in heaven with us. "You have three girls momma." Empty chairs are sometimes hard for me to look at. The less I process the more pain and it crawls up in the corners of my heart to fester. Maybe that's where I've been lately.. hushed and battling to try and close a door of pain instead of leaving it wide open. Praying for the Lord to lead me ahead in my journey. To uncover it when it needs uncovering and resting in His binding of my wounds.

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