Words are just so good.

I have mentioned before how at church, during worship, I can do a lot of my wrestling. Wrestling out my heart of pain or just the everyday struggle of a wondering heart. These words today really moved me. I feel like they made my heart swell and overflow to actual worship, so here you go....

Words to Build a Life On

Chorus:

These are words to build a life on

These are Your words how can they be mine

These are words to build a life on

These are Your words to build a life on

These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed are the poor

Blessed are the weak

Blessed are the ones

Who can barely speak

Blessed in your hurt

Blessed in your pain

Blessed when your teardrops

Are falling down like rain

Blessed when you're broken

Blessed when you're blind

Blessed when you're fragile

When you have lost your mind

Blessed when you're desperate

Blessed when you're scared

Blessed when you're lonely

Blessed when you've failed

Blessed when you lose your

Own identity

The blessed when you find it

And it has been redeemed

Blessed when you see what

Your friends can never be

Blessed with your eyes closed

Then blessed you see me

Words & Music: Mike Crawford and the Secret Siblings

Soooo good. good for the heart and soul.

I have been reading. Yes! I have found this hidden place somewhere down deep where I have always been a reader but perhaps never still long enough to figure that out?? I am really enjoying to read. So much so that I finished a crazy good love story about vampires all of which was over 800 pages! Proud of me. I jumped on the late Twilight party bus, but that is not what is sooo good for the soul. Although I did really enjoy that book.

Ann Voskamp's new book One Thousand Gifts...A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. I am gleaming wonderful truths from this endearing book and I have only really just begun. Actually about to jump in bed and read it now. You don't have to wait to connect with Ann. Her blog, The Holy Experience, has been a delightful daily read.
My heart felt harpooned by today's post.

Her words about feasting on the mysterious as did the Israelites on the manna... Grieving and processing with the attempt to feast on the mysteries of my loss or the awareness of sin in our world everyday. What can and does that look like? Processing those tender words tonight.. What a great topic to discuss with the Lord when I get all still and quiet. :) Click on over there and get quiet with me..

Silence that Hurts

I have been silenced in the past day. Strep was the culprit, but my heart enjoyed the rest. Doesn't that sound insane. Sickness providing heart rest??? Well I can't say I am now completely refreshed ready to tackle what my home and children can throw at me. But more that I almost needed that peace to see that it is exactly what I need to run after. I don't know how to rest...Even when I have had an afternoon to do as I please, I more times than not choose to run errands to meet family needs. Uh.. I thought I would not be that kind of mom. Well it's happened to me and I have to put a stop to this. I had the opportunity to sit with a counselor this past weekend. One of the over arching themes in my life right now is that I have run off the path.. afraid of rest and quiet because it can be painful there.. hard to bare. BUT if I don't take my shoes off and stay awhile I miss hearing from God completely. Completely.. I said. In return I am missing the nuggets of gold only He can offer me. The healing that only He can give...the binding up of my wounds that He talks about in the Bible. I want in on that. This season has been full and somewhat obvious as to why I have not slowed down. I have enjoyed life lately bonding with my jude.

The past 4 months with my little boy has been truly healing. I have enjoyed caring for this child as I have had to throw out the only rule book I've had to figure out this new world of boy. I am learning and laughing a lot. As I changed his diaper the other morning his manly parts were double the size...freak OUT!!! Who knew it was diaper rash and yeast infection. A little confused that yeast infections can happen to boys, but what do I know? Not much about boys, obviously. That is besides the point, that was just a funny aside that needed sharing. This boy has brought deep joy in my heart to a place I felt hopelessness. A place that I wasn't sure joy could fill again, knowing all the wonderful joy of firsts with my addison would never have a place there along side of her sisters. That is indeed healing and I continue to be grateful for that.

But as my kind and truthful counselor reminded me that my journey of loss must continue. I expect that the silence might still hurt but I have to let it in. I have felt that tension... I have felt a neglect at times and even feeling like I was at a "what's next" grief rest stop. I must sit and listen. It is where God does the work in me that He intends, beauty from ashes...its there. The funny part is I know she is right. The quiet reflective times are where He does the work. When I reach out he already has his arms open. The part that is hard, the part that I struggle with in my heart is that the pain is SO big...the loss is a lifetime of losses and misses...I feel like God can't handle that. I know the christian side of me says Yeah.. of course He can... But I have never had to trust Him with something this big and this hurtful. I am hesitant to believe that... I am messed up. broken in a million pieces. gun shy, following after a God that allowed my child to die. That is crazy to read back to myself after I typed it.. Who does that? To live in that mystery of loving a God that allows that pain can only be a God work in this broken remade heart. Only way.. So pray for me as I struggle like my 3 year to sit still tonight even after I finish these words.. I must listen and wait patiently for the Lord to speak to me... to remind me be still and listen.