Peek-a-boo

Every time I lay Jude down in his crib with his favorite blue fuzzy blanket, he giggles.

He throws the blanket over his face and upper body. Waits for me to say, where's my juders??

He then throws the wad of blanket off his face and flashes that bright and lovely smile. Cue momma melting. It gets me every single time. What follows is funny. He usually starts wailing for me as I leave for nap-time to begin. It's like a cute routine that we must have before things get serious like napping. Other times it's all he needed to calm down and know it's time to rest without any more fighting and tears. Maybe it makes his love cup run over and he know's I'll be back in just a short while.

I have been treasuring this routine lately which then made me think more about it. My heart with the Lord has felt so much like a covering up and then popping back in. I've felt a hushed over myself and at times silenced with my journey. My wanderings from the Lord usually result in me, wanting to gather all my cares in my arms and carry them, ponder them and seek to control what is uncontrollable. This feels good but only for a time. This is where the hushed of heart enters in. The overwhelming burden of life cares without pondering the gracious grace the Lord gives. So I pulled off the blanket and had a good ole cry with my Lord. Praying fervently for the burdens I took which can only be burdened by Him. I am weary from my "go-to" of trying to self manage instead of laying it raw and out in the open each minute during the day. It's easier at times to pull the blanket over and just hide a bit, close those hurting doors, or broken relationships. What would it feel like to live intentionally in the brokenness.. a mess for one. A big messy mess. I am not an organized tidy person, why am I not loving the mess?? A taking down of self protected guards and living in the freedom that He alone defines us. He wants to care for all the broken pieces of our hearts and lives. He takes delight. That loosens my tightened fists.

Lately I've been hushed in my heart of loss. I have not a lot of words, but I do have hurt. It feels trapped at times in my heart. I want to let it out and have words to fill up journals if that would bring relief. I am finding that some seasons in dealing with this hurt maybe aren't meant to feel relief but more sting and just tears. Honest tears of just letting my heart catch up to my reality. She's not here. Addison leaves an empty hole in our family and in our hearts. It's hard to let that hole be and not put things in it. This hole that God allowed has remade me in a way that is uncomfortable. Its sensitive, tender, and just the feel of it is always there. My girls sense the loss of her presence lately in a way that is sweet yet hits me like a ton of bricks when it comes from their little hearts and mouths. Yes, she will be in heaven with us. "You have three girls momma." Empty chairs are sometimes hard for me to look at. The less I process the more pain and it crawls up in the corners of my heart to fester. Maybe that's where I've been lately.. hushed and battling to try and close a door of pain instead of leaving it wide open. Praying for the Lord to lead me ahead in my journey. To uncover it when it needs uncovering and resting in His binding of my wounds.

time to need, time to break

God has been playing this broken record lately. It's the "be needy" record. I've heard this from Him a lot lately, it's almost like an annoying song in your head that you can't get rid of.

I am a strong woman. I am not sure that I've ever viewed myself in that light but I ooze strength, false strength. I can do it and I can also probably take care of you and your friend, then maybe their friend's needs. That use to fill a need in me and a broken place that started so long ago. Meeting needs started to feel like that was my thing. I became awfully good at this. So good that God saw fit it to pull back the curtain in this heart of mine and see what sort of falsehood I was building. Truth be told, I was filling something up that God wanted to fill. I rigged a broken piece in my heart for a long while. Until recently.... God took away my duct tape and there's this huge leak messing things up and no longer things work right. I thought it was a well oiled machine, pretty seem-less. I can't meet needs in the same way, ever again. I pray that God will not allow me to take up residence in a fog of false strength anymore.

God listened to my prayer of less of me, more of you. He had to get my attention. He had to break apart a dear friendship of mine. Shatter it into bits for me to take a further look, beyond my friend. He let it die for me to get a glimpse of what I was doing, or not doing. This has been brewing in my heart for six months or more. Some of the smoke has cleared and God has given me insight into the mess I made. I like to be a need-filler, gosh it makes me feel good to meet needs and others love me for it. The point is this, there is a bigger reason why I like to fill needs that God is continuing to unravel and show me. He has shown me that this in my sin. The throne of serving man, not God. It's sin and I am owning it for the very first time.

God reminded me tonight that He is the strong one. He desires me. Not just that but He chose me....and He desires to abundantly bless me....satisfy me.....clothe me with His salvation. Psalm 132 softly reminded me that he is unimaginably strong. Meant to be so strong for me, so I can need. This disarms me...in His arms I can be broken. Did you hear that word again, needy. He wants me to be needy, broken, messy. My husband needs a woman that can communicate her needs, not emasculate Him with strength, control and criticalness. And to be needy in friendships that are balanced in truth and grace. Rooted in the gospel. To stop listening to the lies I've heard so much of; "you won't be understood", "you can't fall apart", "they don't care to hear this"..."I don't want to be that needy girl." I'm drawn to the needy for reasons I know are God-given gifts from the Lord, but moving forward from this place I have to carefully follow Christ to serve in Him and not in my old self-strength. Prayerfully stepping away from unhealthy relationships or bolding ask God to change these relationships so that they are filled with the balance of give and take and truth & grace.

I finally ran out of gas. Nothing left to give but what God gives me. Me the needy one. Me weak, super-weak. Unable to meet anyone's deepest needs anymore. This is freeing for my heart. I needed God to invade this hardness of strength to unleash my feelings, my deep hurts and my needs. God is saying to me...no strength here, not anymore. Let it all go. It never filled your heart in the first place and it never will. I know at times I have tried to even pour my grief into my self-made, strong heart. Oh, what does it look like to grieve in weakness? Could this open new doors for my hurting heart...doors that lead to more healing. Leave it to the Lord to take a hammer to the heart in order that He would fill our hearts with beauty.

Don't you love when you open your heart to Psalms. It's like words that you know you feel but just needed it to be put into words. Sunday morning worship can be just like that. You don't realize until your singing the words that they have pierced you.. the deepest part of your heart. Ugh.. love when this happens. Then tears.. Here are a few good words that just got me today.

Tasting Forgiveness

I'm pleading my innocence here

Exposing my arrogance all the while

Hoping that nobody sees, especially you

I've yielded to all that has cost me

And thrown to the side what is free

And I'm lying if I say that I've figured it out

But maybe this time

The bread and the wine

Will be more than just food on my lips

Chorus

I 'm tasting forgiveness

And drinking of mercy

I feast on redemption

Tasting forgiveness

Words and music: Robbie Seay Band

painfully intentional

What it means to live intentionally has been on my heart lately. It all started with me praying to be in the moment during my days. As hectic and need-filled as all mom's days can be, I noticed an emptiness in me at the end the day. I was starting to feel like I was ending most of my days on a bad note with a bad attitude and thankfulness was no where to be seen. I started praying for God to change my heart with the girls especially. I wanted to look intentionally in the shadows of my day to see God glimpses in them or in anything. It's not about me or my needs or what I can control, right?? He must indeed become more, and I must become less. So might as well look for Him.

Today Graceyn and I went to a national history museum that is right up the street from our house. It a dinosaur museum and it's her favorite. We'd been trying to go for several days and she had been more than patient for a 4 year old. It was time to be rewarded. As we stood in line a very beautiful mom stood in the line ahead of us with her little daughter. Once she turned to the side I saw how very pregnant this mom was. I spoke to her little girl once she made eye contact with me. Then the mom easily opened her heart to me yet she has no idea how her openness nailed my heart. It was like for a moment, in the day to day routine, God broke through, allowing realness and rawness to just be ok. This mom said to me that she didn't know the sex of this baby but her daughter had two older brothers and an older sister who passed away... "so I've got the things I need for a boy or girl", she said. Wow, me a stranger to her, but she felt it important to acknowledge this daughter who can't be with her but that marked her heart forever. After she spoke I was in shock in my own heart. As she grabbed her tickets and headed into the museum, I felt desperate to talk more with her. After we got our tickets I joined her in the elevator but with a few others, so I felt like the door was closed to talk openly with her.

This woman could have let that moment to share her pain pass her by, but she chose to claim her pain and share it. I have randomly shared my addison with perfect strangers, it's like my heart needs to claim her. She can't be seen by anyone in my life but I saw her. I held her beautiful body. My heart claimed her the moment I knew she was within me. I claim her by missing her everyday. Subtly or profoundly. So now, to have those moments that can feel almost awkwardly raw with people and strangers, they are needed. Needed for the one hurting but also needed for the receiver, the stranger, the close friend. Being needy is hard for me, but God's calling me to this. Calling me to call attention to the gaping hole in my heart, it still hurts, it's always going to be a big deal and worthy of attention. It's like a wounded patient that needs nurses around the clock. Intentional living, goodness, it's painful, hard, but sweet for the soul. Because it opens the door once again for God to come in and bind up the broken hearted. For Him to become more, much more in my heart. Intentionality opens the door to not only let God in to rule and work but, but also lets our dear friends in to be the arms and words of Christ and to love us no matter how messy. Underneath the bold step to be known in hurt is finding that the gospel is plenty. Oh for these words to take root in my life and grow.

sweet glimpse

I just got home from my daily drive this week to vbs. Both of my girls are going and this is a first. It has always been Ellie getting to do all the big girl things and now Graceyn is old enough to attend. We all piled in the van this morn and put on the cd that they handed out on the first day. It takes me back to my days at church camp or any early childhood church related memory. There was a song that came on that was slower and softer, much like a hymn. Ellie and I were both singing it and at the end we both said, what a great song. She then went on to say, "yeah momma, that song makes me want to cry." "Those words." sigh...wow. I don't have words for my heart in that moment. I started to cry not only did I feel moved by this song but more touched that my daughter knows the Lord. A few years back bryan and I prayed with her, that she asked for Jesus to come into her broken heart and live, clean it up as only He can. Since that day.. There are those sweet shadows or glimpses of his hand at work in her heart and I am deeply in awe. Not sure there are many more rewarding things than to see the gospel at work in my child's heart. Her little toothless grin, slinder big girl face, with a proud side pony tail. I love it. Those are the moments I want to capture up in my heart and cry out to God a prayer of thankfulness for my Ellie, his workings in her to mold her into His daughter. What an amazing gift to be her mom and watch it happen.

See Through Me

I am thankful for a God that sees through me. Sees through the face of the daily grind, sinful mother's unkind words, this demanding wife, wearied body from needy children , the half done hair and makeup, or even the full made face, and nice dress. I am a broken woman. Repaired with grace and the hope of the gospel. I hurt. Hurting from the pain of no. Hurting from my story. The pain that follows me around. He intended this mess of me. Brokenness leads to neediness. The steps attempted to be faithful to an unsafe Lord, even that is painful. More of you Lord and less of me. "Me" is dwindling away.

Thankful for heart repairs being made each day & each breath. Thankful for a God that saw through younger me. Wanted my heart no matter the cost to me. Redemption in my story through small and big ways. Thankful for a God that never gives up on me. Thankful those second long prayers in my whirlwind day are heard and I'm forgiven even though I may reapeat my plea many, many times. He has taken away, yet this sweet God gives. My hands have held loss and later learned to raise them once again in worship. He indeed gives. He loves deeply. So deep this feeble human mind can't get it. Continue to see through me Lord, I'm counting on it.

April

So, it can be said about me that when I am stressed or heavy hearted, I bake. Maybe there is something stewing heavily in my heart that doesn't have a lot of answers or is just plain heavy. No words but their are ingredients and I can create something delicious in the matter of an hour or so. That is satisfying for the moment. Just yesterday I noticed something... homemade blueberry muffins late the night before, afternoon chocolate, oatmeal, peanut butter no bake cookies, and a from scratch apple pie, should I hear a siren or see the red flags?? I see satisfied kids and a husband that laughs at my full kitchen countertops, but really what does this say about me? I will say that while baking most times unless I'm baking with my chicks, that I sometimes am mind grinding out whatever the heavy may be while baking... insight could be that my souls wants resolution that comes as easily as batch of cookies, done. Perfect.. solved. Or what I want this God given heart that's been given to the Lord seventeen years, that baking might be the white knuckles turning back flesh colored. Maybe I am wrestling trying desperately to say oh no Lord, it's you.. all you. I can control nothing...nothing. You have it all orchestrated so beautifully for me to see complete one day. For now "it's" a mess. I'm the mess. Each year and day that passes my most precious of things can only grown more dear and the control I don't have can plague me...

So, back from my trail here, so why this week do I have batches of sweets and goods that I just spent time putting away? My grief has resurfaced. I don't say that with a "oh great" heart but a relief. I need it back. I am crying for my daughter. I have a life time of heart work that I expectantly wait for God to master. I need to bring the broken pieces to the throne each day and say here. Sort it make it.. remake it Lord. It's a relief to feel the brokenness. I miss her. It's never been far, never not felt that tug but the raw tug is back and I can still see the wounds. The wounds come as the memories of her. The misses continue to be counted. I think oh, not this, nor this....

It's April, 2 years is quickly approaching... Still that same momma on the ultrasound table hearing the news for the first time, desperately waiting for time to stop. Then there's the work I never asked God to do in my heart. I want to give it all up to have her sitting here next to me. But of course He knew I couldn't do that. He wanted and still wants to meet me in the pain. To hold me in the years to come and meet me beyond my wildest imagination. I am thankful for the holding, embracing, and that He knows I am still not alright with this. It's 4 not 3 Lord... I have 4 precious children. He knows I am complicated, and forever hurt. I am not over this. He doesn't expect that. He just wants to meet me in this. The gospel meets me. If not for the pains in the world, would we come to the throne naked, crying so hard we can't see. A mess? no, probably not. The brokenness in this world has only become greater since my addison. Call it awareness or maybe just more of the same pain that has been here since the garden. The brokenness has grown into a world-full.

Jesus come, breathe life and restoration into my broken heart.

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

vs. 5 "Great is our Lord, and abundant in power."

Just a slice of peace....please.

Lately I feel like I have had a hard time putting a finger on my heart. You know those months seasons, or just days that are rich and sweet times, but just as you get one situation or issue dealt with there is another one waiting in line for it's due time to be dealt with. That is how life feels lately. I make for small snippets of time to pray or read the Bible then I'm off...on adventure.. sorry.. Dr. Seuss Cat in the Hat is on in my house right now. I feel like each child and issue in life has me on an individual adventures with each one of them. So what I am getting at is that peace has felt absent. Peace has not felt attainable. It's the rolling tumbleweed feeling of tossing and being take here and here, over the rocks and stuck behind a tree feeling.

As I was reading this morning, while drying my hair..."My peace, however, is such an all-encompassing gift that it is independent of ALL circumstances. Though you lose everything else, if you gain my peace you are rich indeed." -Jesus Calling

Independent of all circumstances, I turned off my hair dryer at this point to reread. Foolish, I know this, loosen the white knuckles amanda on the adventures I am on. Getting it all sorted and completed, folded, washed, tear wiped, correcting whining instead of words, dirty bodies, hurt little hearts, my addie heart, disobedient sinful little hearts, ugly walls to paint, dog haired hardwoods, broken off teeth, fevered children, schedule of a pastor as a husband, homework check list, errands to run, .... I can't see the peace through all dog hair.. No, it really has been a feeling of, when I get these things sorted and dealt with, I will then feel a sense of peace. Its a ridiculous idea but so easy to buy into. Jesus says I can come to my naked tantruming child with a peace that is not found in that situations. My goodness how my approach to life with this peace in hand would so be full of the love and grace of Christ. No wonder I can't put words to this full heart... I am not letting myself past the circumstances and into the independent peace.. I can have it.. The gospel says I can. I want it for me.. I want my kids and husband to see it in me. So, I want lots of the gospel today. Loads.

Words are just so good.

I have mentioned before how at church, during worship, I can do a lot of my wrestling. Wrestling out my heart of pain or just the everyday struggle of a wondering heart. These words today really moved me. I feel like they made my heart swell and overflow to actual worship, so here you go....

Words to Build a Life On

Chorus:

These are words to build a life on

These are Your words how can they be mine

These are words to build a life on

These are Your words to build a life on

These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed are the poor

Blessed are the weak

Blessed are the ones

Who can barely speak

Blessed in your hurt

Blessed in your pain

Blessed when your teardrops

Are falling down like rain

Blessed when you're broken

Blessed when you're blind

Blessed when you're fragile

When you have lost your mind

Blessed when you're desperate

Blessed when you're scared

Blessed when you're lonely

Blessed when you've failed

Blessed when you lose your

Own identity

The blessed when you find it

And it has been redeemed

Blessed when you see what

Your friends can never be

Blessed with your eyes closed

Then blessed you see me

Words & Music: Mike Crawford and the Secret Siblings

Soooo good. good for the heart and soul.

I have been reading. Yes! I have found this hidden place somewhere down deep where I have always been a reader but perhaps never still long enough to figure that out?? I am really enjoying to read. So much so that I finished a crazy good love story about vampires all of which was over 800 pages! Proud of me. I jumped on the late Twilight party bus, but that is not what is sooo good for the soul. Although I did really enjoy that book.

Ann Voskamp's new book One Thousand Gifts...A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. I am gleaming wonderful truths from this endearing book and I have only really just begun. Actually about to jump in bed and read it now. You don't have to wait to connect with Ann. Her blog, The Holy Experience, has been a delightful daily read.
My heart felt harpooned by today's post.

Her words about feasting on the mysterious as did the Israelites on the manna... Grieving and processing with the attempt to feast on the mysteries of my loss or the awareness of sin in our world everyday. What can and does that look like? Processing those tender words tonight.. What a great topic to discuss with the Lord when I get all still and quiet. :) Click on over there and get quiet with me..

Silence that Hurts

I have been silenced in the past day. Strep was the culprit, but my heart enjoyed the rest. Doesn't that sound insane. Sickness providing heart rest??? Well I can't say I am now completely refreshed ready to tackle what my home and children can throw at me. But more that I almost needed that peace to see that it is exactly what I need to run after. I don't know how to rest...Even when I have had an afternoon to do as I please, I more times than not choose to run errands to meet family needs. Uh.. I thought I would not be that kind of mom. Well it's happened to me and I have to put a stop to this. I had the opportunity to sit with a counselor this past weekend. One of the over arching themes in my life right now is that I have run off the path.. afraid of rest and quiet because it can be painful there.. hard to bare. BUT if I don't take my shoes off and stay awhile I miss hearing from God completely. Completely.. I said. In return I am missing the nuggets of gold only He can offer me. The healing that only He can give...the binding up of my wounds that He talks about in the Bible. I want in on that. This season has been full and somewhat obvious as to why I have not slowed down. I have enjoyed life lately bonding with my jude.

The past 4 months with my little boy has been truly healing. I have enjoyed caring for this child as I have had to throw out the only rule book I've had to figure out this new world of boy. I am learning and laughing a lot. As I changed his diaper the other morning his manly parts were double the size...freak OUT!!! Who knew it was diaper rash and yeast infection. A little confused that yeast infections can happen to boys, but what do I know? Not much about boys, obviously. That is besides the point, that was just a funny aside that needed sharing. This boy has brought deep joy in my heart to a place I felt hopelessness. A place that I wasn't sure joy could fill again, knowing all the wonderful joy of firsts with my addison would never have a place there along side of her sisters. That is indeed healing and I continue to be grateful for that.

But as my kind and truthful counselor reminded me that my journey of loss must continue. I expect that the silence might still hurt but I have to let it in. I have felt that tension... I have felt a neglect at times and even feeling like I was at a "what's next" grief rest stop. I must sit and listen. It is where God does the work in me that He intends, beauty from ashes...its there. The funny part is I know she is right. The quiet reflective times are where He does the work. When I reach out he already has his arms open. The part that is hard, the part that I struggle with in my heart is that the pain is SO big...the loss is a lifetime of losses and misses...I feel like God can't handle that. I know the christian side of me says Yeah.. of course He can... But I have never had to trust Him with something this big and this hurtful. I am hesitant to believe that... I am messed up. broken in a million pieces. gun shy, following after a God that allowed my child to die. That is crazy to read back to myself after I typed it.. Who does that? To live in that mystery of loving a God that allows that pain can only be a God work in this broken remade heart. Only way.. So pray for me as I struggle like my 3 year to sit still tonight even after I finish these words.. I must listen and wait patiently for the Lord to speak to me... to remind me be still and listen.

I'm back for real this time, really....

So yeah, I am living off the grid for starters... Trying to get my grip back on our little Buck world and my fingers feel slippery.
I am learning that, that is exactly how God wants it. Another wonderful self acknowledgment, wow big word, is that I need to make a habit of getting things off my heart and off my mind by writing more often. I think the writing helps the process along and also keeps the anxiety from building, if it's heavy stuff. I have this uncanny way of pulling the microscope over and getting it turned down really really low only to zoom in on everything heavy or hard going on. As if this viewing of issues will help me handle them all better as I try to figure out ways to get it all under management.. Na, just isn't going to happen.

I escaped out of the house today to what was intended to be a trip to publix but instead a detour to a local boutique to clear my head. As I drove I was thinking and praying for God to forgive this momma. I was easily frustrated, wanted to just cry, angry... and just unpleasant to be around today. And why was I acting this way?? I felt exactly like I described earlier. The microscope turned way down a lot of things heavy... frustrating relationships, 3 year old tantrums, my "what if" mind, (that ones the kicker) I can plug any fear into that one... needy house, sensitive 6 year old... oh what to do with all of this. Same habit and seeing that the lesson has been around before. These are just issues, I will awake to these in the morning and there will be some new to add to the list and maybe one marked off. The task of taking all of these things to the Lord is a familiar path that I have made my own detours off of.

So I prayed my dirty heart out. Left all the figuring out to the Lord. Here's these messy things... I am incapable of having a handle on this. Help my remembering of this Lord. I seem to have forgotten since yesterday.

He gets me.. thank goodness.

I apologize, I already said that I'd be back on the grid and then I went and fell off again. Grace, I know grace..
But I am seeing that this heart needs to write and maybe not writing is me not dealing with something. Avoiding pain, avoiding hurt. Quite possibly so.

Christmas last year was an awkward mix of emotions... sweet to watch the girls embrace Christmas and strive to celebrate as a family. Yet also the hurting and pain was there. So as this Christmas is quickly approaching... with a sweet son in my arms, it is indeed sweet, deeply sweet. Oh and deeply healing. I look at him and am just amazed by this precious boy. So amazed at the Lord for blessing me with him, and for the new journey into boy-ness. My heart is celebrating.
But.. traveling to the other side of my heart this momma is one less. My heart has been hurting lately maybe even without me knowing it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday while at my moms, it hits me... There is suppose to be a little girl in my lap eating table food and playing with her sisters... We are missing a sisterhood. Watching 3 girls run and play, eat at a table, play dress up.. Which dress would she prefer? what would her little face now look like? deep breath.. It's a lot to think about all at once all that we are missing. Too painful but my heart has to go there. I have to think these things as it is at my core to miss her.

Several days after jude's birth bryan and I had the quietness to process our last stay at that hospital. How completely opposite our stays were with Addison and Jude. It was hard quite honestly as we left the hospital. The ride was all too familiar and we passed by my old room. I climbed in the little transport wheel chair and just fought back tears all the way to meet bryan in the van. I road on a wheelchair once before deeply broken apart, then there I was wheeling away with a sweet blessing.. oh the pain and the joy.. such hard contrasts but there was something to grieve there. So once jude was safely buckled and I sat beside him, bryan and I just wept. I barely had to recount my journey from my room to the car with him. His eyes were full of tears as soon as I looked at him. Oh the pain of all that we didn't get to have. All those deep tears needed a path out of my heart and needed to get out, be let out... Our addie hearts had to grieve. It felt like such an appropriate and obvious time to cry for her. Even in the midst of a beautiful day of bringing home my son. Strange yet normal. My normal. :)

So I share that coming home story to now share how that same double emotion is hitting me now. It's christmas! I love celebrating and singing these hymns of praise... yet I have this new heart with new rules. I have to wrestle out the pain and hurt so I can rejoice and worship the Lord. He knows this about me, it's just me that is surprised. I must miss my daughter. It hurts to know that I always will. There is not an escape but a rescuer and a Father that is after me. Thank goodness... but I know that as we celebrate Christmas I can bring my broken heart, my hurting heart, my thankful and grateful heart to the altar and worship the King that gets me in the pain and the joy.

"joy to the world, the Lord has come"

Oh so thankful he comes to the hurting, the broken and needy.. only He can bring the JOY..

ThankFULL heart

I am finally a small bleep back on the radar of life and evidently my blog. No intentions of being MIA, just happened.
I forgot how consuming life can be with a newborn. I mean that with all the good of consuming. I have been so eager to be with this child. SO loving when he wakes to feed and for me to get that feeding cuddle time. SO far, this boy is true to his busy self in the womb. He was oh so busy even to the point that the ultrasound tech, during one of my weekly visits could not get a good read on his heart. He was too busy flipping away from the doppler. Hilarious.. but not always laughing past midnight when he is just letting out the nightly fusses, but again.. thankful.. SO thankful.

Jude Anders is deeply loved by his sweet sisters so much so that I have to remind graceyn that he needs to breathe, "thats enough sweetheart." :) Ellie doesn't want to miss one bath or diaper change. She is on top of him saying the things she hears me say, so sweet to watch that happen. All the girls in this house are little mothers... all of us loving him so well and so deeply.

I could not be more thankful.. grateful...and left speechless and amazed at his rising and falling chest. To see life in this sweet boy and get to look into his deep blue eyes... SO much sweetness to acknowledge. Because of Addison's short life, his life seems all the more amazing and miraculous. A friend reminded me that worshiping with Jude in my arms for the first time will be so sweet. She was right. It was and continues to be my favorite part about Sunday worship. To praise God for having him in my arms moving and kicking instead of feeling his movements on the inside, wondering what God had planned for Jude. God heard my cries and answered the cry of my heart. He didn't have to, yet in His compassion He did. Have I mentioned that I'm thankful...Oh I can't communicate the half of it.

Glad to be back as a bleep on the radar.. Thankful to have a place to write and process... as the heart is always full.
much love.

Boy Bliss

It is taken me a while to get back on the grid but I finally made it.
Jude Anders, could not be a more amazing boy and just my precious son. Oh he is sweet and easy to soothe. This is new to this momma of girls.. Oh the drama that starts as a newborn with girls is unreal. Jude's cries have reason and I am loving his laid back spirit for now. This could change come his original due date, Oct. 20th, So I will keep you posted.
Oh where to start on his short journey thus far.. in the OR I guess.
My scheduled C-section was at 1pm on Sept. 29th. Unlike any previous C-section,
I was the most anxious I have ever been, exhausted from a journey against anxiety over the past 9 months, sadness over addison and having only the memories of a silent c-section to bring with me into this operating room.

I love the way God brings lightness into the heavy, we so need it whether we think we do or not.
I had a nurse in pre-op. She talked, I mean a lot. I really did enjoy her. She loved us well. But she loved to talk about anything and this way of communicating made me a little un certain of her abilities as a nurse. She took her dear time and forgot a lot of requests because she was over involved in chit-chatting. Loved her spunk but there were a few times I wanted to take my fingers and put them over her mouth.. enough new friend... lets have quiet time before I get my belly sliced open and meet my son for the first time, ok, Ok. :) I did get use to my nurse's love to talk and after a while it was more comforting.. In recovery after jude was in my arms, I had something to stare at and love on and her chatting was background music.

My OR was a little serious besides my chatty nurse, keeping things light..
There was an emergency C-section that rushed in behind me which delayed things a bit and made my nerves soar into new places. But things began rolling rather quickly once my epidural was put in. My doctor asked me "was I ready?".. What a long journey, but I was on the verge of crying when I said.. "Oh yes. I am SO ready." I remember Bryan popping down beside me masked and ready, then the doctors already began pulling and tugging.. minutes later a cry.. A deep loud robust cry! 7 pounds of goodness and with eyes that I immediately thought looked like graceyn! Oh and he has my hands!!! None of our kids have my hands and toes. Must be a dominant gene of bryan's because they all have his toes and hands, except my jude!!! He does have bryan's toes, but to bryan's credit he does have nice slim feet.
My doctor said he fell out bottom first! It seemed like he was trying to get out of there. I cried at those words and then allowed all the anxiety out.. fears I had battled all during my pregnancy.. just sobbed for the moment I had waited for! Happy cries, needed cries, and just let it continue to flow. As did my sweet emotional husband. The funny thing about c-sections is that the husband gets to leave after the baby is checked out and handed over to us for a few minutes, so I get a kiss on the head and bryan is out. Then My Doctor said , "my assistant will get finish the last few things here and I got to go see that baby boy!" So I am left alone.. it has happened with ellie and graceyn. Where I feel like I get a few minutes to soak in what just happened, which I have liked but then there is an element to it, where I don't think the one in surgery should be abandoned. Especially since I am the momma! I want to go see my baby!!!

My time in recovery was long but sweet. They were having trouble getting me into an open room but this just made my time with jude and eventually with bryan and the girls too, all the more sweet. Moments that will forever be engraved in my mind.
Just an overwhelming sense of deep joy and love from the Lord. Redeeming Love is what it felt like, It doesn't take away the scars on my heart but maybe instead it gives me a gentle and sweet pat of reassurance that my God is at work to heal and restore and that He chose to bless me with a son, an unexpected son, that I will now have the awesome privilege to walk along side of him. I have lots of questions in my heart. How will jude mold our family, How will we mold Him, but most importantly How will the Lord use jude? I get to raise a boy to become a godly man, husband, leader, father.. What a daunting task to do without the Lord, but a pure sweet joy to watch little jude's heart unfold and grow.

Sweet precious time for us as a family right now, soaking this all in and love the feeling of my arms being full and warm with this sweet boy.

Your prayers, messages, and love have meant so much, so thankful for dear friends and your love.

tomorrow, Sept. 29th

So, it's on. Yes, it sure is. C-section is on for tomorrow at 1pm. My head is spinning with emotion, planning, packing, tying up loose ends around the house, in my kitchen, for ellie's school. It is all becoming more real as I eat my banana and two glasses of milk before the "eat no more" window begins. I have so much to say but then I am sort of silenced by the arrival of this time.
I was reading a devotional entry for today and the main focus was on receiving God's love well. It is apart of our faith is to receive His love well. To trust his love, his care, his hand, his plan.. all under the umbrella of receiving His love well. I stink at this.
I have lived in this tension maybe for the past 9 months. Desperate to be basking in the sun of His love, in the bliss of that but just as it was written so perfectly in this devotional.. But, BUT watch out because the lies are there too.. the brokenness will creep back in, push it back, quiet the lies and trust.. Trust is a big intimidating word.. it comes across like it should be so easy but in fact impossible without the Lord. Without first receiving God's love.. starting there.. I have lived in the pushing off the lies for a while now and the Lord knows I am weary and worn. it was simple as I read that devotional. That is my prayer that I would receive and feel God's love tomorrow. He is offering it freely like any other day.. but I want to be a receiver tomorrow and experience His love in incredible ways, not bogged down with lies, free in the Lord, and comforted by God's peace. That is my prayer.. would you pray that for me? Also pray for my little boy.. Safe delivery for him and myself, safe welcome into arms that have SO longed for the day. I could type on but my eyes are already full of tears and then I won't be able to see and would have to wait for the tears to stop.. and I am reminded by mom sleeping on our couch, that I should, "get some rest honey."
That I will do.
Coveting your prayers and oh so thankful for your love.
night night.

A test.. and a big day.

Friends.. I am sitting up late tonight.. needing that bed desperately but knowing that tomorrow is a big day...
Bryan and I are going in for the amnio at 8am. The test result will be in by dinner time tomorrow night. If the test shows his lungs are fully developed... C-section on Wednesday.. Please pray for my appointment in the morning. All along the past months I have tried to cling tightly to the Lord's hand with each Dr.'s visit and tomorrow's visit will be no different. Please pray for all to go smoothly and for my rest and hope to be in the Lord. Thankful to have b with me and to have his hand to hold.
Thankful that we are at this point but also so many emotions.. Thankful I can give them all to the Lord.
climbing in bed now and covet your prayers..
thank you and love...

My sweet chicks

It is only appropriate to share about my girls. I love doing life with these little people and having the joy as their momma to watch the hand of the Lord shape and mold their hearts. Today was a marathon, or a sprint maybe to get it all done for Ellie's 6th birthday. Especially now as life will quickly change and she will become the bigger sister of two siblings it was all the more important in my heart that we really celebrated her. Made her feel loved and super special as she is in so many ways. I was so proud of her as she greeted all her kindergarten friends, bounced with them in the bounce house, did a birthday butterfly craft, and proudly looked around as all her sweet friends sang happy birthday to her. As it always is, watching her face was worth every bit of hard work or swollen feet. At her 3rd birthday party she looked around proudly with that same face.. with an innocent sweetness that I will not ever forget. Ellie belle is my feeler, deep feeler. She loves deeply, plays deeply, and processes life just like her dear daddy. She is driven and focused on the things she loves, school is 1st on that list right now. She comes to me with things processed and thoroughly thought out. She asks me to not help when she confidently says, "I got it mom". I want to be a good "backing off mom". I am learning that with elle and pray as she grows and wants to take more confident steps of childhood, that I am here, Oh so here for her, but let her stand on her on two unique feet. Something I have not thought about until lately is the journey of loss Ellie has been on with us, after we lost Addison. She cried with us, mentions and processes aloud her sweet sister. It hurts in a different way as her mom to know how at her young age she thinks about her little sister in heaven with the Lord and misses her along with us. I think in many ways she has guarded her heart along with me during my pregnancy this time around. This makes me see ways to pray for her in these last weeks of pregnancy and that the Lord would indeed heal her heart of pain too. Oh Lord, work in her heart to heal and restore.. May ellie see the Story of hope in her brother's life thus far... even if it's just a little glimpse of putting our hope not in this world, people, things in this world, but you Lord.. just you.

On to my gray. The sweetness of having her most days all by herself. To have no other children around, just yet, to focus in on this spunky sweet child and learn new aspects of her bright personality.. It brings so much joy.. it really does. It is fun to see myself in gray. Like me, she loves to process life verbally and share things rolling around in her head. Maybe without rhyme or reason, but I could care less.. Love to sit and listen. Her latest phrase is "right momma?" That phrase follows most anything she is declaring to me about her day and I love to reassure her, oh yes gray that is right. Graceyn is my little caregiver. It is almost like she can smell someone having a bad day. You ok momma?? why are you crying ellie?? Are you ok? then with her little hand she pats my back and gives a big hug. Amazingly aware of people around her and the sad or happy expressions people have. She is in tune to others and watching this unfold in her is so fun. How the Lord will use this in her for His glory will be incredible to watch. I am sure that Addison touched gray's little heart, despite her being so young and barely two. She was and still is a belly kisser and had nothing to compare it to, when we came home from the hospital without Addie. Now this round she has been my little assistant to a lot of Dr. appointments, LOTS. Without realizing it, she has been so eagerly hopeful and loved him with such abandon over the past 9 months.. It has moved me and challenged me. Seriously, it is no suprise how her heart for him has refined my own and she has no idea. She has been hopeful for me.
She knows the Dr.'s who have the good candy and certain hair colors.. One place we watch baby brother on a tv and other place we listen to his heart beat for a good bit. She has been his cheerleader and LOVED him deeply from the start. This made me want to grab her heart early on, but this is just gray. She Loves to love. She talks about him constantly and prays for him each time we pray as a family or on the way to school each morning. Her heart to just pray in general is so fun lately.. she prays for everyone.. with gusto and passion.. "for da neigbors around us, baby broder in momma's belly... oh can she go on and on and we all love to hear her heart. Her little life will be greatly effected by her brother's birth and how she will become the big sister. Oh, again, Lord willing it will be a true momma joy to watch this unfold. These chicks bless me to a place of having no more words.. just tears of joy for the gifts of grace they are.. It was overdue to share my heart over them and the sharing will never end. Just thankful...

hope... HOPE

I try to laugh at myself often as this makes life a little easier to handle and digest especially on the rougher days.
I am awake. It is 4:45, hello indigestion I knew you were coming just thought it would be earlier, big girl gray has been up for several bathroom runs as to not ruin her big girl panties, ellie belles sneezed about 10 times, and we have bryan's mom and grandmother sleeping in the adjoining room to the girls room. Full house in my barely 1,000 sq foot house. My belly is twisting and turning as my boy is awaking with me to all the busyness of this house at such a dark and early hour. LIfe can make me laugh because it truly is never a dull moment.
I have wondered why I have not blogged more lately as my pregnancy is winding down. I have continually felt drawn to blog but honestly just maybe too much to say, not able to keep up with my own mind. I have to struggled to live in my head a lot lately and not share the worries and fears that so easily entangle me. Too much.. What continues to amaze me is that my prayers bring me such peace and comfort.. Casting hope only to Jesus and not our earthly circumstances or wants could not be more difficult. This is not humanly possible. It just isn't God must live in my heart for me to even taste a tiny bit of that. I feel at times that I have.. because when I feel like I haven't it could not be a more harsh and unstable mindset.
Not to mention the numerous milestones and dramas that happen each day with gray and ellie. Part of my heart walks out the door for almost a full day to school to carry out her own adventures, I mean this hoping in nothing earthly applies to each and every little heart in my house and to all the adult size ones. A battle to face each day.. it is where freedom lives.. a tiny taste of heavenly freedom. My God is the same God before and in the midst of all little battles and storms.. in the everyday, in the wonderful times and the very painful. The only way to get there has been for me to be completely honest with myself.. repent a lot, to my bryan, to my girls, friends around me, and to the Lord.. this is where I am. At the end of self and jumping over onto the only Hope I can have. It is where God has showed me I need to be in the past year. Life is such a mix of all those things.. sweet to the core yet at times gut wrenchingly painful. I have found this pregnancy to be such a mix of that.. And because of that seeing my deep need for hope beyond my earthly thinking.. God's work.
So, as this belly gets to record bigness, watching my little boy's weight climb, and to see I have under 2 weeks until my c-section I will strive all the more to hope, HOPE big in the Lord. Less in what swims around in my mind.. from the beginning of my journey with him, each visit and test result has been a speed bump... now each appointment and each and every kick, which honestly can easily be my hardest work yet.. So the spiritual picture I see of myself now it running.. I am running each moment of the day.. to swim in my head of worries OR to rest in HOPE.. praying for my Lord to set my heart and mind on His hope and peace. My hands cannot hold my son yet.. they can only rest on my big belly and my heart has to be given over to the Lord with each and every thought so He can put Hope there.. lots of it.. please do so even now Lord. I need extra. :)
I'll be back.. sooner rather than later and maybe at a normal hour of the day.

getting my boy groove on...

It is a pattern.. late at night, is when I thrive! Bad in so many ways, yet so good for my heart. Night owls really do have more fun. So yeah it is worth it. I have tried to blog several times in the past week. I have wanted to, but so much going on in the head that made it seem impossible to retrieve anything. I have hated that feeling. Hated the continual heaviness yet trying to embrace the fact that at times is the "new" me. I have battled that out here writing and so it is slowly becoming my norm, but of course have not lost that amanda right beneath the scratch of the surface. thank goodness.. :)

So, I am pregnant. Very.. pregnant with a belly that shakes with joyful kicks of a precious one. A buck this time. not a chick.. Still so fun to say. I am taking what feels like leaps forward toward my baby yet full aware that I have nothing to lay my trust in. Nothing. I am not in the clear, I can't take a deep breath of relief, or cry out my eyes and say, all is well. I have longed for that and been brought abruptly to the Lord on this. After each twice a week Dr.'s appointment or full hour of kicks and punches in my belly, wanting more assurance, more confidence that all is well, when nothing is for certain. Sadly this is true for every pregnant person walking on the earth, it can't feel more true to me than now. I look back at myself with ellie and the innocent feelings I had while pregnant with her.. Who was that person? it is a faith battle my friends..
Now that I am in the 30s, I have had non stress tests. I sit strapped with monitors and watch and listen to his heart pump and beat, yet still puts me back into the "NO CONTROL HERE" seat. I find myself anxious waiting and looking for anything bad, yet even if I could predict, there would be nothing I could do to change that fact. Not a thing.. not one thing.. I have to repeat this truth to myself every single day.. I was driving home alone on an errand a few days ago praying for him and called him my son. This brought me to tears, my heart felt like I was taking the biggest leap towards him... I have felt that deep in my heart and that love that is just there but I let it out.. felt good to love on him like that. I needed that and I want and pray for such a connection to my son.

I know God is calling me to walk towards this sweet boy and hope not in his arrival but in the fact that my Lord knows my story, my pain, my desires... and that He delights in giving me gifts and things beyond my wildest imagination.. but even when He doesn't He is still the same matchless savior , the only savior that understands my pain and can come down to the deep of my heart. My heart is flowing with love for my son, hurt for my daughter, and growing in a new hope.. Hope that is new to my heart and no longer one dimensional.. "God will always show up and bless me, he has before" but that I know my God shows up even when what I want is taken, in the darkest of times..He can't help but be there and whisper His name to me.

This is my prayer for my son that you would hear with me and the girls in the car or at night when they are tucked in their beds:

Dear Lord, this sweet boy is yours and has never been in my control. You have literally knit him inside of me and I pray for continual protection over him. Allow him to thrive and be born to live life with us. We want to live life with him Lord and love on him here. Please Lord give us the delight of raising him to love you and walk along side of you. That he would know you at a young age and never depart from your ways. Keep watch over him Lord, thank you for his sweet movements. May they continue to bring comfort.. Be with each dr. appointment and bless him and these doctors.. We pray this trusting in you.. ask this in the name of Jesus Christ.
amen.