time to need, time to break

God has been playing this broken record lately. It's the "be needy" record. I've heard this from Him a lot lately, it's almost like an annoying song in your head that you can't get rid of.

I am a strong woman. I am not sure that I've ever viewed myself in that light but I ooze strength, false strength. I can do it and I can also probably take care of you and your friend, then maybe their friend's needs. That use to fill a need in me and a broken place that started so long ago. Meeting needs started to feel like that was my thing. I became awfully good at this. So good that God saw fit it to pull back the curtain in this heart of mine and see what sort of falsehood I was building. Truth be told, I was filling something up that God wanted to fill. I rigged a broken piece in my heart for a long while. Until recently.... God took away my duct tape and there's this huge leak messing things up and no longer things work right. I thought it was a well oiled machine, pretty seem-less. I can't meet needs in the same way, ever again. I pray that God will not allow me to take up residence in a fog of false strength anymore.

God listened to my prayer of less of me, more of you. He had to get my attention. He had to break apart a dear friendship of mine. Shatter it into bits for me to take a further look, beyond my friend. He let it die for me to get a glimpse of what I was doing, or not doing. This has been brewing in my heart for six months or more. Some of the smoke has cleared and God has given me insight into the mess I made. I like to be a need-filler, gosh it makes me feel good to meet needs and others love me for it. The point is this, there is a bigger reason why I like to fill needs that God is continuing to unravel and show me. He has shown me that this in my sin. The throne of serving man, not God. It's sin and I am owning it for the very first time.

God reminded me tonight that He is the strong one. He desires me. Not just that but He chose me....and He desires to abundantly bless me....satisfy me.....clothe me with His salvation. Psalm 132 softly reminded me that he is unimaginably strong. Meant to be so strong for me, so I can need. This disarms me...in His arms I can be broken. Did you hear that word again, needy. He wants me to be needy, broken, messy. My husband needs a woman that can communicate her needs, not emasculate Him with strength, control and criticalness. And to be needy in friendships that are balanced in truth and grace. Rooted in the gospel. To stop listening to the lies I've heard so much of; "you won't be understood", "you can't fall apart", "they don't care to hear this"..."I don't want to be that needy girl." I'm drawn to the needy for reasons I know are God-given gifts from the Lord, but moving forward from this place I have to carefully follow Christ to serve in Him and not in my old self-strength. Prayerfully stepping away from unhealthy relationships or bolding ask God to change these relationships so that they are filled with the balance of give and take and truth & grace.

I finally ran out of gas. Nothing left to give but what God gives me. Me the needy one. Me weak, super-weak. Unable to meet anyone's deepest needs anymore. This is freeing for my heart. I needed God to invade this hardness of strength to unleash my feelings, my deep hurts and my needs. God is saying to me...no strength here, not anymore. Let it all go. It never filled your heart in the first place and it never will. I know at times I have tried to even pour my grief into my self-made, strong heart. Oh, what does it look like to grieve in weakness? Could this open new doors for my hurting heart...doors that lead to more healing. Leave it to the Lord to take a hammer to the heart in order that He would fill our hearts with beauty.

Don't you love when you open your heart to Psalms. It's like words that you know you feel but just needed it to be put into words. Sunday morning worship can be just like that. You don't realize until your singing the words that they have pierced you.. the deepest part of your heart. Ugh.. love when this happens. Then tears.. Here are a few good words that just got me today.

Tasting Forgiveness

I'm pleading my innocence here

Exposing my arrogance all the while

Hoping that nobody sees, especially you

I've yielded to all that has cost me

And thrown to the side what is free

And I'm lying if I say that I've figured it out

But maybe this time

The bread and the wine

Will be more than just food on my lips

Chorus

I 'm tasting forgiveness

And drinking of mercy

I feast on redemption

Tasting forgiveness

Words and music: Robbie Seay Band

painfully intentional

What it means to live intentionally has been on my heart lately. It all started with me praying to be in the moment during my days. As hectic and need-filled as all mom's days can be, I noticed an emptiness in me at the end the day. I was starting to feel like I was ending most of my days on a bad note with a bad attitude and thankfulness was no where to be seen. I started praying for God to change my heart with the girls especially. I wanted to look intentionally in the shadows of my day to see God glimpses in them or in anything. It's not about me or my needs or what I can control, right?? He must indeed become more, and I must become less. So might as well look for Him.

Today Graceyn and I went to a national history museum that is right up the street from our house. It a dinosaur museum and it's her favorite. We'd been trying to go for several days and she had been more than patient for a 4 year old. It was time to be rewarded. As we stood in line a very beautiful mom stood in the line ahead of us with her little daughter. Once she turned to the side I saw how very pregnant this mom was. I spoke to her little girl once she made eye contact with me. Then the mom easily opened her heart to me yet she has no idea how her openness nailed my heart. It was like for a moment, in the day to day routine, God broke through, allowing realness and rawness to just be ok. This mom said to me that she didn't know the sex of this baby but her daughter had two older brothers and an older sister who passed away... "so I've got the things I need for a boy or girl", she said. Wow, me a stranger to her, but she felt it important to acknowledge this daughter who can't be with her but that marked her heart forever. After she spoke I was in shock in my own heart. As she grabbed her tickets and headed into the museum, I felt desperate to talk more with her. After we got our tickets I joined her in the elevator but with a few others, so I felt like the door was closed to talk openly with her.

This woman could have let that moment to share her pain pass her by, but she chose to claim her pain and share it. I have randomly shared my addison with perfect strangers, it's like my heart needs to claim her. She can't be seen by anyone in my life but I saw her. I held her beautiful body. My heart claimed her the moment I knew she was within me. I claim her by missing her everyday. Subtly or profoundly. So now, to have those moments that can feel almost awkwardly raw with people and strangers, they are needed. Needed for the one hurting but also needed for the receiver, the stranger, the close friend. Being needy is hard for me, but God's calling me to this. Calling me to call attention to the gaping hole in my heart, it still hurts, it's always going to be a big deal and worthy of attention. It's like a wounded patient that needs nurses around the clock. Intentional living, goodness, it's painful, hard, but sweet for the soul. Because it opens the door once again for God to come in and bind up the broken hearted. For Him to become more, much more in my heart. Intentionality opens the door to not only let God in to rule and work but, but also lets our dear friends in to be the arms and words of Christ and to love us no matter how messy. Underneath the bold step to be known in hurt is finding that the gospel is plenty. Oh for these words to take root in my life and grow.