Peek-a-boo

Every time I lay Jude down in his crib with his favorite blue fuzzy blanket, he giggles.

He throws the blanket over his face and upper body. Waits for me to say, where's my juders??

He then throws the wad of blanket off his face and flashes that bright and lovely smile. Cue momma melting. It gets me every single time. What follows is funny. He usually starts wailing for me as I leave for nap-time to begin. It's like a cute routine that we must have before things get serious like napping. Other times it's all he needed to calm down and know it's time to rest without any more fighting and tears. Maybe it makes his love cup run over and he know's I'll be back in just a short while.

I have been treasuring this routine lately which then made me think more about it. My heart with the Lord has felt so much like a covering up and then popping back in. I've felt a hushed over myself and at times silenced with my journey. My wanderings from the Lord usually result in me, wanting to gather all my cares in my arms and carry them, ponder them and seek to control what is uncontrollable. This feels good but only for a time. This is where the hushed of heart enters in. The overwhelming burden of life cares without pondering the gracious grace the Lord gives. So I pulled off the blanket and had a good ole cry with my Lord. Praying fervently for the burdens I took which can only be burdened by Him. I am weary from my "go-to" of trying to self manage instead of laying it raw and out in the open each minute during the day. It's easier at times to pull the blanket over and just hide a bit, close those hurting doors, or broken relationships. What would it feel like to live intentionally in the brokenness.. a mess for one. A big messy mess. I am not an organized tidy person, why am I not loving the mess?? A taking down of self protected guards and living in the freedom that He alone defines us. He wants to care for all the broken pieces of our hearts and lives. He takes delight. That loosens my tightened fists.

Lately I've been hushed in my heart of loss. I have not a lot of words, but I do have hurt. It feels trapped at times in my heart. I want to let it out and have words to fill up journals if that would bring relief. I am finding that some seasons in dealing with this hurt maybe aren't meant to feel relief but more sting and just tears. Honest tears of just letting my heart catch up to my reality. She's not here. Addison leaves an empty hole in our family and in our hearts. It's hard to let that hole be and not put things in it. This hole that God allowed has remade me in a way that is uncomfortable. Its sensitive, tender, and just the feel of it is always there. My girls sense the loss of her presence lately in a way that is sweet yet hits me like a ton of bricks when it comes from their little hearts and mouths. Yes, she will be in heaven with us. "You have three girls momma." Empty chairs are sometimes hard for me to look at. The less I process the more pain and it crawls up in the corners of my heart to fester. Maybe that's where I've been lately.. hushed and battling to try and close a door of pain instead of leaving it wide open. Praying for the Lord to lead me ahead in my journey. To uncover it when it needs uncovering and resting in His binding of my wounds.

time to need, time to break

God has been playing this broken record lately. It's the "be needy" record. I've heard this from Him a lot lately, it's almost like an annoying song in your head that you can't get rid of.

I am a strong woman. I am not sure that I've ever viewed myself in that light but I ooze strength, false strength. I can do it and I can also probably take care of you and your friend, then maybe their friend's needs. That use to fill a need in me and a broken place that started so long ago. Meeting needs started to feel like that was my thing. I became awfully good at this. So good that God saw fit it to pull back the curtain in this heart of mine and see what sort of falsehood I was building. Truth be told, I was filling something up that God wanted to fill. I rigged a broken piece in my heart for a long while. Until recently.... God took away my duct tape and there's this huge leak messing things up and no longer things work right. I thought it was a well oiled machine, pretty seem-less. I can't meet needs in the same way, ever again. I pray that God will not allow me to take up residence in a fog of false strength anymore.

God listened to my prayer of less of me, more of you. He had to get my attention. He had to break apart a dear friendship of mine. Shatter it into bits for me to take a further look, beyond my friend. He let it die for me to get a glimpse of what I was doing, or not doing. This has been brewing in my heart for six months or more. Some of the smoke has cleared and God has given me insight into the mess I made. I like to be a need-filler, gosh it makes me feel good to meet needs and others love me for it. The point is this, there is a bigger reason why I like to fill needs that God is continuing to unravel and show me. He has shown me that this in my sin. The throne of serving man, not God. It's sin and I am owning it for the very first time.

God reminded me tonight that He is the strong one. He desires me. Not just that but He chose me....and He desires to abundantly bless me....satisfy me.....clothe me with His salvation. Psalm 132 softly reminded me that he is unimaginably strong. Meant to be so strong for me, so I can need. This disarms me...in His arms I can be broken. Did you hear that word again, needy. He wants me to be needy, broken, messy. My husband needs a woman that can communicate her needs, not emasculate Him with strength, control and criticalness. And to be needy in friendships that are balanced in truth and grace. Rooted in the gospel. To stop listening to the lies I've heard so much of; "you won't be understood", "you can't fall apart", "they don't care to hear this"..."I don't want to be that needy girl." I'm drawn to the needy for reasons I know are God-given gifts from the Lord, but moving forward from this place I have to carefully follow Christ to serve in Him and not in my old self-strength. Prayerfully stepping away from unhealthy relationships or bolding ask God to change these relationships so that they are filled with the balance of give and take and truth & grace.

I finally ran out of gas. Nothing left to give but what God gives me. Me the needy one. Me weak, super-weak. Unable to meet anyone's deepest needs anymore. This is freeing for my heart. I needed God to invade this hardness of strength to unleash my feelings, my deep hurts and my needs. God is saying to me...no strength here, not anymore. Let it all go. It never filled your heart in the first place and it never will. I know at times I have tried to even pour my grief into my self-made, strong heart. Oh, what does it look like to grieve in weakness? Could this open new doors for my hurting heart...doors that lead to more healing. Leave it to the Lord to take a hammer to the heart in order that He would fill our hearts with beauty.

Don't you love when you open your heart to Psalms. It's like words that you know you feel but just needed it to be put into words. Sunday morning worship can be just like that. You don't realize until your singing the words that they have pierced you.. the deepest part of your heart. Ugh.. love when this happens. Then tears.. Here are a few good words that just got me today.

Tasting Forgiveness

I'm pleading my innocence here

Exposing my arrogance all the while

Hoping that nobody sees, especially you

I've yielded to all that has cost me

And thrown to the side what is free

And I'm lying if I say that I've figured it out

But maybe this time

The bread and the wine

Will be more than just food on my lips

Chorus

I 'm tasting forgiveness

And drinking of mercy

I feast on redemption

Tasting forgiveness

Words and music: Robbie Seay Band

painfully intentional

What it means to live intentionally has been on my heart lately. It all started with me praying to be in the moment during my days. As hectic and need-filled as all mom's days can be, I noticed an emptiness in me at the end the day. I was starting to feel like I was ending most of my days on a bad note with a bad attitude and thankfulness was no where to be seen. I started praying for God to change my heart with the girls especially. I wanted to look intentionally in the shadows of my day to see God glimpses in them or in anything. It's not about me or my needs or what I can control, right?? He must indeed become more, and I must become less. So might as well look for Him.

Today Graceyn and I went to a national history museum that is right up the street from our house. It a dinosaur museum and it's her favorite. We'd been trying to go for several days and she had been more than patient for a 4 year old. It was time to be rewarded. As we stood in line a very beautiful mom stood in the line ahead of us with her little daughter. Once she turned to the side I saw how very pregnant this mom was. I spoke to her little girl once she made eye contact with me. Then the mom easily opened her heart to me yet she has no idea how her openness nailed my heart. It was like for a moment, in the day to day routine, God broke through, allowing realness and rawness to just be ok. This mom said to me that she didn't know the sex of this baby but her daughter had two older brothers and an older sister who passed away... "so I've got the things I need for a boy or girl", she said. Wow, me a stranger to her, but she felt it important to acknowledge this daughter who can't be with her but that marked her heart forever. After she spoke I was in shock in my own heart. As she grabbed her tickets and headed into the museum, I felt desperate to talk more with her. After we got our tickets I joined her in the elevator but with a few others, so I felt like the door was closed to talk openly with her.

This woman could have let that moment to share her pain pass her by, but she chose to claim her pain and share it. I have randomly shared my addison with perfect strangers, it's like my heart needs to claim her. She can't be seen by anyone in my life but I saw her. I held her beautiful body. My heart claimed her the moment I knew she was within me. I claim her by missing her everyday. Subtly or profoundly. So now, to have those moments that can feel almost awkwardly raw with people and strangers, they are needed. Needed for the one hurting but also needed for the receiver, the stranger, the close friend. Being needy is hard for me, but God's calling me to this. Calling me to call attention to the gaping hole in my heart, it still hurts, it's always going to be a big deal and worthy of attention. It's like a wounded patient that needs nurses around the clock. Intentional living, goodness, it's painful, hard, but sweet for the soul. Because it opens the door once again for God to come in and bind up the broken hearted. For Him to become more, much more in my heart. Intentionality opens the door to not only let God in to rule and work but, but also lets our dear friends in to be the arms and words of Christ and to love us no matter how messy. Underneath the bold step to be known in hurt is finding that the gospel is plenty. Oh for these words to take root in my life and grow.

sweet glimpse

I just got home from my daily drive this week to vbs. Both of my girls are going and this is a first. It has always been Ellie getting to do all the big girl things and now Graceyn is old enough to attend. We all piled in the van this morn and put on the cd that they handed out on the first day. It takes me back to my days at church camp or any early childhood church related memory. There was a song that came on that was slower and softer, much like a hymn. Ellie and I were both singing it and at the end we both said, what a great song. She then went on to say, "yeah momma, that song makes me want to cry." "Those words." sigh...wow. I don't have words for my heart in that moment. I started to cry not only did I feel moved by this song but more touched that my daughter knows the Lord. A few years back bryan and I prayed with her, that she asked for Jesus to come into her broken heart and live, clean it up as only He can. Since that day.. There are those sweet shadows or glimpses of his hand at work in her heart and I am deeply in awe. Not sure there are many more rewarding things than to see the gospel at work in my child's heart. Her little toothless grin, slinder big girl face, with a proud side pony tail. I love it. Those are the moments I want to capture up in my heart and cry out to God a prayer of thankfulness for my Ellie, his workings in her to mold her into His daughter. What an amazing gift to be her mom and watch it happen.

See Through Me

I am thankful for a God that sees through me. Sees through the face of the daily grind, sinful mother's unkind words, this demanding wife, wearied body from needy children , the half done hair and makeup, or even the full made face, and nice dress. I am a broken woman. Repaired with grace and the hope of the gospel. I hurt. Hurting from the pain of no. Hurting from my story. The pain that follows me around. He intended this mess of me. Brokenness leads to neediness. The steps attempted to be faithful to an unsafe Lord, even that is painful. More of you Lord and less of me. "Me" is dwindling away.

Thankful for heart repairs being made each day & each breath. Thankful for a God that saw through younger me. Wanted my heart no matter the cost to me. Redemption in my story through small and big ways. Thankful for a God that never gives up on me. Thankful those second long prayers in my whirlwind day are heard and I'm forgiven even though I may reapeat my plea many, many times. He has taken away, yet this sweet God gives. My hands have held loss and later learned to raise them once again in worship. He indeed gives. He loves deeply. So deep this feeble human mind can't get it. Continue to see through me Lord, I'm counting on it.

April

So, it can be said about me that when I am stressed or heavy hearted, I bake. Maybe there is something stewing heavily in my heart that doesn't have a lot of answers or is just plain heavy. No words but their are ingredients and I can create something delicious in the matter of an hour or so. That is satisfying for the moment. Just yesterday I noticed something... homemade blueberry muffins late the night before, afternoon chocolate, oatmeal, peanut butter no bake cookies, and a from scratch apple pie, should I hear a siren or see the red flags?? I see satisfied kids and a husband that laughs at my full kitchen countertops, but really what does this say about me? I will say that while baking most times unless I'm baking with my chicks, that I sometimes am mind grinding out whatever the heavy may be while baking... insight could be that my souls wants resolution that comes as easily as batch of cookies, done. Perfect.. solved. Or what I want this God given heart that's been given to the Lord seventeen years, that baking might be the white knuckles turning back flesh colored. Maybe I am wrestling trying desperately to say oh no Lord, it's you.. all you. I can control nothing...nothing. You have it all orchestrated so beautifully for me to see complete one day. For now "it's" a mess. I'm the mess. Each year and day that passes my most precious of things can only grown more dear and the control I don't have can plague me...

So, back from my trail here, so why this week do I have batches of sweets and goods that I just spent time putting away? My grief has resurfaced. I don't say that with a "oh great" heart but a relief. I need it back. I am crying for my daughter. I have a life time of heart work that I expectantly wait for God to master. I need to bring the broken pieces to the throne each day and say here. Sort it make it.. remake it Lord. It's a relief to feel the brokenness. I miss her. It's never been far, never not felt that tug but the raw tug is back and I can still see the wounds. The wounds come as the memories of her. The misses continue to be counted. I think oh, not this, nor this....

It's April, 2 years is quickly approaching... Still that same momma on the ultrasound table hearing the news for the first time, desperately waiting for time to stop. Then there's the work I never asked God to do in my heart. I want to give it all up to have her sitting here next to me. But of course He knew I couldn't do that. He wanted and still wants to meet me in the pain. To hold me in the years to come and meet me beyond my wildest imagination. I am thankful for the holding, embracing, and that He knows I am still not alright with this. It's 4 not 3 Lord... I have 4 precious children. He knows I am complicated, and forever hurt. I am not over this. He doesn't expect that. He just wants to meet me in this. The gospel meets me. If not for the pains in the world, would we come to the throne naked, crying so hard we can't see. A mess? no, probably not. The brokenness in this world has only become greater since my addison. Call it awareness or maybe just more of the same pain that has been here since the garden. The brokenness has grown into a world-full.

Jesus come, breathe life and restoration into my broken heart.

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

vs. 5 "Great is our Lord, and abundant in power."